Advice needed please.

by tenene 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • tenene

    I've been a lurker here for about a year and a half. I am a baptised JW(born-in).

    I was a publisher in good standing until about last December when i stopped putting in FS time as well as attending meetings and conventions including this year's memorial.

    I no longer believe in the teachings of the watchtower society.

    About 3 weeks ago an elder and a MS from my cong came to ny house uninvited and told me they were just checking on me and wanted to find why i haven't been to the meetings for such a long time. They told me it was not an official visit, but sort of hinted to me that if i don't show up then i might be getting an official one soon. well i thanked them for stopping by and told them i'll be at the meetings. 3 weeks have passed and i haven't been to any meeting, i have'nt heard anything yet.

    The problem is i don't know what i'd say to the elders when they come for a visit. I don't want to DA or DF because my mom is a JW. I want to fade while in good standing.

  • bafh

    1) don't answer the door unless you are expecting someone.

    2) a fade is usually gradual, not cold turkey so as not to create a stir....if you have to, go occasionally - arrive late, leave early but be seen. come up with "i've been ill, depressed, working too much, blah blah blah...."

    3) if people ask where you've been be sure to appreciate their concern, but practice giving no answer - "I appreciate your concern.I've been so overwhelmed with ______, and I haven't been feeling well. I'm doing the best I can. Thanks."

    4) screen your calls. Get a Google Talk number that you can give to people that just goes to voicemail and that you never answer.

    5) don't answer the door unless you are expecting someone.

    6) I still attend the Memorial. One reason is that NOT attending the Memorial is sort of the last thing that brings attention that you may not just be weak, but an apostate. So, if you can bring yourself to attend, I'd reccommend it.

    7) move if you can. doesn't have to be far, just out of your territory.

    ~ just my 2 cents


  • OnTheWayOut

    Get caller ID and screen out your calls. Let anyone you don't recognize go to voicemail/machine.

    There's nothing wrong with the instant fade the way you did it, just stop going. You cannot be DF'ed or DA'ed (under current rules) if they don't know of any Watchtower-defined "sins" that you have been involved in. Don't let them know of any voting, lottery ticket buying, holiday celebrating, church attending.

    If you are interested in only maintaining a relationship with JW family, then the local elders can kiss your doorbell all day. Don't answer. If you accidentally answer, say "Oh, I am fine. You should call before you come over. Have a nice day." Then close the door.

    If you keep your relationship with your mother, don't even bother to attend the memorial. So many think they must go to at least that. You must do what your particular circumstance calls for. I don't attend any meetings whatsoever and I maintain family relations with JW's.

    Never underestimate what the local elders might do. They might camp out in cars overnight or follow you to catch you breaking their rules to kick you out. If you are involved in any violations of their rules, you might consider moving where they don't know how to find you.

  • Glander

    bafh advice above is good if you are willing to put your personal life into seige mode.

    I would suggest you also start preparing yourself for the possiblity that they nail you down. By imagining your life after an abrupt end to the charade you will be better prepared for the consequences. Worst case scenario, if you will.

  • 3rdgen

    Tenene, Welcome! There are numerous past threads that are devoted to advice on how to sucessfully fade. Go to the search button and call up the subject.

    The most important thing to remember is it is ALWAYS a bad idea to talk to the Elders. If they call don't answer. If they leave messages to call them-don't. If they drop by unexpectedly, don't answer the door. If someone else in your family answers the door say you are indisposed and refuse to talk to them. Period. Anything you say can and will be used against you later. The best armor is to STAY OUT OF RANGE. Eventually they will give up if you don't say or do anything publicly to draw attention to yourself or your not believing anymore. This includes facebook and other sites where you use your real name.

    I wish you sucess out of the stranglehold of the Watchtower.

  • Glander

    Oh yeah, don't decorate for Christmas.

  • diamondiiz

    It depends on the congregational elders, some won't care if you just stop cold turkey and some willget pushy. You have to realize that if you fade within the territory they still will visit you from time to time. The shepherding calls are nothing more than a big joke to try to get you back. All you have to say is at this time you're busy with work or you're depressed and you're working on it.

    If your mom is in the same hall, depression may not work, but all you do is listen to their bs, thank them for coming and don't promise anything more than you'll try and off they go. During the call they will ask you if you sinned, obviously you say no. They'll ask you how your prayers are, you tell them you pray regularly and you read wts publications on regular basis.

    Whatever you do or say, when they ask if you believe wts is god's borg, you have to definitely say YES. Or throw that in there on your own to reasure them you're not an apostate.

    Again, it all depends on elders. I've stopped cold turkey, and I had dubs come over at the request of my wife and I told them I didn't believe in 1914 and I was researching wts and I brought up UN and child abuse cases of 2007 and that was a PO and another elder who visited me. I didn't get a JC nor had I went back until a year later when I handed in my DA. There were rumors I no longer believed in Jehoober but never got JC or DF. Again, it depends on your body of elders and possibly your age as they like to push younger ones more than they would "mature" adults.

  • leavingwt

    If you tell them the truth, you'll be excommunicated.

    So, you must either lie to them or avoid them. You must also live your life publicly according to JW rules. If they find about about conduct that is against their rules, they will excommunicate you.

  • yknot

    Glad you have decided to start posting!

    Avoidance is possible and some good ideas above!

    But if you don't keep your word at go back to the meeting they will bring it up the next time you bump into them...

    Maybe go to the CBS or next week's Sunday talk....(be seen)

    From there you only go once a month and make sure they see you....

    In six months reduce to once every 2 months....

    In six months reduce to oncce every 3 months

    Than if possible move your publisher card.....

    If that isn't possible have a good 'I am doing fine, been busy, thanks for stopping by' spiel worked out......

    If you have a landline phone still never answer the door (to elders) without your cell programmed to speed dial the landline... "oh sorry Brothers, I am expecting a call....thank you for your concern....cya


    If ya do keep the cold-turkey route..... I woud make a point to keep up on what is being said in the publications for your mother's sake. Parents worry when they


  • cofty


    If you want to be free to be you, moving to a new place where no JW knows you would be good. Don't know if that is practical for you?

Share this