I'm just curious...what, if any, conclusions did you come to about your poker experience? Coincidence, "something" reaching out to you, or...? PM me if you'd prefer.
No reason for it to be in PM, I'm an open book and have no shame.
For the past six months I have been giving my all in building a business, but my all wasn't shaping up to be enough. The last few months of the six month time span has been especially rough for me. I made a bad quote on a website and ended up making less than minimum wage on the job because I under quoted. I was real down on myself which has been the theme in my life. Then something amazing happened, but first I need to give a little back story.
Two years ago I was living with my mother in her parents house while it foreclosed. My grandparents moved out so we were keeping it warm while he was gone trying to save it from going back to the bank. I moved in there with my wife because I needed some time without responsibility breathing down my neck and this seemed the perfect opportunity. Keep in mind I moved in on Bi Polar meds with sleep deprivating side effects so I slept almost as much as a domestic cat. I spent most of my time up at night playing World of Warcraft. The meds have to be given at least a three month chance because sometimes side effects are heavy in the beginning and taper off as your body adjusts. So all I had was time on my hands.
I was very depressed at the time and had zero routine. I hated it, but it didn't provide the motivation to change. One night I spoke to my wife about how I felt. I decided to create a simple routine for myself. I like to take baths as they relax me so I vowed that day to my wife that I would, from that day forward, take a relaxing bath every day. My plan was if I can give my mind one thing to focus on every day then the routine can be made. The problem was that I had no routine at all and was a complete leaf in the wind. To this day I keep that promise to the best of my ability (sometimes I have to shower because of time constraints), but I take baths a lot still because it has always affected my life in a positive way.
Back to the amazing thing: it happened in the bath one morning, yeah I know it wasn't worth the back story, but I indulged!
When alone I do a lot of thinking and have pretty much an open inner dialog with myself. I was kicking back in the bath thinking about life (me? think about life? no way! as my wife would say) and I started thinking about reasons for living specifically reasons for my life. I imagined a table where I placed things that I felt represented worth living for upon it: specifically my son and my wife. Then I thought why would I attach my reason for living to anything other than myself? I love my wife and son dearly, but I don't have control over what happens to them. They could die today and then where would I be having attached my reason for living to them? I could be a bad father and my son could hate me. I could be a bad husband and my wife could leave me.
Then a feeling of peace swept over me it didn't feel like it was coming from me, maybe it was, but it didn't feel like it. Questions started being posed in my mind like why won't you just accept the gift? Immediately I saw a man with a flower outstretching it to me asking for me to take it. I then thought what if I took it from him, but informed him that I was only taking it because it was a flower I liked, or just because it smelled good or just because I could give it to my wife and get lucky that night. Then I looked at the man's face and saw that he just wanted to give me a flower because he liked me. The reasons for the gift were not from him, but from me. At this point my eyes welled up and I started crying. Me! I don't cry. It just rarely happens, but I couldn't really control myself.
I felt bad that I had disrespected this man and I believe this man was God. He loves me because of who I chose to be and was offering a gift for nothing in return and I was thinking about why I should take it from him. Jesus' greatest commandments were never clearer to me as they were in that moment. I must love God and my neighbor as myself. I must first love myself as I am, with nothing or anyone attached to me, before I can feel good about taking the flower. It's not for my wife it's for me. My wife gets her own flower.
So after this experience my view on my life actually changed dramatically and a few true miracles have happened; in a crazy short amount of time to boot. I took the first step to loving myself in the way that God wants me to and now I feel "part of the plan" so to speak. I can feel that something is out there and that's my testimony. I also plan on explaining what it was, but I won't quit my day job over it.