The lying, the faking and pretending, the hiding, the endless mind-numbing meetings, service, preaching, assemblies, everything!
Most of the time I can handle it quite well. But not today. I feel physically sick now, and extremely depressed.
I hate religion. All of it.
I've been tempted, at times, to tell myself to believe it all again, but I just can't. Not anymore. Not after all of this. Sometimes I wonder why I ever discovered the truth about the "Truth". I can't leave yet for reasons beyond my control and this is killing me. It reminds me of Sypher, from the Matrix.
It hurts me to know that I never made any real friends in school or kept them around since I still believed everything back then and so now I really have NO friends in which to be completely open with and let this all out.
I built myself a prison, and threw away the key. I built it from nothing. Ever since I was only a mere four year old. I can be in a room filled with people, and yet I am completely alone.
What will become of my life? Nobody knows. What will I do after I'm out? I had an idea, that once I was out, I would travel to meet one of you here, in person, if only to say hello and know that standing in front of me was another human being who went through the same shit. And hopefully one day it'll happen. Because I am so damn lonely and alone now, and I can only imagine how much worse those feelings will be when I leave.
I have dreams and goals that have absolutely zero to do with religion that I hope I can one day accomplish. I bet many of you do too.
I don't know what to believe in anymore. I'm fine with that. Theres a saying that I think goes, "The only thing I really know is that I dont really know anything" or something like that. Its very true to me.
I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts tonight and so I apologize for not making much sense, I just had to vent and get it all out because I'm scared that I'll drive myself crazy if I keep it all in.
Thank you for being here. Lurkers, old timers, new ones, hell, even the new trolls. Thank you all. You make my life a little less impossible.
Here's to hoping that I make it though tonight. May everyone here have a goodnight.