The more I'm reading and thinking about what I have previously learned it just opens a whold new can of worms.
My husband and I have been reading/comparing the NWT, Diaglot, Reference bible, etc. and I saw where the society added words, changed meaning, even added an entire sentence without (). I have seen where they have emphasized sayings in the watchtower that are not in the bible like "paradise earth". I could have sworn I read this phase in the bible previouly but it's not there. The crazy thing is I still want it to be true. It sounds so good not having to wake up every mornng go to work, have your own house, be at peace with the animals, never get old and die. I dont know how to get out of that thinking and probably some part of me does not want to.
I asked my husband last night what are we going to do now? He stated "find the truth." I stated what if we dont and he stated "then it will be a good journey." He stated he is waiting for me to start the journey, because I'm not ready yet. which I'm not ready. I want to be happy and to an extent I am = but previously this life was temperary. My whole plan for the future was based on paradise earth. My life now is routine - work, taking care of my baby, TV, then going to bed. We dont really have any friends that we do things with or talk to. Now even the friends that I did have on facebook i'm trying to evade because I think that they're going to ask why have we not gone to the meeting. I have always cared too much of what others think of me and hated that aspect of myself.
family that are df. I have been thinking about contacting my df sister. I have not spoken to her in several years (then it was only 2X through email because I told her I could not have a relationship with her because she was df.) She told me she could not go back to a religion that did not allow her to talk to her father who was df but she could go to his fureral if he died. The crazy thing is she was right. She is on facebook now for a while and previously asked to be added as a friend. I ignored it but did not delete her - everytime i open my facebook I see her request. If I add her I feel like i'm opening a whole can of worms and JW friends and family will find out. Even if I do contact her I feel like such a hyprocrite because I turned my back on her previously. I'm still confused about everything and I dont want to play with her emotions.
My husband was reading to me about cults last night and how JW society fit into the criteria. He was talking about how cults control people so much that they even commit suicide. I started to say JWs dont to that. But my next sentence was "they do when they have memebers die because not taking blood." That is suicide! I was reading in the bible about blood, that if god's people washed, cleansed self they would be clean; they were not df and he did not punish them. It was talking about animal blood eating not saving a persons life by getting a blood transfursion. Also, previously my husband was talking about high control groups and the people in the group need to ask premission to even see family members that are in the hospital. I stated JW does not do that! My husband gave me a look and stated "remember when you felt the need to ask the brothers at the hall if you should/could talk to your df dad who was dying". It makes me frustrated that I can't see how much control they have over my life for myself. Now I feel like I have to evaluate every decision I make in my life = is it my decision/choice or what the society has told me?
The more we are reading, researching, studying it bring up questions that I'm not ready to even dive into because it's so removed from the teaching of the society.
There's more to say but I'm giving myself a headache.