If you were raised in a home with a JW parent and a non-JW parent: a few questions

by Lady Lee 43 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  C6H12O6

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW?
     no
     
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW?
     Probably both: JW mother, and I also had other "mother" and "older sister" figures in the congregation
     
  3. Did they argue about it?
     no
     
  4. Were you forced to go?
     yes
     
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays?
     Yup, so it was good bye halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, chinese new year and birthdays
     
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life?
     Felt bad that if my dad and my entire extended family did not become JW's then they won't be able to live forever in paradise.
     So I tried to be as good as possible to "win them over with good conduct."
     Unfortunately, i was never able to convert anyone like the examples and experiences.
     I was told that the problem was my fault because I was not good enough by God's WT standards...thus damaging my sense of self-worth in the process.
     I was also taught to avoid "bad association," including my own unbelieving relatives.
     So i spent as little time possible with them.
     Years later, I regretted missing out on their important events.
     Now that i'm no longer a JW, i'm considered the villian no matter what i do...oh the power of gossip.
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation?
     The experience of being a JW has left me with severe depression, another therapist and several people noticed it.
     The extremely sheltered lifestyle also made me unprepared for the real world.
     Sometimes i have self-esteem issues and look for approval from others, and it also made me sensitive to criticism.
     
  8. Any other thoughts
     Having someone for emotional support and reality check does wonders during the recovery phase. It was a lot harder to heal when i was alone.
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  Bobbi

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? My father was an unbeliever until I was in my twenties.
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? My mother, the JW, was in charge of our religious upbringing.
  3. Did they argue about it? I remember a couple of loud shouting arguments around the time I think my mother got baptized. Dad refused to allow us to go out in service until I was 16 years old. That caused alot of tension between Mom and Dad.
  4. Were you forced to go? I don't remember being given a choice. I don't remember Dad ever trying to stop her from taking us.
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? We would go to my father's parents house for christmas until I was 8 years old, then I told Dad I didn't want to go any more. Mom was always so mad at us for going it just wasn't worth it. I broke my father's heart that year and I think I ruined our relationship beyond repair.
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? My mother had such complete control over us that I grew up with a very unhealthy view of how a parent/child relationship should be. I also think the worry that my Dad was going to die at armageddon lead me to fear loving him too much. Dad stood up a few times for me and let me do some "normal" stuff. Mom always made me feel so bad about it later that I stopped asking.
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation? I would like therapists who are working with adults who grew up in divided households to understand how hard it is for us to trust and love. We grow up trying to please everyone and end up failing everyone, because after all, we were just children. I am still a people pleaser, even when the cost is too high. I try to make everyone happy and spend way to much time worrying that I am doing something wrong.
  8. Any other thoughts? The unbelieving parent can't win against the JW parent. When my mother would say, "I am doing this so that our children will live forever in paradise", what was Dad to say? "No, I'd rather they celebrated the holidays now and died with me at Armegeddon" I still have a lot of anger towards my Dad for not standing up to Mom and saving my sister and I. I hate my mother for using the bible and religion to guilt trip me into doing what she wanted.
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  sherah

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? no
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? the JW
  3. Did they argue about it? No..the non-JW was passive & didn't see the harm in the religion
  4. Were you forced to go? Yes
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? NO
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? Loss of respect for the non-jw for not showing any interest in the religious aspect of my upbringing. The religion led to my parents divorce.
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation? WBTS divides families.
  8. Any other thoughts? I'll come back...
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  transhuman68

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? No, but he was a Bible study.
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? The JW (my mother).
  3. Did they argue about it? Yes, and got divorced.
  4. Were you forced to go? No.
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? No
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? Hard to say- both my parents were dysfunctional.
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation? That I am still a mess at 43.
  8. Any other thoughts? Cults and high-control groups attract dysfunctional people like my parents. Ugh!
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  biometrics

  1. No, never. However he was friends with some of the JWs. I don't think he ever stepped into a KH.
  2. The JW parent.
  3. Sometimes. The JW parent didn't want me having non-JW friends. The no-JW parent wanted me to make friends at school.
  4. Until the non-JW parent died I wasn't really made to go. Sometimes I'd stay at home with the non-JW parent.
  5. Sometimes, we'd go with the non-JW's family to celibrate Christmas, Easter, birthdays.
  6. It ended when I was 7 years old when the non-JW parent died. So it's hard to say.
  7. I don't see any therapists.
  8. Not that I'd like to post here.
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  Lazarus

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? No
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? JW
  3. Did they argue about it? Only in the beginning
  4. Were you forced to go? yes
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? no
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? no big deal for me
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation? no need for a therapist
  8. Any other thoughts? Yes, but I keep them for myself at now.
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  James Brown

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? NO
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? NON J-W mother
  3. Did they argue about it? YES fought and argued terribley. My father would have bon fires burning all the JW literature.
  4. Were you forced to go? YES
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? NO

  6.Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? It gave me an excuse to be

  angry and mad at the world. I found myself blaming lifes unpleasntrys on the JW organization. It made me mad at both

  parents for allowing me to be exposed to the JW thought process.

  7.What would you want therapists to know about your situation? I'm 60 years old. I'm not going to a therapist over this

  at this point. I did go to one when I was in my 40's. Its hard to remember 20 something years ago. I went to one session.

  I talked he listened.

  Then he gave me a book he wrote "How to be your own therapist". His fees were like 250$ an hour. So I read the book

  and didnt go back to the therapist. The book answered all my questions at least that as an adult, I was responsible

  for my thoughts and anger.

  I did go to AA for 7 years. And there I got free therapy, or 1$ a session. I took the therapy

  as an alcoholic, but I would say to myself that I was a recovering Jehovahs witness. The problems that the group of alcoholics

  had seemed so similar to my JW problems that I related to them and during that 7 years my depression anger and mental

  condition improved fantastically. AA worked for me I guess because I was medicating myself over my depression and anger

  with alcohol. Over those 7 years I am sure I told the AA group everything about the evil JW's and over and over

  they told me to let go and let God.

  8 Any other thoughts? I lived a life so far 60 years. In 60 years there is good and bad.

  A lot of the bad in my life came from JW thinking.

  Not having a good job because of not having an education.

  Not having a good retirement plan because of not having an education. That still angers me today at 60 and there is nothing

  I can do about it but let go and let God. Or try not to think about it. But how can I not think about it.

  Every day of my life I think about it..
• 

  Aussie Oz

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? No
  2. Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? The JW
  3. Did they argue about it? Yes and they got divorced
  4. Were you forced to go? no real choice, and got indoctrinated very fast
  5. Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? No
  6. Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? I hated my dad and this was tacitly allowed/encouraged. I reconnected with my dad 22 years later, he is my hero.
  7. What would you want therapists to know about your situation? That the situation is rotten. JWs left me with the lowest self esteem that my therapist had ever come accross.
  8. Any other thoughts? Although my time in a divided home was short, it left me fatherless for many years. It led to my mother being a single mother with three teenagers right when armageddon was supposed to hit.

  oz
• 

  troubled mind

  1. Was your non-JW parent ever a JW? ....... No, My Mother became a JW in the 1950's before I was born . My Father was following a Military career ,20 yrs in the Marine Corps .

  * Who was responsible for your religious upbringing? The JW or the non-JW? ....... My Mother the JW

  * Did they argue about it?.......Yes , my Father forbid her from going d2d on base because he did not want to be embarassed in front of his men . He would bash the JW's all the time calling them 'bible thumpers and men who speak with forked tongue ".

  * Were you forced to go? Yes , even though my Father disliked the JW's he felt religion was womens work and that children must obey the parent . It was also believed at that time children were seen not heard ,in other words we did not get a say .

  * Did the non-JW parent have any real say in how the family celebrated holidays? ........ I remember them arguing about having a Christmas tree ,he wanted one and she didn't . She finally said if he wanted one he had to do all the work ....we never had one so I guess he did not want it badly enough . He did persuade her to buy us a gift at Xmas ,but it was never wrapped and the house was not decorated . We always had a family dinner on holidays . Birthdays we got to chose what we wanted for supper and dessert .No wrapped presents ,no candles on cake and no singing Happy Bday . One time when I was 5 I begged my Dad at the supper table to let me go trick or treating for Halloween . He forced my Mom to allow me . She said she would not take me ,but relented to allow my older brothers to go with me . When she took me in the bathroom to dress me up ,she slapped me across the face and told me to NEVER go against her again when it came to holidays ....they were detestable to Jehovah and we should never do them .

  * Over all what impact did this split household have on your childhood and even later in life? ........ I was taught to never trust my Father because he was not a JW . I was taught not to confide in him or my Grandparents . I worried constantly from early childhood about him dieing in the big A . I felt abnormal from other children very anxious, and afraid most of my life . I was told at a very young age that the Military would turn on religion and that one day my Dad may even try to kill my Mom or put her in jail for her beliefs ,and that us kids would be taken away so we would have to be faithful to Jehovah on our own .......Yeah this does a major trip on a young childs mind and mental ,emotional development . I grew up feeling very alone and knowing I could never depend or trust in anyone but myself ....this has always stuck with me to this day . Which has not been all bad ,but it would have been nice to learn or feel loved and secure with in my own family .

  * What would you want therapists to know about your situation?......... I would want a therapist to understand how much my childhood molded my emotional ,mental patterns . How separate and different ,alienated from others this caused me to feel . Children should be encouraged to voice their inner thoughts and feel free to express themselves instead of swallowing all that pain and hurt .

  * Any other thoughts?...... I wonder how many others growing up this way felt torn in two trying to please a JW parent and a non JW parent ?
• 

  Lady Lee

  wow. As far as I know there has been very little research done on the children in families where only one parent is in a cult. By taking a very quick look at many of your responses here and those I got by PM the damge done to the children in these religiously divided homes is tremendous. I can see this kind of data would be of extreme help to lawyers who are trying to get the children away from the cult member and to put restrictions on the cult member regarding their parenting the children.

  It just saddens me that the children are trapped. Universally in spite of how much the UBM (unbelieving mate) hates it the JW parent gets full autonomy when it comes to raising the kids as JWs. For UBMs who were never JWs they have no idea what they are allowing their children to be subjected to.

  so much for uniting families.