Getting some more help

by Cagefighter 19 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • Cagefighter

    I have talked before about what happened to me as a JW. I was baptized at 12 and two years later I was in a Judicial committee for sexual immorality after having an inappropriate relationship with an older woman.

    It was handled just like any other KH would have handled it. After a humiliating interrogation by my elder father in front of my mother, he dropped the dime on me. Another Elder came over that night and asked a few questions. He seemed very uncomfortable being there. We were new to the area and still having trouble "fitting in". The other elder read a few scriptures to me and got the hell out of there.

    The next few days were the worst of my life and I considered suicide many times. I paid no attention in class, did not talk to friends, certainly could not discuss it with my JW friends or wordly family. I had no one to turn to. My parent's would barely make eye contact with me or eat dinner with me. I hid in my room which I was never allowed to do previously.

    About two weeks later I had a JC. I guess my Dad had cooled off by then and was ready to go to bat for his son. We met at the hall and I had to answer questions, the usual JC crap. Where was your hands, where were hers? How many times.... blah blah blah.....

    Afterwards, I was told to wait outside, while my Dad went in and I assume went to bat for me.

    About half an hour later they called me back in to let me know I would be publicly reproved. One of the elder's seemed compassionate and concerned for me. The other was pissed avoiding eye contact, and the other just indifferent. The hall was known for being very spiritually strong yet a bit cliquish and unfriendly. We soon transfered back to another hall that we had first attended when we moved in. Basically, I got a public reproof if my Dad agreed to walk away and go back to the other hall from what I can tell as an adult.

    My father and I have never spoke of it since. I have ranted angrily about it to my Mom but not in more than a decade. I just burried it and grew out of my most self destructive behaviors on my own.

    I have made so many mistakes since then with my life and relationships. It has been like peeling an onion and I have finally gotten to the bottom of it. My life and relationship with my self was pretty healthy (considering I was in a cult) until that day. I was a 100% believer as child and after the JC all I wanted to do was get away from family and the org out of shame as fast as possible and I did.

    As an adult, old enough to have children myself and being in a position at times where younger and more vulnerable people trust me it is apparent this was abuse. The innappropiate relationship was one thing, but the crucification of my sense of identify and self worth was completely obscene and perverse. I have a decent relationship with my parents and they will never see their part in all of this, I must accept it.

    After a year of therapy and working on my most obvious flaws as an adult, I took a break feeling like I made good progress. I am now aware of my quirks and self destructive habits. However, something strange started happening lately. When I feel those negative feelings I talk myself out of doing something dumb like getting drunk, high, or seeking out an unhealthy relationship. It is not always easy. I have become a little disturbed wondering when will these feelings of being "unworthy" ever go away. When will I ever feel normal? Why is it so easy to see now how my life is just a cliche and predicatable for someone that was abused. I used to think I was real bad-ass or unique. Now I realize I am not any different than any other abuse victim.

    I decided to go back into therapy for another year and work on the core of this issue. Not forgiving or healing from the past, the JC and all but dealing with the core of the issue. How my sense of self and identity changed when I was only 14.

    To complicate this some don't understand how this is any form of abuse to begin with. Since I was male and was willing to get involved with this woman it must not be a bad thing, they say. I bought in to that for a long time until I remembered a few things. I only began fooling around with her because I was not allowed to date or express my feelings to any girls my age. The other thing is I remembered that she called me a couple of months after this was all over. She reached out to me after it was exposed. That is the pattern of a creep on her part. I realize I was more of a victim than I thought I was for so long.

    I know what happened to me is not as bad as being raped or suffering incest. I acknowledge that, but the way the JC and my family hung the guilt and shame on me scarred me to my core. Sometimes it is easy to bury these things for the sake of moving on. Sometimes it is necessary to dig them up for the same reason.

    If your thinking about getting help. There are some wonderfully talented people out there. They don't have to understand the JWs to help. Thanks for reading, don't give up no matter how complicated it seems.


  • Magwitch

    Terrible thing to go through at 14. This organization has raped so many of us.

  • OnTheWayOut

    That was well said. Many do understand that willing females are victims of predator men, but they don't understand how it is similar with male victims of female predators. While males and females can be affected very differently (just as different males or females could be affected compared to others of the same gender), it is still adults who should know better taking advantage of youths and changing the way the youth thinks about sex and relationships and trust.

    I have been in therapy (for completely different issues) and I took a break for awhile after I had some initial progress. Your statement that "They don't have to understand the JWs to help" is so true. I hope that those that need help with their issues find that help.

    Your story is complicated by the JW factor- a jc and your parents being involved more in that aspect of your tragic story than in really trying to make sure you got proper help at the time, a determination by elders that you were guilty of something that you did wrong instead of true counseling after being a victim.

    Thanks for posting. I wish you the best, strength to you.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    Wow. That is one heck of a story.

    I think the abuse that occurred with kids like us growing up "in the truth" goes so deep on so many levels, it's really difficult to tease out what our thoughts and feelings are really saying.

    One of the reasons I started seeing a therapist again is because I felt such an abatement of my symptoms after unravelling TTATT two years ago. I thought it would not be useless to dig a little deeper with some professional help to try to come to grips with a LOT of stuff.

  • Cagefighter

    Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. My story really shows me what a cult this really is. It would be easy to think my parents are just cruddy people, but they aren't. In some ways that has made all of this more difficult. They are good, honest, decent people. The power of a cult can overide even the most basic parental instincts.

    Think about Jonestown, the Branch Dividians, or even the guards that ran holocaust camps in Nazi Germany. Were those ALL bad people, evil to the core? No way, they bought into to something and identified with it so strongly that they found it easy to disconnect from their humanity.

  • Sherilynn

    You are normal and are having normal feelings of self doubt because you have been abused by adults who should of known better. Keep getting counseling and going to support sites that can validate you as a good person and help you not to sabotage yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY

    My son also had an older woman in his life when he was around 17 (now 38 yrs). He had stopped attending meetings a year before and I accepted that was his decision and I would not force him to attend but asked him to keep a personal relationship with God and he said he would. However, when I found out about this adult woman I sat him down and talked with him about the reality that it would not last and that perhaps she was using him and suggested that he think this over (she had children who were living with their father) as it turned out she was using him and he saw it and broke up with her. Your parents are in a cult and are controlled by a cult but they are still also responsible to take care of your physical and mental health and they choose to let others harm you (JC meeting) and followed with the shunning.

    They should be ashamed of their actions and I truly hope someday they will realize that and ask for your forgiveness.

    Here is a hug and I wish only the best for you as you deserve only the best....dont let them get you down keep fighting for YOU.

    Peace & Love

  • Phizzy

    Dear Cagefighter, your story makes me feel so much for you, my experience with the Borg and its workings was nowhere near as bad as yours, but having been helped by a skillful Therapist in recent times I have come to realise that long before any "problem" that a JC may be interested in arises, the Cult has already damaged us.

    Our parents are not the Mom and Dad we would have had, if we had got in to a similar situation without being JW's , how would our real Mom and Dad have dealt with it ?

    Would we have been shamed and left alone with our emotions ? No, our parents would have been there for us, they would probabaly have made all sorts of excuses for us, and they would have thus demonstrated their unconditional love for us.

    The WT/JW religious Cult took all that love away from a fourteen year old boy, not just at the time, but subsequently, they had no right to do that.

    I know that you wish to bury the anger you feel for what your parents did, and more importantly, did not do, and that is admirable, to express that anger against them would bewilder them and not accomplish much, but recognise that the anger is justified, and channel it against the real culprits, the WT/JW Cult.

    You are in NO WAY to blame for what happened, you need feel no guilt, you are a fine person who has suffered at the hands of a heartless ignorant cult, through no fault of your own.

    The past is another country, enjoy the one you live in now, may you have nothing but good in the rest of your life.

  • perfect1

    Wow I really relate to your story. Thank you for sharing.

    My teenage years were similarly filled with inappropriate love interests due to everything being so restricted.

    In the end I came out much more open to all options than I would have had my parent allowed me to have an age appropriate opposite sex friend.

    Similarly, I am coming to terms with the fact that being born in is the equivalent of abuse.

    Its seriously disgusting how these old men with their too tight pants sit around asking CHILDREN details about their sexual activity.

    Is that illegal? That should be the next lawsuit!

    Also, I think your parents, sadly, are not unique in totally letting you down when you needed them most.

    Not that thats any consolation.

    Cheers! Hahaha. Your story makes me want a drink.

  • Cagefighter

    Thanks yall. I appreciate the encouragment. It's scary how long ago it was, and as I get my self straightened out... well it's the core of it all. I guess I needed perspective. Even with out my experience. If I had a 14 yearold son living with his Mom and stepdad and found out all this happened I would certainly consider it abuse.

    Over the last few years my parents have opened up more about their childhood. They were converts in their 20's just a young couple. The both came from unstable homes where the booze flowed and chaos ensued. They felt abandoned themselves and like many kids that were abandoned emotionally and physically they tend to do it themselves when they get older. It is all they know. With out any help they don't even realize they do it.

    It's a cycle, that trickles down from one generation to the next. At least I can stop it one way or another with me.

  • Jadeen

Share this