Seeking Advice Please

by Eiben Scrood 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • Eiben Scrood
    Eiben Scrood

    Some background: I am an only child, a born-in, my parents were considered superstars of the Watchtower having been missionaries and "exemplary" for their entire lives. Shortly after they died in 2002, I started a very slow fade and finally stopped all meeting attendance in 2005.

    Both sides of the family are, with a very few exceptions, also hardcore Watchtowerites as in 'if the Watchtower says my green Bible is purple, then it must be purple.' I have lost touch with one side of the family almost completely but the other side has always been close to me and in particular, I miss two cousins who were like brothers to me.

    In hindsight, I wish I had just played it cool and gone with the strategy of just appearing to be weak in 'the truth' and not wholesale against the cult. I'm a very open individual though, and it was hard for me to not speak my mind. I have tried to maintain some communication but even a huge event like getting married produced a very tepid response with no congratulations offered. This angered me even more and when I finally got one cousin on the phone, I let him have it for an hour. This was about 10 months ago.

    I wish I could just cut the cord so to speak and let the culties be culties and move on with my life and only focus on people that will be supportive of me. I confess, though, that I miss at least having some interaction. My wife and I are due to have a baby in about six months and I wish to share that joy. I would like my child to also have some kind of contact with my blood relatives. My wife has yet to meet a single member of my family.

    Particularly with this July 15, 2011 Watchtower pouring the koolaid stronger than ever about family relationships, I have to wonder if it's too late. I am not disfellowshiped and this is a fact I did make clear in my last conversation with one of my cousins. I would hope that would serve to my advantage but it seems the Watchtower is targeting faders will almost the same zeal.

    I plan on sending an email to the family soon with the announcement that my wife is pregnant. I was thinking of trying to mend things by coming right out and saying that we NEVER have to talk about religion again. I'd even be willing to apologize for my remarks about the organization that I made to them. I would NOT recant what I said but rather just acknowledge that this isn't information they wanted to listen to. I'm just confused as to what the best strategy would be. Part of me thinks it might be better to just announce the coming birth and express my love for my family and nothing more. Would even mentioning that I won't talk about religion again raise their hackles? Or would it, in fact, put their minds somewhat more at ease knowing that I won't be trying to tell them things they don't want to hear? What about the apology part?

    It's truly awful what this cult does and I admit to letting my anger get the best of me in my dealings with family. It's not like it's come up in all my communication with them but it's probably come up enough that they have talked among themselves and agreed to shun me.

    I know many here have gone through similar circumstances and I'd appreciate some input.

    Thank you,

    Eiben Scrood

  • Rocky_Girl
    Rocky_Girl

    Every family is different and, though they claim unity, every congregation is different. Some areas are more or less lenient than others when it comes to the treatment of those who left. I can tell you what worked for my family, but there is no guarantee when working with human beings.

    At first, I sent out a newsletter to everyone in my family talking about what was going on with me and the kids, along with current photos. Some of the family sent them back, so I took them off the "send" list. The others got regular updates. I never spoke of religious matters, did not send birthday/holiday photos, and did not push them to visit or talk. After some time, those who remained in contact started calling again and even asked me to visit. (I am not DF'd ro DA'd) Now, some of the others have asked for pictures of the kids, so I put them back on the list.

    I gave them a window into the part of my life that would be the same in or out of their religion - going to the park, school days, vacations - so they would remember that there are a million subjects to discuss besides religion. In essence, I plastered the big elephant in the room with family photos. It took the pressure off of them to comment on my inactive status and showed them that I was not a rabid apostate, hell bent on turning them away from the big J.

    Like I said, it may work, it may not. Having children helps - who can resist a sweet little newborn baby? Congratulations, by the way! Good luck!

  • ABibleStudent
    ABibleStudent
    Rocky_Girl - . . . At first, I sent out a newsletter to everyone in my family talking about what was going on with me and the kids, along with current photos. Some of the family sent them back, so I took them off the "send" list. The others got regular updates. . . .

    Hi Eiben Scrood, I agree with Rocky_Girl about sending pictures and describing what is happening in your life to all of your family members. I would recommend sending emails instead of cards/letters, because of costs. If someone replies negatively to your emails/letters, I would still send them updates. It is better for JWs to see that life continues outside the Organization, instead of reading and believing what is written in the Watchtower/Awake! Don't be frustrated/hurt/angry about negative responses from your family members, because the WTBTS is very good at controlling the thoughts and actions of JWs. Practise unconditional love towards your family members and maybe in time your family members will realize that con-Love sucks!!

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

    ABibleStudent

  • nugget
    nugget

    If you are no longer controlled by the organisation then think about how you would communicate the news to anyone else that you love. It is part of the JW construct that what we believe is important and what religion we follow either brings approval or disapproval.

    I would make the announcement uncluttered with apology or explanation otherwise the message becomes more about your beliefs and less about the happy announcement.

    If you wish to try to mend bridges that is a different message and it is very difficult to get it to work. They have extreme difficulty processing a message which is in any way critical of their beliefs.

  • Franklin Massey
    Franklin Massey

    Would even mentioning that I won't talk about religion again raise their hackles? Probably.

    Part of me thinks it might be better to just announce the coming birth and express my love for my family and nothing more. Good plan.

    In addition to the comments from other posters about sharing exciting parts of your life with your family, you should also ask them to share with you. If you know of things they are interested in, ask them to tell you about them. If they have kids, find out how they are doing. You seem very sincere in your desire to create a real relationship with your family. Keep the dialogue positive and show them how much you love them. Avoid hot button issues. I hope it all works out for you.

  • rebel8
    rebel8

    This is a common issue. The only thing I have to offer is my own experience. I was always taught there was some sort of biological, moral or theological imperative to be friends with my relatives. I chased after that impossibility for years and it caused me lots of pain.

    Once I was able to free myself from that false chain, I became a lot more at peace and happy, and have been ever since.

    Friends are friends, relatives are relatives. Individuals can be both but it's not required.

    I guess one factor to decide if you should chase after relationships with these people is to ask yourself if they are the types you want around your children. They sound heartless to me, just from the little you've said.

  • AnneB
    AnneB

    You've been trained not to make a move unless it has the whole group's approval. You can get over it, but it's slow and painful. Make up your mind what you want to do, do it, and get through by thinking "this, too, shall pass". Gradually, new people will enter your life and that's when you'll realize that what you knew as "family" and "love" was anything but.

    Best wishes,

    AnneB

  • DesirousOfChange
    DesirousOfChange

    I was thinking of trying to mend things by coming right out and saying that we NEVER have to talk about religion again.

    I would recommend NOT coming right out and saying it. In fact, DO NOT SAY IT. EVER. JUST DO IT. Just quit talking about the religion. By coming out and saying it, they will think you are throwing it up in their faces again. JUST DROP IT. Send the cards or emails with pictures. Don't bring up argumentative or objectionable things. Just play it cool. Wait for responses.

    Just my 2cents.

  • Eiben Scrood
    Eiben Scrood

    Thanks for your responses everyone. I have a lot to think about before contacting them and I really appreciate the input.

  • sizemik
    sizemik

    ES . . . reading this thread there's some great advice here.

    In a nutshell . . . if we let them set the standards, they have the power. If we live by our standards and ignore their cult induced response . . . we take the power back again. Be the person you want to be . . . and just treat them kind

    All the best to you.

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit