For those of you who do not believe in corporal punishment...

by Chemical Emotions 54 Replies latest jw friends

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  Chemical Emotions

  That is, for those of you who actually think that hitting children is wrong, what types of discipline do you find more effective?

  I'm not a parent but when dealing with kids, I've seen that time-outs tend to make kids feel isolated and can really hurt them. If they're near others and are checked up on frequently, it seems ok. But when they're completely ignored, that is just bad. I hate that.

  Getting down and talking with them eye-to-eye sometimes seems to help.

  Yelling doesn't ever work, but if they bite you and you say very clearly OW THAT HURTS! loudly, even yelling, it gets their attention, but not if you yell a lot at other times.

  Just my limited experience. :)

  If anyone comments on here about how effective hitting kids can be, etc etc, you will be posting OFF TOPIC.
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  mrsjones5

  A good mommie stare works, but that has to be developed over time. I can even mommie stare other folks' kids.

  Saying "Ow!" real loud is only affective if the child dosen't consider it a game. I'm having flashback of my babies smiling as they chewed on my tit.
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  Razziel

  "A good mommie stare works"

  It works on husbands too.
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  mrsjones5

  This is true.
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  neverscreamagain

  That also applies to smiling husbands.
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  tornapart

  For some unknown reason whenever I wanted my kids to do as they were told, counting 1-10 worked miracles. Not sure how or why but it did. LOL

  Sending them to their room until they apologised for bad behaviour worked too.

  A board with coloured stars on for good behaviour was effective, once they reached a certain number of gold stars they received a nice reward. A reward for being good is always better than a punishment for being bad.
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  jgnat

  I used corporal punishment - under strict limits - but I believe now I could have done without.

  Raising teenagers convinced me the important qualities are self-control, consistency, and follow-through.

  Whatever you consider intolerable and make sure is so, your children will adapt. I find screaming, whining children intolerable. This means I make sure I do not tax my children beyond their limits. They have naps. They eat when hungry. And they leave the mall early if they can't behave. I had a glove box stash of treats ready to give out AFTER the outing, and I made sure my toddlers knew what was expected to earn them. My no was no and was a definite no if a whine was attached. I don't scream or whine myself. I demonstrate self-control. If a whine is building, chances are the child thinks they are not being heard. Give a moment of full attention, let them know you heard them, then let them know that whining is not an option. Teach them civilized ways of getting their message across. I told my granddaughter these are negotiating skills and I taught her a few myself.

  I think my granddaughter was no more than three when she first started building up a good whine in front of me. Her mother was upstairs on the computer. Naomi was downstairs with me. "Naomi," I said directly, "You have two choices. You can go upstairs and tell your mother that she has had enough time on the computer, or you can sit with me and watch the TV. But whining is not an option." This mournful three year-old gives me a miserable stare, pauses a moment, then declares, "I am going to go see my mommy!"

  "Good", I said, "that is better than whining."

  She stomped her miserable little butt up the stairs, mad that she did not have a good retort handy. After all, she was only three years old.

  As adults, surely we are more ingenious and experienced than our darling progeny. There are always ways....
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  NewChapter

  Counting was really effective for me too---I counted to 3, but slowly. And one day we ended up laughing, because neither my daughter nor I even knew what would happen if I reached 3! I never had too. She ignored me at 1, She began her internal struggle at 2, and by 3 she was listening again. Thank goodness. I didn't know what would come next. I hated time outs. I know they are popular, and common wisdom says they are effective, but I just didn't like them. My daughter was an only child, and pretty used to and comfortable with alone time. But also, I just didn't like that things weren't handled immediately. Time outs weighed heavily on the household, and I was always anxious to restore peace. But I had it easy. I really did. My daughter seemed to really want to do the right thing, and it was only her youthful exhuberance that made her get carried away. I also had the problem that when she pulled some childish antic, I would find it funny and fight against laughing. I was a mess. She'd do something, and I'd marvel at her creativity and be chuckling inside. It's really difficult to be convincingly authoritarian when you knew you would tell the funny story for years. But mostly I always had the best expectations for her, and she lived up to them easily. If I told her to do something, I expected her to do it, and didn't even think about her not doing it. So she didn't either--mostly. I hear parents phrase their requests this way: "Pick up your toys or . . . this will happen." I didn't do that. I just said, "Pick up your toys, please." Why let her think that I expect I may have to punish her? I didn't. I expected her to pick up her toys, and she did---usually. That doesn't mean that things didn't get intense at times. Sometimes I would have to lay out consequences, but I always left the choice to her. If she didn't listen after a reminder or two, I would give her a consequences. And then I would watch her struggle as she weighed the options. She always chose to listen. And one other thing that was most effective as she grew older was my 'shock'. I would watch her behavior and I would say it outloud, in a LOT detail. I remember once she backtalked and used a sarcastic tone with me. I said, "Did you just say 'this' in a tone that indicated that you thought I was stupid? Did you really just do that? I'm just kind of shocked that this just happened. I mean, this is what I said, and this is what you said, and that really just happened!" LOL I remember this so clearly. She looked down and blushed deeply. I finally had to giggle. She needed to be let off the hook. I just shook my head and said, "Wow, that just surprised me!" She never did it again. I knew I had it easy and kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. She's 24 now, graduating college, and getting married. Apparently we lost the other shoe. But I definitely had it easy. I didn't deserve that--I was a rotten kid---but it's proof there is not Karma! NC
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  Band on the Run

  Spanking does not promote good habits in children. It traumatizes them. There is no long term change. The absolute worst punishment for me (and I was frerquently beaten where serious injury was involved) was the temporary removal of my mother's affection. One look could stop me in my tracks. I respected her wheras I had zilch respect for Mr. Kill You. I was pulled out of the family car as a toddler while my father speeded away. It terrorized me in the beginning. After a while, I knew to find the police. He would be the sorry one. I no longer cried. Rather, I just srtood there and waiting for the car to return. As Dr. Phil says, how is it working for you?

  CE, I think the most important remedy is what you posted earlier. Practical tips on why corporal punishment accomplishes further disobedience and destroys parental-child bonds. If my child were running into traffic, however, I would slap. When my dog did it, she was slapped hard. She never did it again. A live dog is better than a dead dog. Most parents know slapping and worse puinishment is wrong. Society does not give any tips on how to stop doing it. When I travel, I see a vast class difference and North/South difference in culture.

  There were such serious race riots in high school that made the New York Times. The police declared a riot and ordered us to leave the school immediately. After five minutes, anyone would be arrested. What drama. I shook all over, clasping every school book. We walked hope in a large crowd. Concerned parents of both races called for a boycott, demanding safety for their children. A few of my closest friends from grade school were hospitalized with injuries. My father went ballistic at the thought of students not obeying. He ranted and ranted. For the first time ever, he drove me to school and parked the car to make certain I did not run away from the school. In full view of my parents, the boy in front of me had a horrible altercation with the vice prncipal. He had a sharp knife hidden that the vp saw. They were rolling on the ground, trying to keep the knife. I turned to both my parents, hoping they would change their mind. My father got out of the car and shoved me into the school.

  Several teachers accosted me and screamed at me that I should be home. I snapped with one and cried that I had no choice. He comforted me and told me to be careful. What a lovely religion. I can still vividly picture the knife covered with a napkin.
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  MrFreeze

  mrsjones, the stare definitely works. Worked on me. My dad and mom wouldn't even have to say a word. Just that look.