I was reading some ex-jw experiences and I started crying. A flood of emotions came over me, anger, guilt, sorrow, grief, and fear.
Anger over being deceived and betrayed.Anger over the stupidity regarding child abuse. I was abused before being a JW and this is an issue I feel strongly about.
Guilt for bringing others into JW Matrix. Sorrow for those still trapped my family, friends,& sincere ones.
Grief over the time I spent losing my identity. Grief over the loss of my hopes as a JW. I really believed it. My entire JW experience wasn't bad. I really thought I had the universe figured out and I knew what the future held. Before being a JW I wrote poems & essays about a world much like the JW paradise. That's why I took to JW's. They told me my dreams were going to come true. All this is gone so I grieved over it.
Fear of my husband leaving me. I love him so much. I'm crying as I write this line. He loves me but I thought is it enough. As I think of my future and possible careers I keep coming up with ideas that are anti-witness: JW child abuse advocacy, cult recovery, writing a JW/ EX JW self help blog or book, I met an ex-jw who wants to have some sort of JW halfway house for extreme cases I could help her. There is a local Christian outreach program they do excellent charity work,I think about helping them. All these things could cause his family & others to talk in his ear about spiritual endangerment. I fear him listening to them or on his own not being able to tolerate my choosing this path.
While I was crying my husband dropped in to pick up something he forgot. He held me & asked me to tell him what was wrong. I hesitated I told him it may upset him. He said he didn't care if it would upset him he was more concerned with my feeling better. So I told him I had read some experiences and I was saddened I felt the wounds of betrayal were reopened.
His reaction was mixed. He suggested cutting off my bad association with bitter & angry ex-JW's. He can't understand why apostates insist on dwelling on JW's and their faults. If we've left and have moved on we should leave them alone. So he sees being on this forum and the ex-jw sites to be the problem.
So I told him my sadness is more a result of grief for the reasons I listed above. I reminded him he accused me of being callous by seemingly moving on no care for my family or friends of the past 16 years. So here it should be obvious I'm not callous. Then i mentioned my fear of our love not being enough to keep us together. That insulted him. He asked if I thought he was stupid enough to let others opinions ruin what we have. In reply I said I'm not calling him stupid I was just wondering about a legitimate concern. I said as a JW loyalty to Jehovah & the organization come before me. So if my choices regarding a career or a cause are to apostate for him to tolerate he could choose the organization over me. I said my thoughts were more of the worse case scenario not that I believed he would do that. I asked him are my fears without merit? Is loyalty to God's organization not above all else?
He hugged me and said he's chosen to fight for us he hopes I'll do the same. He suggessted cutting out this forum and websites that bring up these feelings in me.
I don't want to cut it out completely I do want to exercise some self control these websites have been like crack. I find myself wanting to check in a lot. I figure it's just the newness of it all. I need variety this includes having ex-jw friends along with non affiliated ones. There are things I can say on these forums I can't with him or others they wouldn't get it.
All this threw my mojo off. Oh well " Tomorrow is another day." Maybe I need to feel like Neo again I'll watch the Matrix again & picture each GB as Agent Smith.