I can't take it anymore!

by OneDayillBeFree 26 Replies latest jw experiences

  • OneDayillBeFree

    The lying, the faking and pretending, the hiding, the endless mind-numbing meetings, service, preaching, assemblies, everything!

    Most of the time I can handle it quite well. But not today. I feel physically sick now, and extremely depressed.

    I hate religion. All of it.

    I've been tempted, at times, to tell myself to believe it all again, but I just can't. Not anymore. Not after all of this. Sometimes I wonder why I ever discovered the truth about the "Truth". I can't leave yet for reasons beyond my control and this is killing me. It reminds me of Sypher, from the Matrix.

    It hurts me to know that I never made any real friends in school or kept them around since I still believed everything back then and so now I really have NO friends in which to be completely open with and let this all out.

    I built myself a prison, and threw away the key. I built it from nothing. Ever since I was only a mere four year old. I can be in a room filled with people, and yet I am completely alone.

    What will become of my life? Nobody knows. What will I do after I'm out? I had an idea, that once I was out, I would travel to meet one of you here, in person, if only to say hello and know that standing in front of me was another human being who went through the same shit. And hopefully one day it'll happen. Because I am so damn lonely and alone now, and I can only imagine how much worse those feelings will be when I leave.

    I have dreams and goals that have absolutely zero to do with religion that I hope I can one day accomplish. I bet many of you do too.

    I don't know what to believe in anymore. I'm fine with that. Theres a saying that I think goes, "The only thing I really know is that I dont really know anything" or something like that. Its very true to me.

    I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts tonight and so I apologize for not making much sense, I just had to vent and get it all out because I'm scared that I'll drive myself crazy if I keep it all in.

    Thank you for being here. Lurkers, old timers, new ones, hell, even the new trolls. Thank you all. You make my life a little less impossible.

    Here's to hoping that I make it though tonight. May everyone here have a goodnight.


  • tootired2care

    Dude, I was just thinking about you about an hour ago and wondering if you were okay, no lie! I'm in the same boat as you in many ways, alcohol, long walks, video games and flakyness at meetings and service help me get through it for now.

    How are things going with that chica you were sweet on?

  • tootired2care

    Here is a few virtual rounds on me, here is to someday being free, cheers.

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    There are a lot of issues you'll end up facing along the way. I'd like to say it gets better because it does. But I used to hate it when people said that to me. "IT gets better". barf

  • tootired2care
    I can't leave yet for reasons beyond my control and this is killing me.

    Based on what you've said above it sounds like you have a lot of anger. It might not be a bad idea to find a pressure valve of some sort to divert that anger, is there some sports that you enjoy where you could do this? Have you perphaps thought about going to counseling, so you can vent this stuff with someone objective face to face?

  • Listener

    Sleep tight and dream of better times.

  • clarity

    Hello Oneday ...... a brave & moving post.

    Well, one day soon you will be free .... and you will look back and see how far you have come.


    Our personalities have been so fractured by a cult ... we haven't been authentic by any stretch of the imagination, pretty hard to attract friends that way. Real friends that is. Please don't blame yourself for your aloneness.

    Many have been lucky ..... the rest of us didn't stand a chance ...... until now!

    Now, at our finger tips we have the means to expose all the crap that has been thrown at us, that keeps us deluded captives to a cult. The results are conditional "friends" who we must "love" and who would turn on us in a New York minute!!!

    Chin up, hang in there, it does feel absolutely awful at times .... sorry ... you deserve better!

    One step at a time ....clarity

  • Lozhasleft

    Clarity said it beautifully there. And the journey really does begin with the first step. I remember the aloneness and isolation you speak of and it's really a horrible place to be. Disposable friendships, tragic. Looking back wishing we'd done things differently brings so much sadness and we can't change the past. But what we can change is the future. While you are yet stuck in there for whatever reasons, make concerted efforts every day to start building a new group of friends on the outside. Join anything that brings you into contact with others in terms of hobbies, and start pursuing career goals as soon as is possible. That's the way forward.

    If I recall you're still young enough to have an exciting full life. So, strategies now, put them into place to change things, even while you're still in, yea?

    Wishing you well

    Loz x

  • cantleave

    I was brought up in the cult and stayed in until 42 years old. My whole social network including my work colleagues were JW. It was so hard trying to walk a tightrope, knowing it is bullshit, but at the same time trying to fade without consequence. I could not achieve it, what I thought would be the worst option for me happened, I was DF'd along with my wife.

    But you know what - It has proved to be the best thing that could have happened. No more looking over my shoulder, being able to make the choices I really want to make and ensuring my kids are completely free of this cult is liberating and freeing.

  • LouBelle

    It's horrible when you feel that you have to stay in - that makes it much much worse and the anger builds more and more! You are only doing yourself harm. I hope that soon things will change and you can leave.

    yip - the truth is that you will be alone for a while - man it's hectic but you got to suck it up and make an effort to start making new friends. Start as soon as you can, at work is easiest. Take cake (people always love cake) Have a dinner party. Just let people know you are ready to mingle, say yes to other invites.

    It's so disorientating when you leave because hell now what. Things will settle though. It will get better.

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