Rules in the New System

by King Solomon 50 Replies latest social humour

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  Nambo

  No speaking to members of the opposite sex. (Unless of course you were allready married in the Old System for there will be no marriage in the New System).

  No Marriage, (except for Elders who will now be known as Princes), the scripture about being like Angels will be cited.

  No sleeping with your hands under the covers. (This will be easily checked as we will be living in domitories with constant patrols, better hope your hands dont move in your sleep as they will be cut off, better to enter the Kingdom of God with one hand).
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  Iamallcool

  no porn
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  jemba

  No one will be deaf so there will be no hand gesturing- when you speak you need to keep your hands behind your back. This is due to the great wanking scandal of 2012.
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  Cagefighter

  Due to an unexpected glut of bored resurrected people with no family and sexually frustrated brothers and sisters that did not marry before armageddon. The GB makes a surprising shift in doctrine and no longer considers oral sex a df'ing offense. Oral only is mentioned because the resurrected have no sexual organs of course.

  Heavy petting, mutual masturbation, groping, holding hands or possesing sheep is still forbidden.
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  perfect1

  one panda per household.
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  King Solomon

  All those vultures needed to clean up the bodies after Armageddon will need homes, so only the early martyrs who ironically enough DIED in the jaws of lions will be getting the pet lions. They've got to get over their feline phobias sometime, so might as well go right for the deep end! Besides, Jesus loves himself a bit of ironic humor. Upshot is, everybody else gets a pet vulture!

  Vultures are trainable like falcons, and will be taught to kill AND scavenge on command, so JWs will form teams to chase down anyone who is deemed worthy of "vulturization". Teams will hone their vulture-handling skills and compete in special competitions that are heavily-attended events (duh: the competition is part of assemblies, so attendence is mandatory) held in circular auditoriums referred to as "Coliseums". The vctims? Anyone who is not AT the assembly is fair game.
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  fakesmile

  no enjoyable music. and no steel strung guitars, only nylon. has anyone else noticed that in the mags?
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  Theocratic Sedition

  no meat no steaks, hamburgers, turkey, no fried chicken no BBQ Ribs
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  fakesmile

  can we bring back public stoning?
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  undercover

  no meat no steaks, hamburgers, turkey, no fried chicken no BBQ Ribs

  But there will be seafood/fish. Or so said the PO of a congregation I was in one time. He was an avid fisherman and he had rationalized in his mind that even though it was always assumed we would be vegetarians, we would still eat fish, so he declared it so, from the platform no less.