I have been meaning to post my experience at the pioneer school and I will as soon as time permits but theres something that has happened recently in my life that has impacted me in such a horrible way that I just have to get off my chest.
As you may know Ive been trying to fade. Its very hard. Hard as hell. When everyone you've ever known is a JW.
A little over a year ago I woke up to the truth about "the truth" and was looking, searching for a friend young or old, anyone to confide in, (This was before finding you guys).
So early December of last year I met a girl better now left unnamed who was an unbaptized pub. An awesome person who hated the religion for other reasons than mine but who loved talking to me about the lies and false believes about the WTBTS. I liked her, she liked me. Each day we seemed to grow closer. We never dated officailly because it would only interfere with my plans of fading. And sad to say it just wouldnt work in the org, her being an unbaptized pub and me being the "all-star regular pioneer".
One day I told her my plans of fading. She said she would be there for me even if no one else would and that she would join me as soon as she could too even though she was not a JW. I believed her. The future looked great.
Time slowly passed. Then she went on vacation to NY for 2 weeks. Said her mother was taking her to visit Bethel and other family. We talked almost every other night. Then she came back. We met at a coffee shop. She was sitting at a table on the far left side of the shop, with a cup of coffee in her hand and a contempt yet preocupied stare on her face. I noticed this but shrugged it off and paid no attention to it. I entered and we hugged. Her body was warm but her hands were cold, it sent a slight chill down my spine.
We talked for a bit. She was being pretty short with me. I noticed I was talking more than she was. Something didn't seem right. I asked her if everything was okay and she said quietly looked at me and she said "almost everything". I asked, "what do you mean?" "I have something I have to tell you", she said as she placed the coffee cup down on the table. "What is it, is something wrong? Did someone do something to you while you were gone?" I asked as my heart rate rose slightly.
"I can't speak to you anymore." She said with a firmness that I had only heard a brother tell my best friend when he told him he was getting disfellowshipped.
"Why" I asked elevating my voice enough for a man across from me to turn his head away from his laptop.
"I'm getting baptized in december" she replied. "This is the truth and I need to be a part of it" "If you dont fix things up with Jehovah and go back to him, then you will die at armageddon, and I dont want you to die. The end is so close and I didnt realize how I was walking on the wrong path. If you dont come back then you will be alone. Look around you, who else will love you and care for you more than your brothers and sisters in the hall? If you come back then we can be together and serve Jehovah in his organization. Its the only way."
My heart stopped. Like literally. I couldnt believe it. I thought she was joking.
But she wasn't. "You cant be serious" i replied. "What about all the things we talked about all the things you yourself didn't believe in and all the lies this organization has fed your mother? What about the fading?" I said. "No, this is not a joke. I am serious. And since I see you dont want to change then so be it. If you want to live in Satans world then go ahead, throw away your everlasting life and everyone who loves you." I will not tell the elders your plans about fading because I still believe in you. I know you will make the right decision in the end and make Jehovah proud. But for now I must go. It was fun _____, it really was, see you at the meeting. Goodbye"
And with that, she left. I was completly frozen. My body was stiff. It was like an old computer trying to run a new program. I couldnt compute. The only person I had ever actually trusted was now joining the very thing that I was trying to walk away from. I ran out the door after her and literally chased her while she drove away. I felt like a little child who had let go of his helium filled balloon and was jumping and reaching for it to no avail.
I called her so many times and got no answer. She has no VM and so it just ended the call. After much thought I decided to only text her these lyrics (some words changed) from a beautiful song we used to sing together in the past "You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm NOT the only one. I hope some day you'll join me, and the world as one." She never replied. Its been 2 weeks.
But the words she spoke really hit me hard. So now I learned that not only can I not trust anyone in the borg. but now I cant trust anyone associated with it. And I hate to say it but its just fucking depressing.
I'm glad I had a back up plan and so now I am faking it all over again. Pretending that I am doing great in "the truth" and that I love the meetings and the brothers but its all a lie. I will NOT keep this up for long. Its a sad time in my life. I yern for a day when I'll meet someone whom I can truly trust again.
But for now all I can say is
I know I'm not alone, but Damn do I feel lonely now...