the cult is slowly taking my family apart

by Evidently Apostate 16 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Evidently Apostate

  its been 3 years since i made my decision to fade and i am starting to think our marriage might not survive. my wife is under pressure from her parents to push away from me. the anniversay card they gave her(not me) was nothing more than jw propaganda, parts were actually highlighted. i never bring up the religion and avoid the negative thoughts i have about it but we have 20 years together and when she pushes me for a reason why or trys to bait me into a debate i simply tell her the truth.and once you learn the history, the deception, and the attempts to cover the mistakes the only thing i can think to say is "it is simply a man run organization, a lie". i have tried avoiding the questions but she takes my silence and runs with it, there is no avoiding it sometimes, although i usually tell her how much i love her and our children and how i am here for her.

  I know some might think i am being confrontational but i do not want that. i had hoped that we could just live together as a family and enjoy our children and the time we have , i have taken her on more trips, romantic weekend getaways, and walks in the country than i ever did when i believed. it is painfull to realize that now that i have a true understanding of my mortality and finally have stopped taking my relationship for granted i fear losing her. no matter what i try the religion is always there like the elephant in the room it is unavoidable.

  but i think the most painful thing in my life right now is when she looks at me with that look, a look almost like as if i cheated on her and to know i cant take the pain away. i feel every time we talk about my feelings which is a topic i never initiate a little of our marriage dies. she says i have been brainwashed with the things i have researched on the web, it is a stabbing irony and sometimes i feel a hate for god for allowing a false hope to slowly erode the love i have given half my life to.

  EA
• 

  N.drew

  It's so sad. It appears that witness families are experiencing more trouble than ever before.

  You know it's not God's fault. Let's try to imagine how God feels by their taking his Name to advantage.

  She says your "brainwashed' but she is the one who is not open to any other idea than what the GB says.

  "Blind" to me means having knowledge but not recognizing it as such. They accuse people of doing exactly what they are doing. I feel your fustration. You are not alone.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  That is a sad story. I have always wanted my JW wife to ask the questions your wife is asking. But the idea that her ability to question me would cause a widening of the gap has not seriously occured to me. Oh sure, I realize that if I were to answer her the same way I answer co-workers or non-JW family, I would indeed push her away. I tell others about it being a dangerous mind-control cult and explain things in the most radical way so they get the idea, but I don't do that with the wife.

  But my wife doesn't ask those questions. She even turns off and stops a conversation if I cross the lines that her brain isn't ready for.

  The only positive suggestion I can think of is to go to marriage therapy so she can learn how you are trying to be kind but your character insists on being honest. She may learn that she either must not ask the questions or she should accept that your answers are valid for you and that you should not be punished for simply providing such answers.

  Many JW's won't go to marriage therapy. Tell her stuff like you said in your posts here, how you had hoped you could just live together as a family and enjoy your children and the time you have . Tell her stuff like I said in the paragraph above or that others have said. Tell her how you will not give up without a fight.
• 

  Black Sheep

  Sorry to hear that.

  trys to bait me into a debate i simply tell her the truth

  Use the bait very carefully. She is fishing for something to hang you on. I know. I had one of those, but she doesn't go fishing any more.

  Don't 'simply tell her the truth', she is not listening unless you make a mistake that she can trash you for.

  You have to ask the questions.

  You have to keep her honest.

  You need her to tell you she is a cult member, you can't do that for her.

  You have to make her feel guilty for every trick she uses that you have heard her, or the WT, trash other religions for using. Quote her own words when you can.

  She has to answer your questions as honestly, truthfully, calmly as she would if she is talking to her Bible Study, HH, minister of Christendom, scientist, archaeologist, historian, school kid or the Pope. Ask her questions to get her to admit that.

  Ask her questions that get her to close off all of her escape routes before you ask a question to make your point. Get her to tell you what she needs reminding of.

  Make her do the talking.

  Give her the article you want to quote and get her to read it to you.

  Encourage her to talk her way into a hole, then guilt her for every trick she tries to use to weasel her way out of it.

  Every time she answers ........ take a moment to ask yourself if she actually answered the question you asked. If she didn't, ignore it or accuse her of it, act offended, then restate your question without rephrasing it.

  Act offended every time she tries to trick you.

  They are the teachers. Make them teach, You shut up except to direct the conversation where you want it to go.

  Be the calm one at all times.

  Good luck

  Chris
• 

  flipper

  EVIDENTLY APOSTATE- I feel for you my friend. Although I'm not in your same situation with a JW wife ( my wife never was a JW ) - I can only imagine how painful this is. I see this JW cult taking my family apart as well with my two adult daughters 24 and 23 who won't talk to me or contact me. I see my 36 yr.old niece who just moved here near us and my older sister, her JW mom, hasn't talked to her for over 10 years because she went to college and got a law degree !

  It is criminal how the WT society is controlling our loved ones. Hang in there my friend. Just remember we are here for you if you ever want to talk, O.K. ? Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  truth_b_known

  Tell your wife:

  1) You love her

  2) You will support her

  Explain that supporting her means that you will not interfere with her wishes to be a practicing Jehovah's Witness. In fact, you'll do just the opposite. If she needs assistance getting to the meetings, out in field service, Circuit Assemblies or Conventions you will provide it. Let her know that you will never belittle her or her beliefs.

  The evil empire quotes scripture in telling Witnesses who have "unbelieving" mates to stick with their spouse so that they might be "won over" through their conduct. With that, remember this; almost everything in life is like an algebraic expression. Whatever is done to one side of the equal sign must be done to the other side. In other word, you might be able to win her over with out a word.
• 

  Evidently Apostate

  black sheep i have been shunned but not labeled an apostate yet and it would be very painful for my wife if that happened she is not trying to hang me on anything. she keeps most of it in and then reaches a point where she has to vent. i understand her feelings and would hold no anger even if she did talk to elders, it would expidite my freedom.

  otwo i have suggested therapy and she is hesitant but i plan to ask again. no matter how many times i tell her i love her and assure her i am here for us i can always detect the sadness i have caused .

  flipper sorry about your daughters, it scares me to think my wife is raising my children as jw's and that they might turn on me someday. idont no if i could handle that.

  truth i love and support her not the cult she belongs to. i cant let my children see me encouraging her to go to the hall. i am trying to minimize the importance of the hall. i have never prevented her from her worship or belittled her beliefs but i just cant bring myself to advocate the religion anymore.
• 

  ABibleStudent

  Hi Evidently Apostate. Everyone has given you great advice. Have you tried telling your wife how much you love her, then asking your wife how important her marriage vows are to her, and then asking her to go to therapy with you to make your marriage even stronger? Even if your wife does not want to go to therapy, you should go so that you and the therapist can develop a plan to include your wife. I don't know if this will help but according to the PEW report (http://religions.pewforum.org/pdf/table-status-by-tradition.pdf), JW marriages are more likely to end in divorce than Catholic, Jewish, and Hindu marriages.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  flipper

  BTTT, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  aquagirl

  Evidently,There are so many families that have been destroyed by this horrible cult.With me,it was my parents and siblings.My thoughts are with you,be strong to what is in your head.You have to live your life in the way YOU feel it should be lived,not someone else.You dont get a second chance.In the long run,its you who has to be happy and secure in the way you are spending this life.This forum is a great place to com eand hang out.We all care about you.