The (modest) success I'm having in the world feels so weird

by fresh prince of ohio 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    I left the JW's about 10 years ago. In the time since, I've managed to advance a bit at my place of employment. I went from customer service representative level I, to Data Quality I, to Data Quality II, and now I'm Business Analyst I, which pays about 50k per year.

    I don't have a college degree. I've got a lot of college credit, but mostly Community College, 100 and 200 level stuff hat I've accumulated over many years. But, I read and write fairly well, am analytical, and am fairly tech-savvy, at least by the standards of my workplace. And I'm a lucky basterd too.

    It feels so weird to be in the position I'm in, and thus I have this constant, low-level doomsday feeling that any day now I will be exposed as a fraud. I know that a 50k annual salary is not mad money or anything, but throughout my 20's (the time I was involved with the dubbies) I basically scraped by, barely making above minimum wage, and so a 50k salary does seem like an outrageous fortune in comparison to the living that I eek'd out for most of my adult life so far. I never saw myself as being the type of person that would have a serious, middle-class-income career, and I don't think that many people who have known me over the years would either, especially given the laundry list of my Social Retard moments that I could tell you about. I often think, god, there must be 50,000 unemployed, degreed persons living in my city that would be so much better than I am at my job. In summary, the primary feelings i have in relationship to my employment situation are guilt and inadequacy.

    I know, this sort of thing is totally first world problems, cry me a river stuff, but seriously, I am having success in life and I just don't know what to think about that!

  • sabastious
    sabastious

    A great man once told me something I'll never forget. He asked me, "Who'd be wrong if you succeeded in life?"

    -Sab

  • sizemik
    sizemik
    In summary, the primary feelings i have in relationship to my employment situation are guilt and inadequacy.

    fresh prince . . . these are the very same primary feelings that are reinforced constantly while a JW. During our twenties is when we mostly assume our personal value in relation to the world around us.

    Also . . . our value in the workplace is not simply a reflection of what academic milestones we may have aspired to . . . it's how we apply all of our attributes on a daily basis.

    You're only getting what you deserve from your own efforts . . . don't be afraid to feel good about it.

    And . . . congratulations to you . . . don't stop.

  • NewChapter
    NewChapter

    Hey Ohio (I'm in Ohio) I know EXACTLY how you feel. I skyrocketed at my corporate job. I got quite a few upgrades and promotions. I had skills and experience, but very little college at the time. Every time I was upgraded (my salary doubled in just a few years) I was struck by fear. They were going to figure out I was't worth it, and how soon would that be? Yet instead of meeting that bleak reality, I continued to get glowing reviews and being pushed ahead. I understood confidentiality and my supervisors trusted me. I never revved up the corporate rumor mill and their conversations were safe with me.

    Just enjoy it. You can't know the future, so enjoy the good fortune NOW. In this job market, this is a true testament to your abilities. They could easily fill your position with thousands of people that will work for less---but they keep YOU. That really means something these days. CONGRATULATIONS.

    I became disabled a few years ago, so I only give you this bit of wisdom. Plan for the future. I did, and things are still tough. But looking back, I wish I had just allowed myself to enjoy my success more instead of letting worry contaminate it.

    NC

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew

    Think good about it.

    There's nothing wrong with having a few things in life and being in pursuit of what interests and inspires you. The wtbs is in the business of breaking people down and keeping them down and in a dependant state.

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Fresh Prince.....great job and keep up the good work. It has to me someone, so why not YOU? Success and confidence are good things.

    Think About It

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    Thanks all for your responses.

    Just enjoy it. You can't know the future, so enjoy the good fortune NOW. In this job market, this is a true testament to your abilities. They could easily fill your position with thousands of people that will work for less---but they keep YOU. That really means something these days. CONGRATULATIONS

    Well, I'm afraid that's what they may do! My disease is to never enjoy anything i have and to constantly worry about what might happen.

  • clarity
    clarity

    Fresh Prince... hello

    {My disease is to never enjoy anything i have and to constantly worry about what might happen.}

    This is pure unadulterated JW crap thinking!!!

    That is what they want you to feel. They have washed your brain of logic and stuck this in, instead!!!! Don't waste anymore of your time on it.

    The really good news is that because -"We get, only what we think we deserve"- you obviously you have developed a healthy attitude in spite of them!

    Enjoy every bit of it.

    clarity

  • cantleave
    cantleave

    Fresh Prince - Enjoy your success, build on it, grow your self esteem. The WTS stole it from you - demand it back!

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    I think that part of my insecurity stems from the sheer dysfunction of my workplace. Anyone who works in corporate IT can probably relate. I've only been in the Business Analyst position now for a little over a year, and already they've got me playing a pretty visible role (in part because I'm all they've got, really -- we're understaffed like you wouldn't believe) in a very expensive and high-profile project that I just don't feel like I have the necessary skills to make the contribution to that they expect me to. And just last week, they announced a re-organization, and so now I'm reporting to a guy that formerly was 3 levels above me and whom I don't feel I've developed much rapport with even though I've known him for some time. There's many more layers to this onion but it's all enough to make me worry that it's all going to come crashing down in some personal jobpocalypse.

    My never-completely-gone JW hangover comes into play here where I feel like, no matter what I do, it's not enough to satisfy the people I'm reporting to. You know, all those years of, 'friends, we really need to examine our circumstances closely and ask ourselves, could I be doing more?' and all that. And, to a certain degree my workplace DOES have that kind of dynamic, and I'm so sensitive to that sort of thing after my JW experience that just a sniff of that dynamic brings all those feelings rushing back.

    Thanks for listening to me here and for your kind words, a lot of this is just me spewing out stuff that I'm constantly turning over in my mind to the point where it makes me crazy.

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