I have talked before about what happened to me as a JW. I was baptized at 12 and two years later I was in a Judicial committee for sexual immorality after having an inappropriate relationship with an older woman.
It was handled just like any other KH would have handled it. After a humiliating interrogation by my elder father in front of my mother, he dropped the dime on me. Another Elder came over that night and asked a few questions. He seemed very uncomfortable being there. We were new to the area and still having trouble "fitting in". The other elder read a few scriptures to me and got the hell out of there.
The next few days were the worst of my life and I considered suicide many times. I paid no attention in class, did not talk to friends, certainly could not discuss it with my JW friends or wordly family. I had no one to turn to. My parent's would barely make eye contact with me or eat dinner with me. I hid in my room which I was never allowed to do previously.
About two weeks later I had a JC. I guess my Dad had cooled off by then and was ready to go to bat for his son. We met at the hall and I had to answer questions, the usual JC crap. Where was your hands, where were hers? How many times.... blah blah blah.....
Afterwards, I was told to wait outside, while my Dad went in and I assume went to bat for me.
About half an hour later they called me back in to let me know I would be publicly reproved. One of the elder's seemed compassionate and concerned for me. The other was pissed avoiding eye contact, and the other just indifferent. The hall was known for being very spiritually strong yet a bit cliquish and unfriendly. We soon transfered back to another hall that we had first attended when we moved in. Basically, I got a public reproof if my Dad agreed to walk away and go back to the other hall from what I can tell as an adult.
My father and I have never spoke of it since. I have ranted angrily about it to my Mom but not in more than a decade. I just burried it and grew out of my most self destructive behaviors on my own.
I have made so many mistakes since then with my life and relationships. It has been like peeling an onion and I have finally gotten to the bottom of it. My life and relationship with my self was pretty healthy (considering I was in a cult) until that day. I was a 100% believer as child and after the JC all I wanted to do was get away from family and the org out of shame as fast as possible and I did.
As an adult, old enough to have children myself and being in a position at times where younger and more vulnerable people trust me it is apparent this was abuse. The innappropiate relationship was one thing, but the crucification of my sense of identify and self worth was completely obscene and perverse. I have a decent relationship with my parents and they will never see their part in all of this, I must accept it.
After a year of therapy and working on my most obvious flaws as an adult, I took a break feeling like I made good progress. I am now aware of my quirks and self destructive habits. However, something strange started happening lately. When I feel those negative feelings I talk myself out of doing something dumb like getting drunk, high, or seeking out an unhealthy relationship. It is not always easy. I have become a little disturbed wondering when will these feelings of being "unworthy" ever go away. When will I ever feel normal? Why is it so easy to see now how my life is just a cliche and predicatable for someone that was abused. I used to think I was real bad-ass or unique. Now I realize I am not any different than any other abuse victim.
I decided to go back into therapy for another year and work on the core of this issue. Not forgiving or healing from the past, the JC and all but dealing with the core of the issue. How my sense of self and identity changed when I was only 14.
To complicate this some don't understand how this is any form of abuse to begin with. Since I was male and was willing to get involved with this woman it must not be a bad thing, they say. I bought in to that for a long time until I remembered a few things. I only began fooling around with her because I was not allowed to date or express my feelings to any girls my age. The other thing is I remembered that she called me a couple of months after this was all over. She reached out to me after it was exposed. That is the pattern of a creep on her part. I realize I was more of a victim than I thought I was for so long.
I know what happened to me is not as bad as being raped or suffering incest. I acknowledge that, but the way the JC and my family hung the guilt and shame on me scarred me to my core. Sometimes it is easy to bury these things for the sake of moving on. Sometimes it is necessary to dig them up for the same reason.
If your thinking about getting help. There are some wonderfully talented people out there. They don't have to understand the JWs to help. Thanks for reading, don't give up no matter how complicated it seems.