Caught Crying

by discreetslave 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • discreetslave

    I was reading some ex-jw experiences and I started crying. A flood of emotions came over me, anger, guilt, sorrow, grief, and fear.

    Anger over being deceived and betrayed.Anger over the stupidity regarding child abuse. I was abused before being a JW and this is an issue I feel strongly about.

    Guilt for bringing others into JW Matrix. Sorrow for those still trapped my family, friends,& sincere ones.

    Grief over the time I spent losing my identity. Grief over the loss of my hopes as a JW. I really believed it. My entire JW experience wasn't bad. I really thought I had the universe figured out and I knew what the future held. Before being a JW I wrote poems & essays about a world much like the JW paradise. That's why I took to JW's. They told me my dreams were going to come true. All this is gone so I grieved over it.

    Fear of my husband leaving me. I love him so much. I'm crying as I write this line. He loves me but I thought is it enough. As I think of my future and possible careers I keep coming up with ideas that are anti-witness: JW child abuse advocacy, cult recovery, writing a JW/ EX JW self help blog or book, I met an ex-jw who wants to have some sort of JW halfway house for extreme cases I could help her. There is a local Christian outreach program they do excellent charity work,I think about helping them. All these things could cause his family & others to talk in his ear about spiritual endangerment. I fear him listening to them or on his own not being able to tolerate my choosing this path.

    While I was crying my husband dropped in to pick up something he forgot. He held me & asked me to tell him what was wrong. I hesitated I told him it may upset him. He said he didn't care if it would upset him he was more concerned with my feeling better. So I told him I had read some experiences and I was saddened I felt the wounds of betrayal were reopened.

    His reaction was mixed. He suggested cutting off my bad association with bitter & angry ex-JW's. He can't understand why apostates insist on dwelling on JW's and their faults. If we've left and have moved on we should leave them alone. So he sees being on this forum and the ex-jw sites to be the problem.

    So I told him my sadness is more a result of grief for the reasons I listed above. I reminded him he accused me of being callous by seemingly moving on no care for my family or friends of the past 16 years. So here it should be obvious I'm not callous. Then i mentioned my fear of our love not being enough to keep us together. That insulted him. He asked if I thought he was stupid enough to let others opinions ruin what we have. In reply I said I'm not calling him stupid I was just wondering about a legitimate concern. I said as a JW loyalty to Jehovah & the organization come before me. So if my choices regarding a career or a cause are to apostate for him to tolerate he could choose the organization over me. I said my thoughts were more of the worse case scenario not that I believed he would do that. I asked him are my fears without merit? Is loyalty to God's organization not above all else?

    He hugged me and said he's chosen to fight for us he hopes I'll do the same. He suggessted cutting out this forum and websites that bring up these feelings in me.

    I don't want to cut it out completely I do want to exercise some self control these websites have been like crack. I find myself wanting to check in a lot. I figure it's just the newness of it all. I need variety this includes having ex-jw friends along with non affiliated ones. There are things I can say on these forums I can't with him or others they wouldn't get it.

    All this threw my mojo off. Oh well " Tomorrow is another day." Maybe I need to feel like Neo again I'll watch the Matrix again & picture each GB as Agent Smith.

  • leavingwt

    ((((((((((( Discreet Slave ))))))))))))))

    The exit process is difficult. It takes months and even years, for some.

    It's perfectly OK to take a break from all things ex-JW and just focus on other things. It can be too overwhelming at times.

    Eventually, you'll be significantly detached from the subject, emotionally. Hang in there.

    It's very encouraging that your husband wants to "fight" for the two of you staying together.

  • Hortensia

    Relax and take it one day at a time. Mentally you have moved on. As far as your marriage goes, it will either work or it won't. Do your best every day to show love for your husband while staying true to your own feelings.

    As for the forum being like crack, I was obsessive about it when I first discovered these forums. I got over that, but I still spend about five minutes a day checking in. Maybe set a time limit - five or 10 minutes and then go on to do something else.

    Best wishes for your happiness


  • discreetslave

    Thanks Donny. Last night I was thinking about toning down ex-jw stuff. Just tuning in for laughs and when I needed to get JW crap off my chest.

    The fight for us part was encouraging.

    Thanks Hortensia.

  • Violia

    He's right to an extent. If I watch the news all the time I start to believe the world is about to end. the answer is to watch the news less. bad news is what makes cable news and not good news.

    you are reading some sad stories and some are worse than others. You do not have to immerse yourself in this to leave the wts. Many folks who are walk aways never ever check into this or any xjws website. I got validation from this and other websites. I am very grateful for those who built this city. You just need to take what you need and leave the rest. Your husband sounds sane and loving. don't push him away by making this board a religion b/c it is not. We all left a religion so we are free to lead our lives. It can include this board but don't make yourself crazy here. Your hubby is right, some of us are bitter and angry. Some of us had some really horrible things happen to us, more than just questioning the beliefs of the wts. Others here seem to have lead a relatively OK life and had a lot of family support and managed to get out and move on.

    We proceed at our own speed but for what it is worth, I think your husband gave you some good advice .

    this is a city of refuge , like the ones mentioned in the Bible. I see it that way. It is not a religion.

  • Free!!


    Sorry you feel that way!!! :( I will call you tomorrow when i get out of work! (i am super sick and cannot talk today, i have no voice) you know you can count on me if you need to vent!! text me, call me!! facebook me!!! :)

    Is ok to feel like you are feeling, i think we all feel the same way at one point... is difficult to exit, is hard to understand everything you believed, you stand for is a lie and now is time to start from zero again...

    Don't feel guilty, you were dubbed you truly believed that was the "truth".... Is scary and new... but we are all hear to help!!! xoxo....

    Talk to you 2morrow!!

  • No Room For George
    No Room For George


    Personally speaking, I think moving on from this forum and all things JW is the ultimate symbol of shedding the WT's influence in its entirety. Life is full of phases, and evolutions, and I think the ultimate graduation for a Ex-JW, is to shed even being an, ex-JW. I'm hooked on this forum like crack in the inner city during the 80's, or Meth within rural communities nowadays, and I hope one day this forum will be a distant memory, not because of negative feelings toward anyone here, but because one can't remain stuck on the WT/JWs forever. One has to live life moving forward. Regardless of what decision you make, I hope the best for you, DiscreetSlave. Someone did a thread on an old poster named, JT, and someone else, and the comment was made that JT made a success with his life, so this forum could no longer do anything for him. He graduated, and I hope to join him someday, but again, regardless of whatever decision you make DiscreetSlave, thanks for your input and I hope the best for you and your family.

  • Gayle

    He suggested cutting out this forum and websites that bring up these feelings in me. I do assume he sincerely wants to protect you.

    What are these feelings or these thoughts that come up within us? Is it our personal empathy, personal conscience, our honesty of heart, our sensivity for real truth, having an ability to think through issues. How long have we been frightened, embarrassed by these feelings and thoughts because we knew we couldn't express it, that that would put us in a bad spot by elders, or fellow JWs, and families. So how long have we stuffed it and maybe plenty of times feeling alone?

    Does somebody, anybody have such power to bring these things out of us, let alone so-called apostates?

    Or, have we finally found ones here dealing with their "crisis of conscience" and we read poster after poster, and say "oh, you too?"

    We realize we are not alone at all and we gain strength in our inner qualities mentioned above.

  • Scully

    What do JWs call it when they (as ex-Catholics, perhaps?) participate along with the WTS in bashing the Catholic Church??

    They say they've "moved on to better things" when they do that?? Do they leave the Catholic Church and its scandals alone??

    No, they call it telling the truth and exposing false religion.

    With due respect to your husband, perhaps you could point out that someone who feels they were tricked into joining a group (by having information controlled/withheld from them) has a right to feel betrayed, has a right to feel bitter about lost years and resources that could have been spent on truly worthy causes.

    And it doesn't mean that we are always "bitter". Part of dealing with those emotions is learning how to put them to good use. Helping people get out of the JWs who don't want to stay in the JWs is putting that anger and bitterness to better use. Imagine how lost you'd feel if you had nobody to talk to, yet still wanted to leave the JWs. It's the people who are here providing that informal support that make the way out a much less frightening prospect for a lot of people who want to leave the JWs.

    JWN (formerly JWD) wasn't around when Mr Scully and I were trying to leave the JWs. But I lucked into a cool little band of ex-JWs on an email list of 18 people who kindly invited me to join their conversations. They were the ones who helped me see that I wasn't going to turn into a pillar of salt, or get destroyed at Armageddon™, and who validated all the doubts that I had. Without them, I might still be one of the walking wounded, still thinking that the JWs might be right, but not having the stomach to deal with their nastiness at the local level. Because of them, I'm an exJW hoping to someday be an ex-exJW.

  • the-illuminator81

    After you've been in for many years or even most of your life, spending a few months or maybe even a year or two talking to other ex-members is not 'dwelling' in my opinion. Even though you are crying, it's therepeutical to confront your buried emotions and learning that you are not alone. But definitely the goal should be to eventually stop visiting these sites, and you should be able to say that being a JW is a thing of the past and you no longer look back and enjoy your life freely as if you never were one in the first place.

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