Question about scriptural divorce and elder procedures…

by unshackled 31 Replies latest members private

• 

  unshackled

  I recently recalled an incident with my JW ex-wife while we were separated and waiting for the divorce procedure to go through.

  It was a fairly amicable process so we kept in touch during that time. About a year and a half into the separation and a few months before the official divorce the ex-wife was concerned about the scriptural divorce part. She was worried about being "free" to move on of course….at least in JW world.

  By that time I had started seeing who is now my wife….married last summer. So in a phone call to the ex-wife I let her know that the "deed" had been done….she had her scriptural divorce. All was good, she wasn't surprised and was relieved to know she could officially move on.

  That's where it got kinda weird. A few days later she called back and said the elders told her she needed to have a second witness hear me say I had slept with another woman. The elders wouldn't take her word for it, hence they said the need for another witness.

  So get this...she suggested either her father (an elder) or a close friend of hers listen in on the phone call...they wouldn't talk, just listen to me repeat the same thing I had already told her.

  Immediately I was pissed off with this, that it was complete BS and I had long ago had enough of the Dubs. While fading I had always refused to speak to anyone (other than my ex-wife) about why. She pleaded and said she needed it. I wouldn't budge and said I don't care about their damn rules anymore. If she wants to believe that crap and to live by those rules, that's her problem now. I had cooperated enough.

  Another few days passed and she called again. This time all was fine. She wouldn't need that second witness. At the time I thought it was a bizarre request to start with, and then to rescind it was just as strange. As a JW I hadn't heard of that before. Until recently, I had forgotten all about it.

  So the question….is this a standard elder procedure for proving a scriptural divorce?
  Anyone else have the same thing happen to them, or hear of similar incidents?
• 

  undercover

  I don't know the official answer but as is the case with most elder bodies, they pretty much intrepret the "rules" as they see fit.

  If the elder in charge was a hardliner, I could see him require two witnesses, yet at the same time, I could see a more sensible elder taking the word of someone who they had no reason to distrust.

  A friend of mine who wanted to remarry was told by his ex-non-JW wife that she "had done the deed" but the elders wouldn't believe him. He had to go stake out her house, with another brother as a witness, and watch as her boyfriend came and stayed all night. That observation by the both of them was then good enough for the elders.

  Stupid as shit, but you don't really think about when you're in. You're so used to it that it seems normal. Only when you get away from it do you realize just how ridiculous the whole thing is. Isn't the matter being between you and Jehovah good enough?
• 

  No Room For George

  I can see them requesting another witness being privy to that kind of information considering the plight of single sister who's not scripturally free to marry. Think about where the elder is coming from when she approaches him or them. Here's a woman in the process of getting divorced, possibly not a scriptural divorce, and on top of that she's entertaining the thought of mingling and joining the dating game when the divorce is all said and done. So she approaches one or more of the elders who have a manual book full of policies along with the bible, and she tells them that yep, her soon to be ex has officially committed adultry. The elders are going to say to themselves and amongst themselves, "so she says."

  I suppose they could have just reached out to you personally to verify the deed was done. It would have been more simple and cut to the chase.
• 

  Robdar

  I guess JW's have their own form of Sharia law. It's a pity, really, but not surprising.
• 

  AllTimeJeff

  Same thing happened to me. I had to have one of my old best friends be on the other line while I admitted to having sex again to my ex-wife. Were it not for my desire to just be done with it, I would have told them all to go to hell, but....

  The other way to do it is to say it in a letter. Or, if you just don't care, you can let your ex suffer.

  This isn't a hard and fast rule, but it has sort of developed as standard operating procedure in these cases.....
• 

  unshackled

  Interesting, didn't realize it was more standard procedure than not, thanks for the responses guys....oh, and Robdar (despite the Rob...not a guy right?)

  With her father being involved guess I found it weird they wouldn't believe me or her. He knew me well enough. Her father was a presiding overseer of her congregation at the time, but he wouldn't have been involved in her elder dealings correct?

  Undercover, that stakeout spying on the ex-wife and her boyfriend is just creepy. Stupid as shit is right.

  Miz, guess what doesn't make sense to me is...even if they had a witness to me saying that what proves that I'm not lying? Also, I guess reaching out to me wasn't as easy, because by the time this happened I had moved out of town and over a province....1000+ kilometres away.

  Jeff, that must have been odd...talking to an old best friend about committing adultery outside the Dubs so you're ex-wife could be free. I understand the "just to be done with it" part. But for myself I had enough...was tired of their games. Worked out though...I called their bluff and they moved on.
• 

  unshackled

  One more thing I remember.....in the months after our separation, I started to make new friends at work. Hanging out with them, playing softball, etc. One of those friends was a woman. But we were just friends and that was it..nothing else. My ex-wife knew her and believed me.

  At some point, the elders got wind of this friendship and did their best to convince my ex that I MUST be sleeping with her. The ex stood by my word and said no I trust him. But they wouldn't drop it very easily....they kept pressing the issue. I moved away a few months later and that was that. But even she was getting PO'd they were trying to nail me for something I didn't do.

  Typical "witch hunt" I guess. He left he must be an evil sonofabitch.
• 

  Robdar

  Double post. sorry.
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  Robdar

  Unshackled, that was quite a mess. It's good you are taking it all in stride. And yeah, I'm female. Robdar is a combination of the first three letters of two of my names. Rob is from Robyn (my stage name) and Dar is from, well, never mind (I don't like the name but my mom gave it to me. ~big sigh~). LOL
• 

  unshackled

  Robdar, other than those few things it really wasn't that messy. I've read some bad fading/leaving experiences on here and comparatively mine went smooth. The worst part was the pain of letting go of a friend in my ex-wife. We grew apart, we wanted different things but knew it was best to move on. Took a few years for that feeling of being a failure to subside.

  Your stage name? Don't think I've seen on here what you do, but do you mind mentioning it? Just curious...sounds cool.