It's more personal than that Cheech honey. She's living it, not talking in the abstract.
Stay At Home Moms/Dads
by cognac 20 Replies latest jw friends
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LostGeneration
The problem with many hardcore believers (looked up a few of your posts and looks like that is what he is) is that they simply live JW life on autopilot, thinking everything is just going to work itself out. Most really can't see more than 5 years into the future, as they are constantly hit week after week with the "end is soooooooooooo close" sermon. Add to that the busy hamster wheel that comes with meetings, service, study, etc - who has time for long term planning?
So they don't educate themselves, because really, what good is a degree if Armageddon come?. Most don't start any sort of sustainable, long-term business, for the same reason. They don't save in their 401k, because they want the money now, and you won't need it when Armageddon comes. So on and so on.
I did the same for years, ran up too much debt. Though I did buy a house, it was more than I could afford, just kinda thought it would "work out", even if it was on a subconscious level of sorts. When I left the JWs, my wife was pretty shocked when I said we are tightening down on all of these loose strings. Four years later, we are in a much better place than we ever were before.
Kinda off track there, but you probably already know his thinking runs along the same process.
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mamochan13
I agree with the suggestion to get counselling. I'm also wondering if your husband may be dealing with depression. Not only did he lose out to a bad career decision, he's seeing his wife take over the "man's" responsibility to care for the family financially. Again - counselling can help.
It's great that the kids have a stay at home parent, but being raised in an unhappy family environment where you are resentful of having to work is not benefitting them either. Your husband needs to get out and work, even if it's part time, even if its volunteering. If he's not into the housework, then he can work and use the money to pay someone to come and clean. If he feels he has no skills because he chose to pioneer, maybe you can craft a plan together where he goes to school or upgrades.
Either way, you are not being unrealistic. Something needs to change, and soon.
And, you know, maybe selling the house and moving into a trailer wouldn't be the end of the world if it meant that you were no longer carrying the whole financial burden. I think he's using it as a cop-out, but why not call his bluff?
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finally awake
First, I don't get why him working would require you to sell your house and move into a trailer. If he's bringing in money, you aren't any worse off financially than you are right now.
Second, I am also the working spouse and Just Ron has been a stay at home dad since our oldest was born just over 13 years ago. I don't always like hauling myself off to work every day, but I sure don't want to be stuck at home with the kids by myself either. Just Ron has always done housework and errands and chores and he homeschooled the older two for 9 years. I still came home and wondered what he had been doing all day sometimes, but for the most part it was obvious that he was trying to get it all done.
If your husband isn't pulling his weight, it's time for a come to Jesus meeting. I think that what you really want is for him to be a team player and do his fair share of the work, and that's a perfectly reasonable thing.
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kurtbethel
What exactly is the product that a pioneer produces, besides punching in hours on a clock? I can't imagine it would prepare anyone for a useful productive job in the real world, so the dude is at a disadvantage in the real world.
I think the exact division of labor in a home is negotiable, based on time available, skills and aptitudes, but for harmony everyone should pull their weight and be cheerful about it. The breadwinner is the one up at bat and other people would be wise to be a support team by getting household things done, having things prepared to accomodate the breadwinner's time schedule, and making wise spending and saving choices to get the best value from the household income. If this is not being done, there will likely be huge imbalances and resentment in the home. It sounds like the dude needs to step up to the plate and do his part, but it is important that you articulate what you want and what you think is fair, and an impartial counselor could help a lot with this by being a sort of referee. I tell you from experience, this needs to be fixed as soon as you can.
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Nice_Dream
I am a stay at home mom with a 4 year old and 1 1/2 year old. I struggle to keep the house clean, the children tear it apart in two seconds flat. That being said, I do make sure to have dinner ready most nights by the time my husband is home from work. I do all the laundry, bill paying, grocery shopping, and most of the cleaning.
It's nice your husband is able to stay home with the children. It isn't easy! But he does need to pull more weight in the housekeeping department. I would also recommend counseling (especially if your work has an employee assistance program), and discuss expectations of how you both contribute to the family. You definitely shouldn't be working all day and doing the housework and cooking!
Is your husband depressed? There are some cool free courses on coursera.org your husband could check out and see what he's interested in. Perhaps he can do some online courses so he can be prepared to get a career in a few years? It might be nice for him to have something to work towards.
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Tylinbrando
I spent the first 2 years of my daughters life as the stay at home dad. It was beautiful. Groceries, laundry and housework was done by 10 AM and the rest of the day was the beach, museums, zoo, lunch dates with other moms. I learned to be a great cook and dinner was always on the table. I missed those opportunities with my next two children, but let me tell you, as a single dad of three all that training was a life saver for me.
I'd sit down with a heart to heart and a few sessions of counseling. Unless you say something things will stay the same and get worse.
Have you cut him off from all intimacy and sex yet? Wouldnt blame you if you have. May as well have a trigger on it because its as powerful as a gun.
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jws
First, I don't get why him working would require you to sell your house and move into a trailer. If he's bringing in money, you aren't any worse off financially than you are right now.
If he's not at home watching the kids, that means you have to pay for daycare. That can be pretty expensive. And if he's not qualified for a good job, daycare can cost more than he can make. Daycare for 2 kids could be $400 or more per week where I live. That's probably more in the $15/hour range before taxes that he'd have to make just to break even with a $400/week daycare bill. And working also costs more in terms of gas, possibly eating out more, and maybe new clothes and more laundry. So the reason for getting the job was to contribute more to the family's funds. But if all your money goes towards daycare, gas, clothes, etc, he's got to make a lot more and with no real skills...
I know the feeling. I'm a man with an ex wife who was exactly the same way. Eventually she went through a mid-life crisis and decided that's not what she wanted to be for the rest of her life and left. When even before kids, she hinted at wanting to stay home. After our daughter was born, she found an excuse and didn't work until we divorced.
I pestered her after the kids were in school to find part time work. She never did. She came up with pet-projects she liked, but never made much. She'd find clothes at consignment stores that were more valuable on e-bay and make a slight profit, but she also bought a lot of stuff so we didn't make money. Then she decided to do consignment sales and, with partners, bought out a woman who was selling her business. They would rent out a large room (like wedding halls) and have people bring in stuff to sell. They made 30% of each sale. They did it twice then gave up. For all the prep work, time spent during the sale (16 hour or more days), etc., if you added up her time, she made less than $5/hour. She could make more working a week or two at McDonalds.
She cooked. But not very healthy for a husband with heart issues. Always wondered if subconscously she was trying to kill me. Really? Food smothered with cheese again? And what she cooked was all simple stuff that took minimal prep time.
But she too spent the day on the computer, on Facebook. House was rarely any cleaner. Rarely did wash. And then at night, she also wanted to be on Facebook when it was "her time" when I could watch the kids. And she'd often need wine to relax from a day with the kids. Then on weekends, she wanted to go out. Spend money that we could have used some help with. Dollars go a lot further with her gone.
I think depression may have a lot to do with it. I know with my ex it was a factor. A counselor may help. You're around kids all day, no adults to hang out with. For some people that's more important than others. Probably the reason for the Faceook obsession. He's reaching out for adult company. You have it all day presumably with your job. He doesn't. There also may be a male ego issue.
Now my ex has a regular job is remarried, and only has kids half the time. Still not sure she's quite settled in her crisis, but she's functioning a lot better. And, being an RN, when she was already committed to divorcing, and before she moved out, she got a job paying 50K/year. I calculated. Even with daycare (mostly reduced since the kids were in school), we'd have had loads of extra money to do all the extra things she wanted. And, having the job, I think, brought her out of her depression.
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Blackbird Singing
I dont remember the author, but I know my daughter bought a book titled "The Lazy Husband" It actually had alot of good info. and suggestions, I was also wondering if you have tryed making "lists" for him, some guys need that, When I use to say to my husband, "I'm writing you a list of things that need to be done" he did not appreciate it and would make comments like "I'm not your child", I dont need your lists. So I nixed that idea for awhile, i then started not "telling" him I was going to leave a list for him, but just writing it and leaving it on the counter, Wow did that make a difference, he would work on it as much as possible and put a line through what he completed, and I could tell he appreciated the reminders on the list....Just some ideas for what their worth. BBS
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Blackbird Singing
Oh and by the way on my lists, I did not write things like, "you must do" or "This has to be done" or"do not forget"....I would always write things like"Could you please", "dont you think this would be good?" or"I would so appreciate it" for example as far as dinner, you could give him some ideas and say things like, that was so good last time you made it, sounds soooo good for tonight!! He may be suffering from some real low self esteem issues, so when he does do stuff you appreciate, LET HIM KNOW!!