I dont know where to begin. I do know it might get lengthy so I'm sorry for that. And also many thanks to all who read the whole thing. I'll do my best to use small paragraphs as much as possible.
I really need some advice. Some opinions at least.
It's about the only person who I used to trust. The only friend I used to have. In my earlier posts I mentioned a girl who was a non baptized publisher who hated the organization and who wanted to leave it all behind and supported my desicions to fade away, but changed her mind and became pro-JW after visiting Bethel. So after that, I decided to stop talking to her and she did the same. It almost felt like I had been disfellowshipped from her as we wouldnt even say "hi" nor look at each other at the meetings. It was a good 8 months since we had spoken. But three weeks ago, that all changed.
I decided to go see a movie with a group of brothers not knowing that she had also been invited. So when I turned my head to see who was coming I almost froze when I saw her face. I avoided and she ignored me as usual. I had forgotten who she was. She had become a stranger me. She was just somebody that I used to know. It felt strange. Sad in a way.
So after the movies the brothers decided to go eat, and I went with them after she and another sister said that they were going home. One again, to my amazement, she showed up to the restaurant. I ate my food but spoke very little, anxious to go leave. And when it came time to go I said goodbye to everyone, her eyes met mine and we had a very long stare. It felt like she wanted to say something, I could see it in her eyes, but she remained silent.
When I get home I decide to go to sleep because I just didnt want to think about anything.
Then my phone vibrated. It was a text by a number I hadnt seen before. This is what is read, "Hi _____, I'm really sorry for everything that's happened and for how things have turned out between us. You have every right to be angry and I'm not expecting a reply but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I wish we could be friends again. I've missed you so much."
I knew exactly who it was. But my mind didnt want to accept it. I thought I was dreaming. I began to ask myself questions. How? Why? Am I angry? No I wasnt. Not anymore. You see, the thing about me is, is that no matter what a person does to me I can't me angry or mad at them forever. And I certainly wont shun someone like the Watchtower teaches. I just try to remember the good, ignore the bad, and carry on. And she hasnt been in this relgion as long as I have, it is a cult and I understand that she could be easily manipulated by it just like I was.
So after much thought, I simply responded, "It's okay."
Then she replied, "Thank you." I just sat there on my bed thinking about it. Remembering the past. I felt a small wave of pain building up inside after looking at the whole thing.
Then she texted me again, "Would it be okay if I called you?" I responded, "okay". Then she called. We talked. The entire night. About everything. And heres where it starts getting interesting.
We eventually started talking about our feelings for each other. She said that she would think about me constantly. She said she still had feelings for me. I told her that I didnt want to have a repeat of the past but being honest, I would find myself thinking about her as well. I said that there were lingering feelings for her too.
She spoke about how she is getting pressured to get baptized and how she still hates some of the things in the religion but that she "thinks its the truth" She asked me how I felt about the organization to which I stopped and thought about it. If I said that I still wanted to leave it all behind we would end it there. But then I thought, what if I tell her that I am okay with it instead, let her go through everything in the Org like I did, and then watch her wake up to the truth about the "truth" once I show her several things about the religion but not in a "this is a cult! Get out now!" kind of way but more in a "wow I didnt know about this, did you?" kind of way. Like If I'm just waking up. Planting seeds of doubt in her mind. I figured I had nothing to lose so I did the latter.
We have since been seeing each other everyday for a week so far and I tested the waters two days ago by telling her about how "a brother" had told me that the old Watchtower mags used to have a cross on the cover and that seemed strange to me. She didnt believe me and said she didnt know about that and we decided to google old watchtowers and "confirmed" it. When I saw her looking puzzled in my mind I said, "you havent seen anything yet."
Something happened today though, something that has changed things again. We went to a park and we were just walking along a lonely trail. We had a great time. We ended up on a small bridge just looking out at the beautiful scenery. Then, we just stared at each other again. And just like that, we kissed. It was unexpected and so amazing to say the least. I couldnt believe what was happening. It was something we had never done in the past together. She then asked me, "Did you feel anything?" And I said, "yes, I did" then she replied, "me too." We held each other for a long time then walked back and kept talking and laughing.
Before we left we kissed again, this time longer than the first. Then she looked deep into my eyes and said those three famous words that I thought I'd never hear a girl say to me, "I love you." I just stared back at her and responded, "I love you too." We held each other again and then I left.
Now I had told myself I wouldnt get involved with any girl while inside, but she isnt any girl. I truly believe that I can wake her up to the real "Truth". I have decided to pretend that I am still trying to believe while at the same time pretending like I'm finding out that its all a lie and a cult but this time, being with her while it happens to make it look like I am discovering things for the first time. Have any of you tried this before? Did it work? What do you think I should do? What advice do you have? How hard is this to wake someone up completely? What are my chances of that happeninng and being successful? I want to wake her up slowly, unlike last time. I want her to see things and discover things for herself. She is very smart, and I know she can wake up from this.
In the end, I'm going to leave regardless of wether she comes or not. My mind is set on that! If thats the case, I'll have to end it and I know that will probably hurt me more than her but this time I want to at least try. I'm doing this because I want to free someone while I am still in and also because I honestly love her. I know that theres a chance it might not work but I want to be positive for once.
So again thank you for reading I know it was a lot. Now please give me your thoughts, opinions, ideas, experiences, pros, cons. I'm going to need them all!
OneDayillBeFree