New here...need some support

by Freeof1914 47 Replies latest jw friends

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  outsmartthesystem

  Welcome

  Take a look at some of my posts. I too am in your position only......I have kids too. If there is anything you should learn.....do NOT discuss doctrine with your wife. Against sound advice from members on this board I tried that. My wife begged to know what I was thinking and why. She begged for me to provide her with "proof" that the Watchtower was wrong because as a lover of truth.....she wants to know. Well....after discussing 607 BC in great detail and providing proof after proof....all she could say in return is "I dont' see it that way".

  The point being......facts get outweighed by a desire to believe what you want to believe. The only chance you have of saving her is to plant seeds that cause her to do her own research and discover for herself the many problems that exist with past and present teachings of JWs.

  Take your time
• 

  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  "Sorry for the long post."

  pffft. Your posts aren't long. Remember that we used to be JWs that sat through years of hours of "blah, blah, blah" at the KH. Go ahead and make your post 100 times as long and you still won't need to apologize.

  Sinedie... WELCOME TO YOU, TOO!
• 

  flipper

  FREE of 1914- Welcome to the board ! Nice to have you here. Glad you're with us. It's a challenging road ahead of you to be sure ; but you've received great advice to take it carefully and methodically. Look forward to hearing more from you. Hang in there, tqke care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  aquagirl

  Free,Welcome! You have come to a good place.Good folks here and we can all relate to eachothers situations in a ot of ways.Glad you are here,and hope that you find comfort here too!
• 

  maksym

  Welcome to the forum, Free.

  I guess the best thing I can say to you is to love your wife more than ever. Love conquers all things. If your moving away from the cult mentality shows you can change for the positive and love her more than when you were "in" mentally or otherwise, then that would be a fine example of how people outside of their mind control program can be good and loving people without the JW mentality and control. This will confuse her and perhaps make her question why you have improved as a husband since you are exiting the cult. She would see the positive changes.

  Also you may want to put forth efforts to pray more and perhaps, not in a showmanship kind of way, but in front of her, to only show that you still love God and believe in Him if, you still do. This will show her you are not leaving God and Christ just because you are leaving the Corporation.

  Pray before meals for example and pray for them out loud. Be a good provider spiritualy despite your moving out of the mentality of the Watchtower.

  There is nothing more powerful in influencing someone than showing them love and praying for them. Showing that you are doing fine spiritually outside the Watchtower and being a better person for your family is a great example of proving their is success outside the cult.

  This approach that I used won two people of my family outside of the Watchtower and into Christianity, and all without a word of argument. As they say, 'actions speak louder than words'.

  To keep the peace show that you support her for her decisions to continue in the WT but do not encourage it. Use yourself as a guide for her to follow to become a better spouse and spiritual person rather than a someone that is drifting into unknown territory without direction. However this take a developing a new spiritual journey and a post cult personality. This will be your strongest asset in the long run.

  A good example I have experienced is when I was invited to go to a JW gathering barbeque. I didn't want to go but I did it for family. I then would invite people over from my church so that my JW family could be exposed to them.

  However when we leave JW corporation we need to develop a new personality and worldview that takes time. Getting Steve Hassan's books as mentioned by other posters above will start this process. I would suggest to read those books.

  Peace

  Maksym
• 

  Fernando

  Welcome Freeof1914!

  Best wishes on life's journey and congratulations for boldly rejecting the inane doctrines of men and being true to your mind, heart and conscience.
• 

  Quandry

  Welcome. You asked about happiness now. Well......I was "in" for over thirty years. My husband and I were baptised in Dec. of 1973, scared to make it just in time for the big A which was to come in 1975! My parents hated the Witnesses, and we had a strained relationship.

  Finally, my daughter was df'd at 16 for some silly teen stuff(such as take a few puffs off a cigarette, etc., but falsely accused of fornication) , treated HORRIBLY...

  My husband and I were devastated and tried to stay in. We wrote the Society just knowing that our injustice would be straightened out. Ha! We got the most wishy washy letter back....were told by an elder, "Even though mistakes were made, you must accept what happened, because God has allowed it."

  At any rate, fast forward...we left-had had enough-but now we had no friends, my dad was dead, and my mother was ill and had dementia. After lots of depression, I decided to go back to school...now at sixty, I will graduate next December. Happy? Well, happier. It is as if I was in some sort of time warp for the thirty plus years. If only I could go back and do it over without the WTS.

  You are young, and you have an education. You have a bright future ahead. Things may get rough with your family. Please hold on to at least a little sense of humor-it will help in the long run. Try lots of different activities to find out who the true you is. Now you have some time to get hobbies the WTS said you shouldn't have because the end was sooooooo close.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Joining your thread kind of late, I want to add my thoughts. I left the JW's but my wife did not. We are great friends and lovers outside of the religion. Even though her remaining a JW is a burden, I am happy with her. A few deal-breakers would be her reporting me to the elders to result in my DF or her not being able to accept me for the non-JW that I am.

  Since you have so many JW relatives, you don't want to act rash. But I gotta say that if your wife cannot accept who you are, you might want to consider a divorce. You say she won't leave you. Are the two of you happy with things? If she left the JW's would you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Only you can figure out at what level of happiness your marriage brings you and what you would like to do about it.

  While it wouldn't be my choice in my situation, some have ripped that bandage off and taken their moment of pain to start living the life they hoped they could have. Others have stayed with their spouse to hope for something better to happen. I, personally, decided that I am happy with my wife and I view our former religion as a disease that I have been cured of, but my wife has not (yet). I married her for better or worse, and as long as she is not the direct source of my unhappiness about JW's, I won't hold it against her that the cure hasn't worked on her. If she were to become a source of misery about my inactive status, then the story would change.