Continued from... http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/beliefs/239394/2/I-was-HAPPY-as-a-JW-How-did-I-end-up-here-Pt-2
I mentioned how I was happy as a JW. But that night, that very night after the conversation happened, there was a real feeling of relief. I didn't know why, but I had an idea looking back. I read the Bible cover to cover rather aggressively. I wanted to prove from God's Word, no alternate sources added, if this was the true religion. While I cannot deny the good of this religion, I could not ignore the bad. Good of this religion? I will put it out there: I grew up in Newark, NJ. In the nasty project area. I have before my very eyes, watched bums off the street, wife beaters, and good for nothing people drastically improve their lives. Is it under a false pretense. It is! Nevertheless, these people have bettered their lives and themselves. And it wasn't for show, it's because they believe that's how they should live. They realize why it's important to not lie, and they strive hard to be honest, not knowing the very "teachers" of this organizaition are lying to them. I can't deny those things. But I will never credit the GB for it, but the person who made the changes. But that does not justify the hypocrisy, lies, and arrogance of the men that lead up the group.
They very book JW's claim as their only guidebook, is the same book the discredits the whole sham. It was difficult reading the Bible without the JW bias, but I was still able to know too many things did not add up. The feelings of MORE, MORE, MORE were no longer over me. Armageddon? I felt, Jehovah knew my heart. If Russell had Jehovah's blessing despite being wrong, because he had a good heart, then I had confidence that if I am wrong, it's ok. Jehovah knows. But anyone who has left the organization has felt the relief of no longer living under the eye and rules of men. The GB are just men. No special insight, no advance knowledge. Just men who are in love with their own poop. And that's the relief I felt. I NEVER would have thought I could feel relief leaving the very religion I was taught was "Jehovah's courtyard". Jesus said his load would be refreshing, so I felt that moment was it! Not believing the Phariseeical line of rules and regulations was too good to be true. But I wasn't yet happy.
Anyway, I was out mentally, but still hadn't made my exit. In the circuit I was in, the CO then made me the RBC Overseer. Bethel had this thing where they wanted ex-bethelites running the show everywhere. They wanted everything up to "Bethel standards." Though I wasn't qualified and ridiculously young, I was to be appointed the upcoming service year. My mind was out, and so was my heart. My assignments no longer meant anything but free work for the society. I did enjoy meeting the friends and working with them, but they were doing it under a false impression. I could no longer in good faith even pray for the groups. It was all a whirlwind...
I didn't officially "hate" the work, but even simply receiving letters from my "brothers" in Brooklyn and Patterson turned my stomach. I couldn't do it anymore. So I didn't. Right after I was announced, I resigned. Small rumors started. It didn't bother me. The opinions of people no longer held any power over me. THAT felt good!
The next few months though was mentally exhausting. After I proved the JW's were no longer the true religion, I conceded their Bible was wrong. Researched that, and I saw the errors in it. So then I was on a mission to find the most accurate Bible translation. I kept reading hard and fast because I needed direction. That proved taxing and confused me more. I was then on a mission to find out if this was the absolute holy writing God used to communicate. I spent so much time and when learning the story behind different Holy Writs, I was even more confused. Then I had to go to the core of it all, IS GOD REAL? And if so, why is my relationship with him contingent on WHERE I lived, and the TIME PERIOD I lived? It was crazy. But though I still believed there was/is an intelligent designer, a relationship with him is not important because if it was, all humans would have the equal opportunity to learn about him. But that's not the case. So I decided to not overly concern myself with it. And I can attest, NOT KNOWING, is so much better than BELIEVING IN A LIE. Witnesses usually sum this thought process up by saying "There is nothing but confusion in the world". And of course they like to criticize the answers that doesn't tie in to their beliefs. So be it. But they don't know much of anything, but it's ok because they will "Wait on Jehovah", rather, for the GB to come up with booty cheek answers. But that's when confusion is ok. The important thing is remaining loyal. Lol.
Back to story. How did I get here? I remained in the org. There were so many good people, I wanted to give this religion one last try. I finally looked online, found this site, and eventually found jwfacts. My goal was not to prove JW's didn't have the truth, but to prove they did, up against the facts at jwfacts. Then I got to the point where I was SURE, 100%, they did not have the truth. It was heartbreaking. It was the only life I knew. I had friends, many family, goals, achievements, all tied to JW's. And now it was over. It was over... (heavy sigh).
I read threads on how to fade. I tried it. But then I got called back to temp at Bethel! I did go, spoke a good game, and left. I actually did it as a goodbye to my friends. I left letting them know how much I loved them and I will always be their brother (not telling them my view on anything).
Then I just quit abruptly (except the memorial). The adjustment period was crazy because I was so "mature" in the truth, but a baby to the real world. But I wanted to know how to help those I was close to. Because I was always away, no one noticed my absense immediately. I read Crisis of Conscience (by Ray Franz. I figured if what he wrote were lies, he would've been sued by society for libel. But he wasn't. And the society has entered many petty lawsuits for some who think they only get legal for preaching work), Combatting Mind Control, and Captives of a Concept. And I also read the BE book, to learn to be effective at presenting myself. Yes, a WT trainee turned enemy. I started to go back to meetings, to blend in and help those whom I needed. But sitting through the meetings was unreal. I could not justify the time, money, and effort spent doing this. But I held on. And it seemed EVERYONE loved the kool-aid. So I bounced....
My meeting with the elders I have to post 2moro....