Bad day in Athiest/Jehovah's-Witnessville

by Nickolas 36 Replies latest jw friends

  • AGuest
    Thank you, Shelby. Do you not think being presented with a strong willed, devout Jehovah's Witness as someone who is about to occupy an important niche of your life would have an impact on you?

    If I loved the guy, dear one (again, peace to you!)? Nope. Not a chance. Maybe that's because I would not be the type of DIL that would "answer" to her... or really care what she thinks if I thought it was whack (which might be why some of the guys I've dated didn't ask me - they KNEW me and "mommy" would clash - LOLOL!). Trust me, though: there are worse MILs out there.

    Now, it COULD be that future DIL didn't like that son didn't stand up to Mommy... or make (and pay for) other arrangements, given Mommy's stance (and fairly GOOD arrangements, I might add - you know, maybe not the Four Seasons but certainly not Motel 6!). THAT kind of situation would absolutely cause me to think twice, you betcha! Especially if he's 30-something. 'Cause I would have to question exactly who it is I would be marrying: him... or Mommy.

    But I'm sorry, dear one: while I would LOVE to blame ALL that is "wrong" in the world on religion... and even JWs (well, the WTBTS)... that would not be the truth. Yes, they are responsible for a LOT of the wrong in the world, maybe even MOST... but not all. Given the other comments, then, I would have to say that you (and/or your dear son) might have to consider that something else was the real cause. Because this just doesn't sound "right". On several levels.

    Again, peace to you!

    YOUR servant and a slave of Christ,


  • flipper

    NICKOLAS- In the " real world " your son and his girlfriend should be allowed to sleep together without interference no matter WHERE they are . But as hard as it is for me to say this ( because I like you ) - due to your being married to a Jehovah's Witness you are also living in HER parallel universe - if you get my meaning. Your wife is mind controlled by the WT society to think that SHE will be liable to God if she allows her son to sleep with his girlfriend in her house. The JW's look at it as " guilty by association " in regards to WHAT they allow to happen under their own roof. Yes, it's archaic , shallow, and rude ( in my opinion ) to your son & girlfriend - but your wife is controlled by FEAR from the WT society that SHE will die at Armageddon if she allows your son to sleep with his girlfried in your house. It's mind control through guilt & fear. And your wife is under the influence of that mind control as a JW.

    It may well be that your son' s girlfriend saw the potential for future controlling behavior on your wife's part if she committed to marriage and this scared her. Can't blame the young woman for this. She wants a relationship with freedom of choice involved. She saw her choices would be limited so she bolted. I'm afraid you may have to explain this to your son that his mom is just in an old fashioned , archaic cult which produces fear and needless guilt in your wife, his mom. I'd smooth things over with your son if possible and explain to him that his mom isn't in a typical religion which allows freedom of choice- shes in a mind control cult which allows her NO choices.

    My older brother, an elder in the JW cult did this to his 31 yr.old inactive JW son and HIS fiance when they visited before they married by putting them in seperate rooms so they wouldn't " fornicate " under his roof. Fortunately the young woman understood as she still married my nephew - however they live in a different state 800 miles away from my JW brother so they knew they wouldn't be seeing him as much and they'd be married soon anyway thus negating the problem of sleeping together near daddy dearest.

    But perhaps your son's girlfriend didn't understand this. Pretty obvious. I feel sorry for your son . Hopefully you can explain some of this and try to smooth things over with him. I wish you the best my friend, it's never easy

  • GLTirebiter
    but when they arrive they are allocated separate bedrooms. It becomes the elephant in the room.

    I think that the surprise factor could have a lot to do with it. Even though your wife doesn't agree with the cohabitation, considering their ages and that the situation was well know in advance, it is common courtesy to discuss it in advance--not waiting until they fly into town and arrive at your door, then dictating the rules as if they were still 16 years old. Whether you agree with their arrangement or not, they are grown ups and deserve to be respected as such. Discussing the sleeping arrangements before hand allows them a dignified way to choose, which might mean booking a hotel room or staying home.

  • AGuest
    Yes, it's archaic , shallow, and rude ( in my opinion ) to your son & girlfriend

    Oooh, dear Flipper (peace to you!), I have to psuedo-disagree. It might be rude, but "hospitality" kind of works both ways: while it IS upon the host to show hospitality toward house guests and make them feel comfortable and as much "at home" as possible, a whole lot of folks miss the point that the house GUEST has some responsibilities, too. One is to respect the "house rules." Another is not to overstay one's welcome. And there are a few others in between that (don't plug up/leave a dirty toilet, don't eat in bed, stay out of the cigars and liquor cabinet unless you have express permission, don't skinny dip in the pool... and don't bring strangers in and sleep with them in someone's bed. You know, the "usual" stuff).

    In this case, it really was upon dear son to either (1) know what Mommy was going to expect (either by what he already knew or by discussing it with her prior because, after all, she IS a JW and it IS her house)... and then (2) tell future DIL in order to prepare her and give her a chance to say "nope, uh-uh, ain't stayin' there,"... or (3) let Mommy know what HE wanted/expected and (4) make other arrangements if she couldn't handle it and it came down to that.

    It sounds like dear son knew or at least wasn't too surprised at Mommy's arrangements (because HE knows Mommy, so...), but not clear what, if anything he told FDIL and how SHE felt/what SHE said when he did. If that's the case, maybe future DIL bolted because she DIDN'T know... and was taken aback that dear son didn't tell/prepare her (as perhaps he should have).

    There is another potential culpability... IF the sleeping arrangement issue was actually the issue (which, again, I can't see it but)... and I mean absolutely NO offense here... and that lies with Daddy. Because Daddy could have set the house rules... alone... or WITH Mommy. I mean, if Mommy really is an uber-JW then she would have had to go along with Daddy's "house rules"... or make other arrangements herself, right, given the whole "headship" thing? So our dear Nick may also have to take some of the "credit"... IF the sleeping arrangements really were the issue... and he didn't tell Mommy that it's his house, TOO (and that HE felt totally okay and so she would just have to "get over it." Of course, I can't see our dear Nick doing that, though).

    Regardless, folks really can't go along with and protect another's delicate "faith"... and then blame that one if something occurs because of it. Which, again, I'm not so sure did.

    But even so, if future DIL really loved dear son... she would have moved past something as petty as not being able to sleep with him in Mommy's house... because, after all, it IS Mommy's house. If nothing else, every woman knows that every woman has her own house rules... which you either respect, tolerate, or make other arrangements for.

    Perhaps dear son dodged a bullet... or at least delayed its impact.

    Again, peace to you!

    A slave of Christ,

    SA, just keepin' it real...

  • InterestedOne

    Maybe I'm somewhat like the girl in Nickolas' story. I got seriously involved with a girl I thought had potential to be the one. However, her mom was a pentecostal who attended an IFB church. I know the IFB don't believe in the pentecostal stuff, but the mom kept the speaking in tongues, etc. at home - the worst of both worlds - wackiness of pentecostal with strictness of IFB. Her mom was so strict that the two of us were not even allowed to be -alone- together (even though we were in our mid-20's), except for maybe an outing here and there to the park or something. I have to say the thought of this woman being my mother in law creeped me out and led to me having second thoughts about pursuing the relationship further. I was very much attracted to the girl, physically and personality-wise, and we were falling in love, but the mother put a strain on our relationship.

    You could say that if I just loved her enough, nothing should stand in the way, but the situation wasn't like that. I wanted and needed our relationship to have a chance to develop and breathe, and I got a sense from talking to my girlfriend that her mother was still causing confusion in her mind. I was concerned that we would get married and then maybe my girlfriend might snap and go weird on me. I wonder if the girl in Nickolas' story had similar concerns. Like maybe she was concerned that the son might start to sympathize with the mother's JW ideas and the marriage might suffer. Is he able to give a future mate the confidence that he will not pull the rug out from under her and revert to his mom's JW ideas? Or, does he waffle on these matters?

  • unshackled

    Hey Nickolas...I'll have to agree with the general consensus that it can't be blamed on that visit or circumstance alone.

    I'll share my own experience: I left the JWs thru fading and also ended up getting divorced from my JW wife. I have since remarried last summer. But before doing so I lived with my now wife for 4 years out of wedlock. During those 4 years we visited her parents frequently. And every single visit we slept in different rooms as part of my wife's parents house rules. They are not religious at all.

    It was a strange experience to leave the Dubs and face that situation. Didn't "worldy" people not have such silly rules? But I accepted that they were simply old-fashioned and that was the way it was. After getting married last summer, we visited again for Christmas. This time, we shared a room. Finally that felt normal.

  • simon17

    Agree with some that this is a pretty flimsy reason for breaking up. I would say this relationship wasn't meant to be if having to sleep in sepearate rooms for a weekend unravelled everything. Honestly, JW's are not the only one that would not want their child and unmarried companion sleeping together in their house when they visit. So I don't think this is even a JW issue. If saying "while we're with our parents we're going to respect their wishes" is a major problem, its best they broke up now.

    Sorry your son is down about it though. Moving on always hurts.

  • TheSilence

    Do you not think being presented with a strong willed, devout Jehovah's Witness as someone who is about to occupy an important niche of your life would have an impact on you?

    Not as much as seeing that the man I was planning to marry couldn't stand up to his mother.

    Mine to be's mother is old school asian mother and has hung up on his girlfriends in the past when they called and asked for him by his first name rather than asking for Mr. Lau. That does not bother me. If I thought he would not stand up for me in such a situation *that* would bother me. It is less about how the mother treates the wife to be than it is about if the son allows it, in my very humble opinion and knowing only what was posted in the first several posts of this thread.

  • NewChapter

    That sleeping situation isn't all that unusual. Older generations still abide by it. If it bothered the girl, then we could ask why she couldn't concede this point in YOUR home but not hers. I mean it goes both ways.

    Since you said that you flew them in, I must assume that Mom wouldn't be a huge part in their daily lives, so even if she is strong-willed the girl would only be inconvenienced occasionally. Are you sure that's the issue? Would you be comfortable knowing that your wife would have to change her core values to make this girl comfortable? If that is truly the case, then the relationship would always be problematic.

    I'm sorry your son is hurting. Perhaps they learned some things about each other and will be spared future pain. It sounds like your wife is hospitible and you are too. How great to visit people that give me a room AND a bathroom and cook . . . I want friends like you!

    I hope you both feel better soon.


  • TheSilence

    I will add that if we visited his mom and she wanted us to sleep in separate bedrooms it would not bother me in the least. Her house, her rules and I would respect her stance on the issue. However, if she treated me like crap while I was there he'd best be willing to take me to a hotel. ;)

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