How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

by Lady Lee 57 Replies latest jw friends

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  Lady Lee

  ÁrbolesdeArabia

  Lady Lee you made yourself vulnerable for the sake of others on JWN, that's real love and compassion!

  You know I think my daughters don't know me very well. There is so much that as a parent you don't tell your kids. And they certainly don't want to know anything about the JWs. That leaves out a lot. They don't see this part of me at all. And they aren't quite at the stage yet where they come to realize maybe Mom wasn't so dumb after all.

  Thank you Glander. I no longer want the Ace-up-my-sleeve. That is no way to live.

  aussie You are so right Counseling can and does help. But if you don't hit it off with the first couselor find another. I do have an advantage over many people because I have been through this before and know what to look for in a counselor. I don't need someone to tell me what to do. That isn't the job of the counselor. But she knows the right questions to ask so that I can find my own answers.

  The second counselor I saw -- I was explaining why I thought counseling was good. When we sit with our thoughts they race through our head so fast we can't pay attention to them. That is why we go over and over and over the same thigns without getting anywhere. Talking it out forces you to slow down th ethinking so you can "hear" what you are saying. Writing, an excellent therapeutic tool, forces us to slow the thinking down even more plus wee can go back and read what we put down. The worker liked that so much she asked me to repeat it so she could write it down.

  mammochan

  You are very right Help can come in many forms. Reading self-help books can help us find the words for our pain. Talking to other people with shared experiences can help a lot. (one reason why this website is so popular) Exercise can help a lot and yesterday I bought an exercier that I can use and doesn't compromise my foot problems. Creative outlets, volunteer work. There are so many things. But and this is important none of those things should ever replace therapy. We can't use them to avoid the problems. We have to deal with those regardless otherwise there is no end in site to the pain.
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  crmsicl

  My warm thoughts are with you Lady Lee. There is suicide alcoholism and depression in my family tree. I do forgive my Dad, he was funny and could be charming, he never physically hurt us but emotionally he did without even trying. It's a tough legacy to carry. My mom had mental difficulties and drank to self medicate but managed to stop when my brother picked up the drug addiction (he's good now). My mom had a good heart. My life wasn't as bad as yours and others but still it wasn't a lot of fun either. At least I can say there were good moments especially in hindsight when I see what others have had to live through.

  So congratulations for your resolve to get a hold on this. As for your daughter...I can't believe she could be so callous. I hope she is haunted by her unkindness and comes to her senses.
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  Ding

  Very powerful, Lady Lee.

  I want to focus on one statement in particular:

  Death was the only honourable way out for a Witness.

  This is what the GB wants JWs to believe, isn't it?

  If you leave voluntarily, they brand you as Judas Iscariot and order JWs to treat you like dirt.

  Even many loyal JWs come to see themselves as worthless failures if they aren't measuring up to the never-ending demand by the GB for more -- more field service, more meeting attendance, more dedication....

  Unfortunately, all that indoctrination keeps playing in people's heads even after they realize the WTS' claim to speak for Jehovah is completely bogus.

  If these thoughts are leading anyone here to contemplate suicide, please realize that they are lies.

  Don't let this cult destroy you like this.

  There are people who care about you.

  Please talk about what's going on inside you and get help.
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  Lady Lee

  finally awake

  I have no idea what will happen with my daughters. Right now I don't even want to think about what-if scenarios. I need to be focused on what I need right now. Maybe one day but not right now.

  ÁrbolesdeArabia

  When is it time to disconnect with loved ones? I think if they repeatedly bring you back into depression hell", or leave your head spinning for weeks after talking to them, it's a good idea to avoid them.

  I have been able to do that with my mother and brothers but it is a lot harder to do when it is your child. But I have to set a boundary and then live by it.

  LoisLane

  Thank you for you r kind words. Believe me I bleed just like the next person. There was a time when I thought sharing my experiences was a sign of weakness. Over the years I have learned that talking about what I thought were weaknesses was actually showing strength. I'm no different than any one else. Pedestals are a hard place to perch on. So I share the ups and downs of life. There is strength in what we share if we can only find the courage to put it out there and keep doing that until people listen.

  The purses - believe me I am not selling these things. I am still practicing and making a lot of mistakes err having a lot of learning experiences lol

  How sad that your daughter has known so many who have taken their own lives.

  crmsicl

  I hope one day she wakes up and gets the help she needs. Not much more to be said about it. I do know I would find it very hard to trust her again.

  Ding

  That is what they want. They chain your heart and mind and yes soul to the point where death really is the only way out if you continue to believe they are somehow inspired by god.

  They aren't!
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  mamochan13

  Lee - I recall years ago being at a JW convention where they said something about children leaving the faith and going off into the world - but that the things their parents had taught them would always be there, and they would not forget. I think that will be true of your daughters, but in a different way. The person you are - loving, caring, kind, and compassionate - those qualities are in your children. Maybe they won't know how to show them to you, their mother, because of the twisted religious crap, but I'm sure they are still good, caring people at their core. Perhaps focusing on the good things you have taught them can be a way to balance their treatment of you.

  I am SO fortunate that I haven't lost my daughters, but my eldest has given me plenty of heartache because she is still confused about the religion. She tore me to pieces when my mother died because she does not understand why I had to separate myself from my toxic JW family, especially my mother, for so long. It's very confusing for our children, I think, especially when we as parents brought them up to believe the cult. And daughters don't always treat their mothers well, even in the best of circumstances.

  But back to the topic of the thread - suicide does not have to be a solution. However, it becomes one all too often, as it did for our dear friend Oompa and so many others. When I was in that dark place, it was all I could see. I believed I was doing everyone a favour by leaving. I now look at my beloved grandchildren and thank whoever or whatever it was that kept me alive.

  So how do we stop the suicidal thoughts from taking over?
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  Big Tex

  But I don't want to be dead. I have more to do in this world. So I am back in therapy, doing what I have to do, to feel like I have some control over how I react to what other people choose to do.

  Powerful post LL. Very powerful. Reminds me of the old JWD days before JWN. No you really don't want to die. You want to see what happens next. You have something you want to say. Even now. And you need to say it with your life. It is that drive that helps keep you going despite all the bombs dropped on your village. How many times do we have to go through our own Hiroshima and how many times do we have to rebuild?

  In my former life here, I thought I had answers. I was such a fool. Having said that I will share with you something I've learned several times over -- that this life, for whatever reasons, is not fair. I don't know why. But it always has been and most likely always will be. It's not fair some are given things that you and I can only dream of. And it's damn unfair some keep getting hit over and over. But in that former life, like you, I came very, very close to exiting the building. There was a a scene from a movie that touched me deeply and I thought of it when I read what you said above:

  We are all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly. Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

  Lee I choose to believe we are in fact the sum total of our choices. Our lives, however unfairly and painfully they play out, are actually defined by how we choose to deal with events that unfold so unpredictably and so unfairly. There's a thought that's been rattling around and not fully formed but it's occurred to me that if we did in fact evolve, grow over the millenia through natural selection then I wonder why we have the ability to love. Not parental love, that's protecting your gene pool so it will grow and now erotic love as that's simple procreation.

  I mean the capacity to care for others, an ability most people have to want to give to others and to give back or pay forward. It's a cold world, there is no reason for genetic improvement and yet that ability to love is there. It's real.

  You have that within you Lee. This capacity to love has a great deal to do with what you've got left to say with your life. You have this hope that somewhere, somehow someone in the next generation, someone in the future will understand more and make a leap to improve so one less person suffers what you went through.

  You and I have known and were close to people in our lives who faced the fork in the road and went in a different direction. Ultimately it is of course their choice. But it still hurts like hell. I wish I had an answer to that, I really, really do. The aftermath is cold and empty and lonely. So now I've come full circle about choices.

  Like you I faced the option of suicide full on and like you I chose to stay. And again like you I've wondered over the past couple of years if I made the right choice.

  One step at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time in an effort to give meaning to what has happened. Just my way of saying -- You're Not Alone.

  Chris
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  hemp lover

  (((Lady Lee))) Please don't leave us.

  Do either of your daughters have children?
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  kurtbethel

  My death thoughts are not about anything self inflicted. They are more about being on my bike and getting cut down in traffic. It would happen fast, just an "oh sh!t" moment and it's over, so no prolonged suffering. The other scenario is I have a bad heart and I get cut down suddenly from that. Another one is something that pops in my brain and I have a massive stroke. I don't worry about it or obsess. It is just an awareness of the sword always handing over my head, suspended by a tether. 3 years ago I was cut down in traffic on my scooter, very sudden, but I got back up. A half second difference of geometry could have been fatal.
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  FlyingHighNow

  And then I realized I didn't really want to die. I wanted the pain to stop.

  That's what it is. It's human nature to want to run. It's human nature to want extreme pain or fear to end.
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  FlyingHighNow

  This won't help an agnostic or atheist, but Mother Val said this to me when I was in pain over my sister's shunning of me: "All things will be reconciled in heaven (or hereafter.)" I find a lot of comfort in that thought. I take that to mean that broken relationships here will not be broken relationships in the next world.