I think you have what it will take to make some new friends.
I can't take it anymore!
Young man, I am going to give you some advice I hope you seriously consider, ASAP
Join the military. You need a serious course in , "manning it up". The past year you have done nothing with your life, but worry about JWs, Mommy and daddy and more woe is me, what will I do. Your parents might be unhappy at first, but I believe they will come around in time.
I suggest the Air Force- maybe the Space Command division, working on satellite communications or even launching them from Vandenburg AFB in California. Medical fields will always be in demand, if that interests you. Pick your field wisely and you will have good skiils to use in the civilian life after you get out- Plus, you can take college classes while you are still enlisted. Getting out, if you picked the right field you will have an inside edge to go into a Federal civil service job (5points veteran's preferance) - with security and retirement. I just saw a posted VA job for a dialysis technician for over $50K yr. Stop wasting your time at home worrying about JWs- go talk to a recruiter, take the tests and see what jobs you can qualify for- it costs you nothing to check it out. In a couple months you could be in charge of your own life- Good luck- (try to avoid duty in the Dakotas at all costs)
If you find it within yourself to leave this cult, I can personally promise you one thing. Sooner or later you will look back and wonder "what on Earth was I thinking?".
Most of all you will be able to do so with a sense of pride in yourself.
There will be difficult times ahead, but (although this does sound terribly trite), it does get better.
Best wishes for the future.
All the best
I am not familiar with your situation but if you are young and need direction in life I will agree with Moshe go to the military (airforce 1st choice than navy) This will accomp-lish 2 things:
1st it will kick-start you into adult/manhood. I have always said one of the ways dubs emasculates you as a man is keeping you under your parents roof for far to long. The safety of parental nest is a beautiful thing but there comes a time you MUST set out on your own path.
2nd done right the militarty can set you on a very promising career path.
When I got out of school I had a license to fix aircraft and wanted to be a pilot. I was told the best route was to go to the military. Well as a brainwashed dub this was out of the question and I wanted to serve at bethel.
Fast forward to present of those I went to school with half went into the airforce and most made it a career. One guy was stationed in egypt and just got his PHD on the AF dime another is retired and working for a defense contractor now. ones a pilot and several are working on aircraft.
Me...Wel you know when you get the letter from social security that tells you how much you have put in and what you get when you retire? Mine has a big fat 0 for the 2 years I was at bethel.
Choice is yours bitch and moan about your circumstances and how you cant leave for circumstances beyond your control, or be a man take charge of your life and your future. Get busy living or get busy dying!
Anger is a gift.
Isolation is the gift.
Welcome my son to the machine.
Well said, DF.
The KH is limited in what they can say- , I would send a letter to the elders telling them I enlisted- and letting them know that any denigrating comments announced from the platform about me might be considered subversive under the new Homeland security laws.
I organised myself a job a thousand miles away and disappeared without saying goodbye or telling anyone where I was going. It worked well for me at that time, in that era, country, etc..
In hindsight, I should have made my parents answer the questions I had before I left. We all needed to understand that my parent's excuses for the Watchtowers crazy flip flopping doctrines, rules, history of failure, congregation politics, etc., were flawed. By leaving without confronting their BS excuses, we all lost out. If you still want to have a semblance of a relationship with your family in the future, consider nudging them out of the church before you.
I'm not suggesting that you should dump all of your questions on them. That will backfire on you, 99% guaranteed.
Go to the libarary and get yourself some books teaching critical thinking skills. While you are at it, look for some that teach mind control basics, how to persuade and influence people. Both of these subjects will serve you well in your future.
Once you have these skills, you should have the tools you need to get your parents to want to answer the questions the Watchtower doesn't have sensible answers for and to explain why an answer doesn't make sense, or has avoided the question. You need to do whatever it takes to get them to tell you that they haven't got sensible answers and make them feel guilty for every illegitimate tactic they use to weasel their way out of an answer, or for bullying, psychological abuse, character assassination etc..
You must appear to be a faithful believer during this process and must always lie if asked "Do you believe this is Jehovah's org?"
Sorry I don't have any easy suggestions
It can seem that you are alone and lost stuck in a religion you no longer believe in and unsure whether taking the first step away is the right thing to do. It is a scary place to be but it is not healthy to continue to try to follow a path you are not committed to it inflates these feelings of isolation since you do not truly belong in either camp and you are constantly denying your own thoughts and feelings.
People here have been in a similar place and had to make similar choices, when they tell you it will get better they can be trusted. You need to give life away from the organisation a try. Perhaps try to get to a get together and have a chance to talk through some of your fears and concerns. These gatherings help you put things in perpective and allow you to make connections with people who truly get what you are going through.
If you are feeling desperate then counselling will help in the UK there is a new charity Encourage which provides counselling for people who leave cults. They may be able to put you in touch with similar organisations in other countries if you are outside the UK.
OneDay, you'll get a lot of advice, in the end only you know what will work for you. In my experience it was college that changed the game. It exposes you to new ideas and new people. I suggest finding something you love and majoring in it, and then putting in 100%. Before long the JWs will be in your rear view mirror. And while you're there take a class in philosophy, and/or logic. It helps to make the break. You're probably sick of religion, but I took a class on religion from a sociological/cultural perspective. It really gave me a new perspective on what my JW background was all about, and the motivations behind extreme religious beliefs (and how to avoid such systems).
I don't know your story, but it sounds like making some real connections may help you some. You don't feel you can meet anyone yet, but would you consider skype, or chat, or a phone call? SOME connection so that you are not so alone. Even emails. And while you are making your new friends, you may find that the path you need to take becomes clearer---it happens that way when you can vent your feelings and get feedback.
TooTireds suggestion for counseling was a great one.
I wish you the best. I'm glad you're here. This is the hard part, but it can get better.
And just for the record, I've done this too. I've met a lot of board members, skyped, and talk on the phone. It is incredibly helpful.