Caught Crying

by discreetslave 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • punkofnice

    Bless you ol'cotton socks. Thanks for sharing this DS it's a very emotional state of affairs. You are to be applauded for your honesty.

    He can't understand why apostates insist on dwelling on JW's and their faults.

    Well. My take on this is that it's the watchtower that won't leave we so called 'apostates' alone. We just want to live our life.....but oh, no! There are talks aginst us calling us names at the A$$€m ? £¥. Litter-trash with articles about the dangers of 'mentally diseased' 'apostates'. Family and those we thought were friends shunning us or at least treating us as underdogs.

    All I want to do now is help others escape from the hell of the WTB$. This is my new ministry (not that I feel I need one, just sayin').

    Keep resolute my little star. Show him that there is life outside the 'us vs: them' mentality. At least he was shocked that you felt he might shun you or whatever.....that's a positive! Give him a big hug!

  • sizemik

    I just want to add my voice of support discreetslave . . .

    The hardest part is when the wounds are fresh . . . and the uncertainty of not knowing how each move you make will be received. Don't worry about things that may never happen . . . it's wasted worry.

    I remember the feeling of wanting to do all I could to help counter the destructive effects of WTS . . . but it's a big and evergrowing team we're part of . . . we don't need to immerse ourselves beyond what our circumstances will allow . . . give attention to the matters at hand regarding yourself first. Support is a two way street. Your honesty, as Unky Punky says . . . is a great virtue that is alive and well . . . it will keep you safe and blameless.

  • Lozhasleft

    I can identify very strongly with your mix of feelings and emotions...I remember going through the whole gamut. I found this forum about 18 months ago and I recall wanting to read everything on it and signing in day and night, as you say just like an addict. Its helped me enormously. The anger I felt towards the WTBS and its effect on my family and my subsequent loss of them was so great, and it took time for that to mellow into a realistic acceptance of the bad choices I'd made. I wanted to become so involved in opposing them, until I realised that I didnt want to give them anymore precious years of my life. I've resolved that the best I can do is encourage and support others who leave.

    Still now I have days missing my adult kids, when the grief is overwhelming, it reduces me to a frazzle. Times like that I'm glad to log in here. But life has to go on and we owe it to ourselves and those who love us now to give it our best shot. A similar path will open up for you as you move in your time through the grief process about your losses. Gradually it all will become more and more manageable for you to deal with.

    I'm happy for you that you have a loving husband who wants to maintain your relationship, and I'm sure with enough love it can be done. This forum offers the support and comfort you need to move on and although some are bitter about the WTBS the majority I find to be reasonable and caring with some wise words to pass on. My now husband is a confirmed atheist, I still have a strong relationship with my god although I dont practice any organised religion. When I found this site my hubby worried that I was hanging on the the JW life via this forum, he was concerned that it would draw me back in or prevent me from getting over the past by 'wallowing' in it, and discussing it all too much. Time proved him wrong, and nowadays he listens with interest to some of the topics I tell him about that I've read on here.

    Communication about all of this - your feelings, your grief, your anger, your fears - all of it - is so important for you and I hope you find a way to discuss it openly with your husband too.

    I wish you well on your journey and by the way I often find that the release of tears can help us.

    Loz x

  • discreetslave

    Thanks guys!!! I value your insights.

    I would be worried if I didn't cry over all this. Crying is cathartic & therapeutic. It's a part of the grieving & moving on process. The websites & forums are new to me like anything new, one obsesses a while then it finds it's place. I liken it to support meetings. I'm social.

    My life revolved around JW's. I was the one people came to to discuss their problems. Some people called me everyday. I'd hang up the phone in a while someone else was calling or someone showed up at my door. The friends in service stopped by regularly to have a drink, use the bathroom, talk, etc. My door was always open. I had a group of older ones I visited or called regularly. I'd take care of or tutor their kids, fixed their computers, helped them clean, help with hospitality, planned field trips, do their taxes, help with talks or demos, looked up stuff on the internet for them, helped plan vacations, and the list goes on. My leaving was not easy for me. I love being there for people. I'll admit my things suffered at times. And I'll admit it hurt when the depression overwhelmed me and no one noticed. I didn't do those things expecting anything in return but I could not help but notice when I needed someone no one was there for me. Yet when I'd bounce back I went on caring for everyone else that is my nature. I'd like to think the friends find themselves missing me now that I'm not around to do what I did for them. Though I plan on driving my daughter to make the rounds to the elderly ones so that they'll see me in the car & know I still care.

    I reminded my husband what my days were like. Now I'm dead to them. He said that was my choice it didn't have to be this way. I said it did there was no other way. I could not continue being a JW knowing what I did. There was no turning back. I considered staying in for a while but it's against my grain to lead a double life. Staying a JW was not an option especially after the shepherding calls. The ignorance & arrogance was maddening.

    So I feel forums and the websites are just a stepping stone. And I feel my decision regarding a career will involve something JW related. I've always felt I'd be a good psychologist and I've always wanted to write. I hope my experiences as a JW will be of benefit to someone in those pursuits. I believe in paying it forward. I'm looking ahead and planning on broadening my horizons. I've started researching colleges and financial aid. I'm looking to find ways to meet new people. I've reached out to my neighbors and people I've crossed paths with. Making friends has never been a problem for me.

    Most of all I plan on keeping my family together even if my husband never escapes. I am determined that my children will learn to chase their dreams and never be a JW.

  • discreetslave
  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep


    I go through fazes of this and my hubby had told me the same thing at one point. It's hard to distinguish healing vs dwelling... It's been a while since I had a real meltdown but I know I just have them from time to time. It's just part of the painfull process!! keep your chin upFS

  • sd-7

    Wow. This sounds a lot like my experiences last year. It is such an awful thing when your mate is still a true believer. I mean, not that he believes in something, just that...he's mistaken, still under their spell. It's silly to think that Jehovah's Witnesses, of all people, would suggest that we need to leave them alone.

    I mean, not that long ago, there was a huge tract campaign I remember participating in, and the tract was called 'The End of False Religion Is Near!' We left it at every home in the territory. Why? Because we believed that all other religions were false and that their end was near. When we find out, now, that in fact, the JWs were not merely teaching falsehoods, but engaging in active deception and threatening people who found out about it, we're supposed to just let it go? Ha! They TRAINED us this way! They taught us how NOT to let it go when we see something that's wrong. So they can't complain when we refuse to let it go; they can only blame themselves. It's because of truth and a love for truth that we can't help speaking out, posting on this site, some people make YouTube videos, and so on.

    Your sorrow and outrage is perfectly normal. I have days when it comes back, but most of the time I can manage it. And yes, sometimes JWN is too much to handle and you need to take a break. That's normal too, and in your situation, it may even be a very good idea. There are days I want to forgive the Society, and days I want it to be utterly destroyed and for its leaders to be imprisoned for crimes against humanity. But really, as evidenced by that stuff with Harold Camping, there'd just be another one that'd rise in its place. The best way to have victory over the Watchtower is to educate yourself and others who are willing to consider alternatives, and to endure your life with honor and decency and without a bunch of guilt and shame.

    You will feel sad sometimes, and every day this will probably be on your mind. But you will also find joy in being able to think and say and do things you weren't 'allowed' to do before. I mean, for me, just being able to watch R-rated movies was a joyful thing. There's so much that I hope you'll be able to experience.

    At the same time, I also know the pain of not being able to share this situation with your spouse. At least yours hasn't turned you in to the elders, has he? It can be a very lonely time in a marriage so divided. But don't let him fool you into thinking this was "your fault". You didn't do anything wrong here. You found out that the Society was doing things that were wrong, and neither they nor their followers have the right to call down evil on you for seeking the truth and testing your beliefs. You should be proud you had the courage to do so. There is no shame in that. The shame would come in letting it slide, pretending it's no big deal like they want you to believe.

    If you ever need to talk, I'll gladly listen. Whatever happens, remember that your mate is only a part of the religion and not the religion itself, he's just another victim, as you were. Try to forgive him if he seems utterly clueless about it, because it's probably just as scary to him as it is to you. But the hard truth is, unless you're willing to put up with the stress of it, this could be a serious danger to your marriage. Now that you've gone through this door, anyone on the inside is probably forfeit, including those you love most. That, in my mind, is the most horrible crime the Society is responsible for. Because they do more than take life with their doctrine, they also destroy the lives of the living.

    It sucks. But you're not alone. (Wow, I'm actually saying that...) Hang in there. It'll get easier with time.


  • OnTheWayOut

    You answered well, and now notice that your husband suggests the problem can be minimized by not looking at apostate material.

    While it sounds like he will stick with you, it also shows that some of what you feel is well-founded.

    You have such a good way of communicating with him. You showed him how you do have feelings on this matter.

    I imagine you will find a way to continue communicating to him.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    not again!!!! this is another post I can only see 1/2 of it???? I must have been 1/2 banned!!! not sure what sin I did?


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