Tough Question for ExElders...

by Xena 34 Replies latest jw friends

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  Xena

  With a friend suddenly confronted with the prospect of being disfellowshiped recently it got me wondering about how an elder feels the first time he disfellowships someone.

  The first time you disfellowshiped someone was there regret? sadness? or a sense of justice?

  Did you have doubts as to your qualifications to be making this decision?

  Were you nervous, was there any doubt in your mind at all that this was the right decision?

  When it was over did you feel like God's Spirit had helped in the decision making?

  I would like to know how you felt THEN..not how you feel about it now...

  Xena having deep thoughts from a shallow mind...
• 

  Xena

  To tough huh guys????
• 

  refiners fire

  I would imagine there is a degree of personal guilt, regret, as any decent person would have.
  But I am certain that the Elders feeling righteously justified overrode any personal foibles.
  Then again, I was never an elder.
• 

  Thirdson

  I'll try an answer from my limited experience.

  The only JC hearing I sat in (as a fourth elder, the newbie) concerned a brother who left his wife and three kids and moved in with a younger woman. He agreed to attend the JC after the PO had contacted him at his work place. When questioned by the PO he confirmed the facts, stated he had no intention of reconciling with his wife and plainly said to all, "you've go to do what you've got to do."

  It lasted 5 minutes and he was disfellowshipped (I didn't sign the forms but I agreed with the decision.)

  Regret?, sadness? or a sense of justice? I was a real believer at that time but beginning to get my eyes opened. I was deeply sad that it came to DF'ing. I was sad that a man could walk out on his family like that. Was there justice? No. What was achieved? The elders didn't help.

  Did you have doubts as to your qualifications to be making this decision?

  I had lots of doubts but the decision was almost forced. The lack of qualifications was really in helping someone going through the pain of a separation. I was at a loss at what to say to the man's wife. I didn't believe that DF'ing someone was going to "shock" them to their senses.

  Were you nervous, was there any doubt in your mind at all that this was the right decision?

  At the time I didn't doubt it was right decision.

  When it was over did you feel like God's Spirit had helped in the decision making?

  No. The experience left me with more doubts about the whole process. The "brother" in this case had been through the JC process on more than one occasion previously and I felt some elders were glad to see the back of him. I had known the man since I was a kid but had only recently been back in the same congregation as him. It was difficult to face him in the JC setting.

  Now, I regret ever being an elder. I didn't last long. After three years I disagreed with the elder body over another judical matter (lack of action) and resigned. I am glad I didn't get involved in any other JCs it could have been worse.

  A couple of years later my wife left me to find someone else. The sort of mid-life crisis she went through reminded me of the DF'ing case I was involved with. I had stopped attending meetings by this time and I certainly was not going to blab to the elders about her.
  She received some counseling from a psychologist. It didn't help our marriage but it helped her. At least she got some professional help, the very thing elders couldn't provide.

  Thirdson
• 

  ozziepost

  Dear Xena,

  I think you know the answers! But in case you are a little unsure, I would say that the answer to each of your questions is Yes! except for the last one where the answer is No!

  It naturally follows that if you have doubts about the decision, then you must also doubt that the Holy Spirit had anything to do with it.

  A certain Branch Overseer scoffed when I put it to him that H.S. was involved in decisions. He said as far as his branch was concerned (one of the larger branches) it was all down to who did what at the time i.e. as in a typical business corporation

  Cheers,
  Ozzie

  "If our hopes for peace are placed in the hands of imperfect people, they are bound to evaporate."

  
  - Ron Hutchcraft Surviving the Storms of Stress
• 

  LittleToe

  I successfully avoided putting myself in that position.
  Fortunately there is a discussion by the whole BOE about whether or not to go Judicial, before the committee is formed. You can often tell the tenor of the JC before it is even formed.
  Even before I left the JW's I objected to the whole process and the measures of censure employed.
  One of the few pleasures I can take away is that I don't have the regret of having been on a Disfellowshipping committee.

  I contemplated it long and hard, and would agree with Ozzie.

  In all honesty, though, what does it matter what the elder's will feel when they DF your friend? There is little comfort in knowing that your life has been smashed to smitherines by someone who is "really broken up about it".
• 

  Frenchy

  ***The first time you disfellowshiped someone was there regret? sadness? or a sense of justice?

  I felt that justice had been served. There was no sadness

  *** Did you have doubts as to your qualifications to be making this decision?

  Yes.

  *** Were you nervous, was there any doubt in your mind at all that this was the right decision?

  I was nervous. The wrongdoing was clearly established. At that time I was thoroughly convinced that df’ing was scriptural and proper.

  *** When it was over did you feel like God's Spirit had helped in the decision making?

  Yes.

  *** I would like to know how you felt THEN..not how you feel about it now...

  I felt part of a process in which I believed. You asked about the FIRST and to the best of my recollection this is how it was. However, later on there were times when I felt great sadness over having to sit as judge over people that I knew and loved. I felt extremely uneasy hearing some very personal and intimate things that were embarrassing for all the parties there. I felt it was my duty and I performed it. There were times later on when I doubted the decision was the right one. There came a time when I realized that God’s Spirit had nothing to do with the decisions being reached.

  The last df’ing of which I was a part had to do with a man who was guilty of some very vile conduct. At that time my doubts were surfacing and I could no longer ignore them. The df’ing was not an issue with me at the time, however. I was still serving as an elder and it was my responsibility to sit in on the committee. Although I have stated here several times that I do not believe in df’ing as it presently exists in the organization, IF…IF I did believe in it…this guy would certainly be a candidate for it.
• 

  Alleymom

  Frenchy and LittleToe,

  In all honesty, though, what does it matter what the elder's will feel when they DF your friend? There is little comfort in knowing that your life has been smashed to smitherines by someone who is "really broken up about it".

  
  An exJW named Michael Manning has his story at:
  http://www.angelfire.com/pa/ExJW/

  He was DF'd for smoking two cigarettes a day, and one of the elders who sat on his committee walked out to his car with him and they were both crying.

  Marjorie
• 

  Seeker

  Unable to answer your questions as, I'm relieved to be able to say, I never once voted to DF someone. And once talked the other two elders out of it.
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  Sam Beli

  I would answer your questions much like Ozzie did.

  I recall only one DFing that I was a part of and I had some regret at the time; much more regret later. Even later still I called the man (still DF'd) and expressed my regret and gave him my apology. He graciously accepted it and proved to me that all along he was smarter and "larger" than all of us on that BOE at the time. His 'sin" was a disagreement with the WTS over the 1975 issue. He knew the "Society" was full of BS.