What do you do when you find yourself flip flopping on doubting?

by marriedtoajw 18 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • marriedtoajw

    I've never once ever considered that the JW's were right about anything, slight exaggeration but you know what I mean, until fairly recently. I think I can see how people get attracted to the JW's. I've posted here about my struggles with my wife, well things have gotten much worst as many of you seemed to indicate might happen. Although my situation is complicated by the fact that I have very active hardcore hypocritical JW's on my side of the family too, let alone my wifes family. My JW uncle has been reaching out to me more and more the last several months. My father, his brother, passed away when I was 6 and you know what, he looks so much like my dad. It almost feels like my dad is sitting right in front me talking to me so the sentimentality of it all is surreal. He seens to want to make a stronger connection with me as he has invited me to his home for bbq's and such. My father passed away 30 years ago and I've probably had 10 conversations with him through out those years and now all of the sudden he is reaching out to me at a time when things are getting more intense between my wife, her family and I.

    My oldest son just turned 21 a couple of months ago and the full court press is on to try to "get him in". I don't believe I can fight it anymore as he is at an age where my influence is getting less and less. I can tell he is being indoctrinated as he is pulling further and further away from me emotionally, spiritually, you name it. He went to stay with his JW grandparents and aunt and uncle in another state for the last month. I know what's going on but my wife is being real hush hush. No doubt they are taking him to meetings and a convention and such. Anyway, I've been financially strained lately with my wife not working, not looking for work while I work 12 hours a day and still falling behind on our mortgage and other obligations. We may lose our home as I don't make enought income to support all of us and the bills. She seems inclined to let it all fall apart but doesn't say a word about it. I try to keep things civil in the home for the sake of our other small children but it's getting more and more difficult. She wont look for a job, not that there is much out there anyway, but you would think that if a woman loved her husband and say him doing so much to keep things going, she might want to step it up a little, if even for just awhile, but that's never been her way.

    She's told me in a fit of anger a couple of weeks ago that I don't even know how done she is with me. My daughter heard her and cried herself to sleep that night. Have to fill you guys in later with more details...

  • King Solomon
    King Solomon

    Wow, sorry to hear of the situation decompensating. That's really rough, but it IS life. Sometimes that's what you're served, and the challenge is how you deal with it (ie do you go into denial mode, suppress your feelings for the sake of others, etc).

    About the flip-flopping: your entire family is under a lot of stress right now, and facing many critical decisions (some which you can control, and others which it will be more like you trying to control a crash). Prioritizing the 'pecking order' of which issues to deal with is difficult, but it's OK to reprioritize temporarily just to survive. If you mean you are tempted to just cave in and accept a huge lie to achieve a bit of peace, that MAY be OK to do, to "table" the issue for now. It means you're sacrificing a bit of yourself, but that's fine: there is no time-line that needs to be followed.

    However, remember many of us here cannot live a lie forever, whether the lie is the TATT, or a marriage. At least, SOME cannot do that (i.e. anyone who has a sense of desire for truths in their life, and isn't willing to accept a substitute).

    Hang in there, and I'm sure everyone here is pulling for you AND your family...

  • diamondiiz

    Sit down, think about all the options you have to make your life happier and plan to make it happen. We only live once so we should try to make our lives at least somewhat happy.

    Don't let your son fall for the dub carrot, get him to research - jwfacts.com is a good start.

  • whathappened

    We would all like to hear more about your situation and help if we can.

    Your wife probably feels as I did, years ago, when I was married to my husband who was an elder who expressed apostate opinions to me in private.

    She is encouraged by the org to stay married to you, but you don't want to be in her religion and you seem to be going in the opossing direction dispite all her efforts to convert you. She sees you as a threat to her children getting to live forever in paradise with her. She doesn't want you to drag them away from this wonderful picture, which she sincerely believes will and can happen.

    She is now at her wits end trying to deal with the fact that it doesn't look like you are ever going to fulfill her wish of you becoming part of the org.

    I am not optimistic about this marriage lasting unless she comes to her senses and realises she should be happy that she has a man who loves her and is a good, caring father to her children.

    I sincerely hope that you can find a way to reach her. Keep trying in the most loving manner you can. Our thoughts are with you.

  • marriedtoajw

    king soloman- YES YES YES... I do find myself constantly in denial. I can feel myself knowing and understanding what's hapening but then I revert right back into denial because I don't know what else I can do. I feel as if I'm the only person who can see what my JW family can't see. I mean, what do they think that will happen if the supposed armageddon happens? Do they really think that asteroids or whatever will fall from the sky taking out nonjws and skip that person but get that person and so on??? I mean I know better but my life and family are falling apart. What am I to do???

  • Glander

    I'll let you know if it ever happens but after 30+ years I'm holding steady. (It's not brain science, by the way)

  • King Solomon
    King Solomon

    I see you've been here almost a year, so it's obviously something you've dealt with for awhile...

    Not knowing anything other than what you've provided, the good news is your son is 21, i.e. we're not talking about children (is that right? Any others at home)?

    I'd say the best you could do for your adult son is to provide him with an example (whether he appreciates it this decade or not) about standing up for the truth, and for personal integrity. Sometimes the greatest disservice you can do as a parent is to NOT present children with challenges to deal with, not having to even contemplate going against the current of social pressures.

    As an example, I have JW siblings who've raised nieces/nephews, where their spouses were 3rg gen JWs; the n/n were home-schooled, and all their friends were JWs, i.e. they were immersed in the JW experience, with nothing else encountered in their lives.

    In contrast, I wasn't born-in, my Dad was never a JW (parents divorced before my Mom came in "the truth", and she was a JW convert). My escape was facilitated as my Dad was free to encourage my development, for me to see another way of life; if he wasn't an influence, I would've been toast. And compared to my n/n, my JW upbringing taught me lessons of standing up for myself (I wasn't homeschooled, so faced "persecution" by not saluting the flag), which also empowered me to walk away from "the truth". Thank God (Zoroaster, that is) I was never baptized.

    My point is, my nephews are so completely screwed, as the biggest challenge they face in their current lives IS the lack of challenges faced in childhood, i.e. those challenges that WOULD'VE made them strong enough to walk away from the Witnesses, too. Do you see what I'm getting at?

    Your son is an adult, but the best gift you could possibly give him now is to set an example. Perhaps he suspects you ARE having doubts, and is disappointed in your not standing up for yourself? Again: I have no way to know, just brain-storming out loud here....

    This is, of course the JW TRAP you're in: if you get DFed, he's supposed to shun you (if he gets baptized).

    Just some food for thought: no doubt about it, you're in a tricky one, and unfortunately Ol' King Sol doesn't have any magic tricks up his sleeve (you son is too old to threaten to cut him in half, which is my usual 'go-to' trick to appear wise....)

    Good luck with it!

  • Cold Steel
    Cold Steel

    I'm not sure I understand your situation fully. Is your wife a JW? And is her attitude towards you based on your refusal to tow the line in spiritual matters? And will your son even talk to you about it? Also, how long are you going to stand for the ill treatment your wife is heaping on you? She apparently has lost all interest in maintaining your relationship with her and in maintaining the family’s financial solidity.

    You’re working 12 hours a day working and she refuses to look for a job. She’s also completely disinterested in whether you keep your home.

    This is a grim situation, and it’s tragic that your daughter is sensing this discord. Have you considered taking this to the church in an effort to work something out? And what happens if you lose your home?

    What is your wife’s attitude towards you and why do you think she is unwilling to work? Do you think she wants a divorce? Or is it that she’s overwhelmed and has simply given up? There’s clearly a hostility there on her part and it’s rapidly being internalized by your son. Just how much is the church involved in all this?

  • OnTheWayOut

    I don't fully understand your situation from what is detailed here. But I do understand the part about your son.

    I don't have kids, but I am confident that I would be all-out on my own "full court press" to get them out of the cult if they were not already "in."

    I would not worry about being shunned by any other family members if that's what it took. I would show them Ray Franz' book and Steve Hassan's book and take them to clear information on how the end was supposed to come before 1914, then 1914, then 1925, and definitely in 1975 and before the "generation of 1914 passed away."

  • jgnat

    From your account I don't hear any doubt. What I hear is a man in crisis. No kidding, with no support group around you. The board can help a little bit.

    By the way, there is a special bond between son and father and your son is coming of an age where he will find you more important, not less. I'd set up some manly play-dates with him, just as your uncle is trying to do with you.

    Your financial situation concerns me. If I were you, I'd sell the house and move in to something within your single-income means. If it means bunk-beds and shared bedrooms for the little ones, so be it. This is the choice your wife is making by not supporting you financially.

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