[Warning: I will make no attempt to be politically correct in this missive]
Son, I understand that your mother has given you "the talk" - about the facts of life and it's important that you know about these things now that you are becoming a man.
I appreciate your mother and all the sacrifices she has made to keep you healthy and out-of-trouble so far. However, there's just one more thing we need to talk about - and that is that you need to know some things about women. You see, your mother and all your female relatives are women and sometimes they ............. well, they kind of 'leave out' some important facts that young men like you need to know. That's why I will tell you the 6 things you need to know about women:
1)Never try to guess a woman's age. If you guess too high, she'll hate you and if you guess too low, she'll resent that you are being condescending. Don't even try.
2) Never try to guess a woman's weight - see rule number one, it works the same way. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is "Do I look stupid?"
3) Never guess if a woman is pregnant. Unless her legs are spread apart and you actually see the baby's head crowning, forget it. These days, with fast food and malt liquor, you can never tell if she has a beer gut or whatever.
4) If a girl or woman really, really, really wants to have sex with you, right now, "Oh, Do me, do me, do me"........... Make a believeable excuse and run away as fast as you can...... and maybe come back in a week or so. Look, I know this one is really difficult but you gotta understand that she is probably ovulating and you need to get away fast or face maybe twenty years of consequences.
5) Understand that all women are crazy. Now, that doesn't mean you can't have a long, happy relationship with a woman but you need to know that some good women have only enough "crazy" to fit in a change purse while others are pushing a shopping cart filled to overflowing with bags filled with "crazy". So, no matter how good a woman may look, keep an eye on how much crazy she's got in her. Too much crazy? Stay away from her, no matter how much it hurts for now - you'll be glad you did later.
6) Finally, know the basic fact that, in general, men want sex and women want 'relationships' - which includes most everything else, like romance, money, respect, a home, children and everything you have. That's the way it works and that tension between the sexes goes on forever.
OK, I can already hear the outcries about that last point. Yeah, there are sensitive men who want relationships and romance and all that. We call them "gay" (NTTAWWT !) But if any PhD "expert" ever tells you anything different, just set aside a hour or so and scan thru any online dating site and observe all the endlessly repeated themes and complaints by women. "No cheating, I want an honest man, Not looking for a hook up" and so on.
Even the skankiest, wildest, most uninhibited woman - the type who will do amazing things with fruit, vacuum equipment and animal husbandry wiil eventually turn wistful and think about 'nesting' and why she doesn't have a nice guy and why can't she find the relationship she deserves and so. It's just the natural order of things.
Hope this clears up some mysteries for you. Always carry a condom in your wallet but don't let your mom or girlfriend see it. Try to rub out the funny circle it makes, every so often.