After many years of visiting this site off and on since its inception I would finally like to throw in my two cents and opinions into the mix.
First of all, I am a born in, baptized at the tender age of 9. Although i totally disagree with allowing someone at that age to get baptized, I will say that i was very imformed and I knew my dogma! At the same time, though, I was aware of many inconsistancies with many of the beliefs and practices of the JW faith. I was adopted by my grandparents since i was 2 months and they had been JWs since 1950s. So, I had all the old bound volumes and, since I loved to read from an early age, I was fascinated with reading many of the old literature and how different it was back then. I had always been one to question and this never pleased my family, neither was the fact that since that age I would point out things that I didnt agree with. I always had doubts, about god, the org, unicorns...
Nevertheless, I managed to keep them in check, hidden from the everyone. Ocasionally a sarcastic remark or an off color joke would emerge but nothing serious enough to ruffle feathers. I managed to become a MS about 2 months after i turned 18. I was always admired for my speaking abilities and that I was very aproachable and easy to talk to. I was very aware of the BS that was being fed to the sheeple but for my fam, my freinds, and my wife i drank the kool aid right with them.
Then something happened. Remember( forgive me for using a star wars reference but it does apply) when Anakin was allowed to be in the Jedi council but not allowed to be a Master. Well, a deaf group was started in my hall. I was one of the ones spearheading it. I learned sign and took the lead in helping others learn and, subsequently, helping deaf ones enter the religion. This allowed me to be in the elder loop without being an elder. They always told me i was so close to being an elder but i asked too many questions and was too freindly and couldnt handle hard times...whatever the hell that ment! It is there where doctrinal bullshit and congregational bullshit collided. All the doubts about the Org being the "one" were being manifested before my eyes. My wife and I were, at the same time, going through what eventually became a divorce. My entire system of beliefs and life were crumbling down. Without going into details my divorce was a shocker! We were the model witness couple...everywhere else but home. The elders only cared about my stepping down and the effect it was going to have on the deaf group. As for my ex and I...it was a case of two people who shouldnt have gotten married. Of course, i managed to voice just enough of my doubts to get slandered from here to who knows where. Couple that with everyone being shocked that i divorced without scriptural grounds. So, lets just say there was a mighty witch hunt for my imaginary lover and my apostate pamplets.
This was all a year ago. I tried, after all the dust settled from my divorce, to go back. I eventual met someone and told the elders about it, to which my surprise, i only got PR. I guess subconsciously i was hoping for a df to make my fading complete. I went for the announcement and never looked back or, should I say, went back.
I dont think i have to say why i feel the way i feel. It is pretty evident from the comments and replies on why we all left,want to leave or simply go through the motions. For those that are just going through the motions, I do not blame you. It is kind of like a job youre miserable in : Do enough to not get fired because why go above and beyond if there is nothing in it for you. But one day you WILL come to that crossroads. Its not a matter of if, its when.
I am extremely angry though and i cant wait till I can let it go.
Why did they allow my childhood to be taken away? Why did they not encourage my academic potential? Why do they punish those who are truly loving and accept others for who they are? Why cant they just say WE DONT KNOW and move on? Why cant they allow me to leave without paying the price which is my family and freinds?
I have made the mistake of voicing to a few my feelings which are never met with love and understanding. That shield that everyone speaks of always pops on. I wish they can see that i dont care what they believe and that these are my feelings. They ask "whats the matter? :(", I tell them and its an automatic "YOURE THE DEVIL!! DISEASED!! YOU JUST WANT TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!"...What happened to the :( attitude?? Where's the caring, campassion and empathy after all that Ive been through?? These are the same ones that would come to me when they were messing up or not attending and I was caring with them and never was judgmental. They all answer the same "Not going and sinning is different from what youre feeling??" What kind of hypocrisy is that??
Anyway, Im sorry for rambling. I know that here i will not get judged. I hope to get to know some of you and look forward to imputting some ideas and opinions into this forum :)