Thanks to all for the words of support and encouragement.
Maze, from reading your posts, I see that you think there are "undercover apostates" who are fabricating stories for the benefit of...who knows. You are probably correct in this assumption. As for me, I have remained relatively vague on this site for the sole reason of not being identified by others. At times, I feel like I may have given too many clues as to my age, family status, region, etc. Now that I have stepped down, I'm sure that some sisters and brothers will wonder why. I can't be direct in my response as I could be disfellowshipped for apostasy. I will remain elusive as to my true feelings in the congregation - and also elusive on this board as to my true identity. Also, I'm not even sure what posting my talk outlines would do to prove anything. I'll give you something to chew on though: I have two talks that I have been giving for the last couple of years. My outlines differ greatly from the original outlines provided by the Society because as my conscience troubled me more and more, I had to keep adapting the talks so as not to feel like I was telling the audience things that I myself did not believe. I thought I could maintain that process for long while. However, I reached a point where I could hardly give a talk without feeling like a fraud. The Society requests a certain level of obedience from its elders and I was twisting and bending the rules so much that I no longer felt qualified to be an elder. As I get the sense that you are a bit of a troll, or at the very least, an antagonist, I will not honor you with any more information than what I have just typed and what I have already posted.
williamhahn, I understand your point about the fade vs. a solid stance. I want to take the solid stance but feel that at this time, it would be a selfish course when I consider the negative impact to both my wife's and my families.
dontplaceliterature, You're right. I haven't been on here as much. This board has been therapeutic for me but as I became more serious about stepping down, I thought I should take a break from my constant activity here. It's easy to find people here that will validate a move away from the JWs. I had no shortage of fuel here for my own personal little fire. I took a break because I wanted to be free of influence before I made my official decision. Also, I made this decision a while back, as some of my private message friends know. I didn't want to be too quick to jump on the public board and announce my decision.
Camelot, I'm sorry to hear about the "loss" of your child. This part of the Society's control makes me ill. I am trying to avoid a forced break with my friends and family at all costs. If they think I'm weak or struggling, that's fine, as long as I can still be a part of their lives. For now, I'm willing to stick it out to maintain these loving relationships.
sizemik, your comments about pretending to not know what I do know remind me of some bad advice that a few people have given me when I have expressed doubts or concerns about faulty JW doctrines. They said, "Your just too smart. You think too much. You should just stop thinking about things and be glad to be part of such a wonderful organization. Maybe one day your concerns will be addressed. Just be patient." Is it just me or is that total garbage? JWs boast about their "logical" and "reasonable" approach to helping people learn the "truth." But if I apply logic and reason to a subject and come up with a different answer than what JWs teach - or find a glaring fault in the doctrine - then I'm using my brain too much? It doesn't make sense.
Doubting Bro, the thought of my wife being treated differently kills me. It was a big factor to weigh in my decision making process. I can take the negative treatment (if there is any). But she doesn't deserve it. She has been so patient and loving during this whole process.