I know I'm not alone, but damn do I feel lonely now...

by OneDayillBeFree 21 Replies latest jw experiences

  • OneDayillBeFree

    I have been meaning to post my experience at the pioneer school and I will as soon as time permits but theres something that has happened recently in my life that has impacted me in such a horrible way that I just have to get off my chest.

    As you may know Ive been trying to fade. Its very hard. Hard as hell. When everyone you've ever known is a JW.

    A little over a year ago I woke up to the truth about "the truth" and was looking, searching for a friend young or old, anyone to confide in, (This was before finding you guys).

    So early December of last year I met a girl better now left unnamed who was an unbaptized pub. An awesome person who hated the religion for other reasons than mine but who loved talking to me about the lies and false believes about the WTBTS. I liked her, she liked me. Each day we seemed to grow closer. We never dated officailly because it would only interfere with my plans of fading. And sad to say it just wouldnt work in the org, her being an unbaptized pub and me being the "all-star regular pioneer".

    One day I told her my plans of fading. She said she would be there for me even if no one else would and that she would join me as soon as she could too even though she was not a JW. I believed her. The future looked great.

    Time slowly passed. Then she went on vacation to NY for 2 weeks. Said her mother was taking her to visit Bethel and other family. We talked almost every other night. Then she came back. We met at a coffee shop. She was sitting at a table on the far left side of the shop, with a cup of coffee in her hand and a contempt yet preocupied stare on her face. I noticed this but shrugged it off and paid no attention to it. I entered and we hugged. Her body was warm but her hands were cold, it sent a slight chill down my spine.

    We talked for a bit. She was being pretty short with me. I noticed I was talking more than she was. Something didn't seem right. I asked her if everything was okay and she said quietly looked at me and she said "almost everything". I asked, "what do you mean?" "I have something I have to tell you", she said as she placed the coffee cup down on the table. "What is it, is something wrong? Did someone do something to you while you were gone?" I asked as my heart rate rose slightly.

    "I can't speak to you anymore." She said with a firmness that I had only heard a brother tell my best friend when he told him he was getting disfellowshipped.

    "Why" I asked elevating my voice enough for a man across from me to turn his head away from his laptop.

    "I'm getting baptized in december" she replied. "This is the truth and I need to be a part of it" "If you dont fix things up with Jehovah and go back to him, then you will die at armageddon, and I dont want you to die. The end is so close and I didnt realize how I was walking on the wrong path. If you dont come back then you will be alone. Look around you, who else will love you and care for you more than your brothers and sisters in the hall? If you come back then we can be together and serve Jehovah in his organization. Its the only way."

    My heart stopped. Like literally. I couldnt believe it. I thought she was joking.

    But she wasn't. "You cant be serious" i replied. "What about all the things we talked about all the things you yourself didn't believe in and all the lies this organization has fed your mother? What about the fading?" I said. "No, this is not a joke. I am serious. And since I see you dont want to change then so be it. If you want to live in Satans world then go ahead, throw away your everlasting life and everyone who loves you." I will not tell the elders your plans about fading because I still believe in you. I know you will make the right decision in the end and make Jehovah proud. But for now I must go. It was fun _____, it really was, see you at the meeting. Goodbye"

    And with that, she left. I was completly frozen. My body was stiff. It was like an old computer trying to run a new program. I couldnt compute. The only person I had ever actually trusted was now joining the very thing that I was trying to walk away from. I ran out the door after her and literally chased her while she drove away. I felt like a little child who had let go of his helium filled balloon and was jumping and reaching for it to no avail.

    I called her so many times and got no answer. She has no VM and so it just ended the call. After much thought I decided to only text her these lyrics (some words changed) from a beautiful song we used to sing together in the past "You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm NOT the only one. I hope some day you'll join me, and the world as one." She never replied. Its been 2 weeks.

    But the words she spoke really hit me hard. So now I learned that not only can I not trust anyone in the borg. but now I cant trust anyone associated with it. And I hate to say it but its just fucking depressing.

    I'm glad I had a back up plan and so now I am faking it all over again. Pretending that I am doing great in "the truth" and that I love the meetings and the brothers but its all a lie. I will NOT keep this up for long. Its a sad time in my life. I yern for a day when I'll meet someone whom I can truly trust again.

    But for now all I can say is

    I know I'm not alone, but Damn do I feel lonely now...


  • jookbeard

    what a stunning unique story, sorry cant give you the benefit of having had a similar experience, but the usual cliches of "time being a healer " etc do give some comfort , eventually. The problem with your girl was the fatal "spiritual boost" she received when she came back from Crooklyn , my father enjoyed a similar trip many years ago there and came back with such zest and enthusiasm that it was almost contagious, he even flew over to the UK a Bethelite bro he stayed with. I personally hit real rock bottom a couple of years after my fade and still living with my Dub wife in a loveless marriage, 1 year later I had moved out, changed job and really turned my life around, all my immidiate close circle of friends were Dubs, but I slowley started to make new friends. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises

    I'm sorry for your experience.

    What Jook says is true - time will be a healer, but for now you have the pain to deal with. Allow yourself to grieve: for your friendship, for the loss of your friends, and for the religion you once thought was "the truth".

    You will find someone you can trust in. Not one, but there are plenty of people out there who can offer you unconditional friendship and love.

    Don't give up!!

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    You know how they ask if you still believe that it is Jehovah's organisation, then chuck you out on your ear if you say no.....

    Well, the opposite also holds true.

    If any person has been 'touched' by the Watchtower, they are damaged goods until such time as they fully understand that the WT was never selected as god's spokesperson. It makes no difference whether they are a Bethel heavy or an unbaptised, born in, drug dealing, tattooed, bikers mole. If they even think that there is a small chance it is true, a trigger might have them running for the shelter of the cult.

    If you are going to talk to a JW, that is the doctrine they should be explaining to you (not you to them).

    If you have discussed this thoroughly with her there might be a chance she will find her way out relatively quickly. If not, if she ever does give you the opportunity to talk religion, you should ask her to explain all of the elements of the doctrine, including selection in 1919, but you must find a way to ask your questions without scaring her off. She will have been reading last Sunday's WT. Use it to learn how not to trigger a JWs Apostalarm™.

    Practice on someone else.

    Meanwhile, try to get out and about and make some non-Dub aquaintances. Join clubs, groups, volunteer, anything to spread your wings. I picked up rubbish with a greenie group today and got two invites and a hundred insect bites for my efforts.



  • looloo

    my heart goes out to you , but dont loose heart , i was once a study that fell for a pioneer doing wonderfully well in the truth (i was also unhappily married !) we fell in love and he ended up getting disfellowshipped . we spent a year together but guilt and depression and fear of armageddon took me back there and i had a similar conversation with my pioneer and he returned also and sat at the back , i remember being told off for checking if he had arrived ! he eventually gave up on me and joined the "world " and made new friends i was heartbroken and eventually left "the truth" after i realised how cult like it was . to cut a very long story short we got married in 2004 and have a little girl and have left the town we used to live in , his family dont visit and it all seems like a bad dream now , we have new normal friends who dont hold us to ransom with "do this or you will never see us again !" plese see your life now as a tempory situation and whether you end up with that girl or another worldy girl you can have a normal life one day i promise , all the best x

  • mindseye

    OneDay, that is a tough story. Dealing with the regular JW stuff on top of heartbreak is a killer! I remember growing up and falling for several cuties in the hall. It never worked out, I think they could always sense that I was on my way out. In retrospect I'm so glad it didn't pan out with a witness girl, it allowed me to meet my wonderfully sweet girlfriend in college.

    Telling you that time cures all might seem a bit cliched and not very encouraging right now. But it's true, every heartbreak and depression I've experienced, even the death of a parent, has been healed by time. This girl sounds like she was going through the motions, but never really was ready to make the break. Whether or not she can make the break is not for me to judge, but if she can't then you're better off moving on. I'm with Black Sheep, get out and socialize in another environment. I'm not sure of your age, but if you're old enough to go to college and have the opportunity to do so, then I encourage you to. That can be a game changer. Best wishes

  • JRK


    Sorry about being blindsided like that. I know it feels like a kick in the taco.

    I suggest that you try to develop a network of friends on the outside of the congregation. Go to meetups and apostafests, and make some of your virtual friends here real and tangible friends in real life. Get phone numbers and talk to others in the same situation.


  • Ding

    So sorry to hear your story.

    The fact that she was a publisher despite all her criticism of the org came across as a big red flag to me.

    Sounds like she was impressed by the buildings and show in Brooklyn and is suppressing everything she knows that is negative about the organization.

    At this point, trying to show her negative things about the borg would be counterproductive.

    Likely, she would just see it as Satan trying to keep her out of the truth.

    If you still have contact with her, I would suggest playing it cool and casually mentioning things she likes to do that aren't borg related -- sports, travel, gardening, whatever it may be that isn't a part of the JW persona.

    The goal of that would be to remind her of who she really is without all the WT programming.

    Of course, if she shuns you, that won't be possible; you can't control that.

    As tough as this is for you, it's better than having married her and then having her turn superdub on you...

  • Sobeit

    Take some advice from an old women, be thankful she revealed herself before you got married. Don’t chase after her because

    you don’t need someone like her in your life. If you haven't attended college or a trade school, do so now. Attend sporting events

    catch the fever of a winning team. Try new cultural events. Campaign for someone if and when you discover you agree with their


  • Greybeard

    I know how this kind of heart ache can tear a young person apart. Most of us have been there. I sure have a few times in my life... Even though the pain might seam to be endless, trust us, it does go away. The sooner you pick yourself up and meet new friends, another girl friend, the sooner you will feel better. I had a young friend that decided on a permanent solution to his temporary problem. He made a very bad choice. Just remember ALL of this is only temporary and in time, YOU WILL get over it. All my family are Jdubs but I have made new friends and some who were dubs. This girl wont forget the things she knows and she still might come out but take this as a warning... She's not thinking straight. I think she did you a favor. Life is like a roller coaster with ups and downs and scary sections. The more you ride it the less fear you have and in time you really learn to enjoy the ride.

    Hold your head up high!

    Best wishes for you!


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