Why do I feel bad about my children leaving the JW religion?

by lifeisgood 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  lifeisgood

  (Please, no JWs come in here to convert me, I don't want to talk to you)

  I left the JW religion after twenty years. I had one teenager and two small children then. The teenager was a pioneer. I never discouraged them from going to meetings. I gave them rides to the meetings, I took them to assemblies. Their mother was a JW and went with them sometimes.

  None of the children are witnesses any longer. And they are all adults now. But, I feel bad about them leaving the JW religion sometimes. The youngest one goes to college and lives with a family near the school. Nice people. The two older ones totally screwed up their lives, and they don't behave like adults. My father raised me and my siblings to always work hard and make a living and never depend on anyone else. All of my aunts and uncles from my mother's and father's side of the family were raised this way. My oldest children don't want to work, they just want to scam. I just don't get it.

  I don't want to discuss this with people who are just going to preach to me.

  But, for those of you who had children when you left the JW religion, do you ever feel like this, that it was bad for them to leave also?
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  cantleave

  No idea!

  But I bet you would feel even more guilt if you made them stay in. They would be subjected to a high degree of mental anguish, paranoid about world events and controlled by an uncaring false religion.

  If they have children, they would go through the hell, that is a JW childhood. Made to stand out as different in school. Forbidden to celebrate birthdays, christmas and other holidays and subjected to hours of pointless routine. In addition their lives would be put at risk if they ever needed a blood transfusion.

  No my friend don't feel guilty, feel pleased that you have been instrumental in breaking a cycle that could have resulted in another generation of destroyed childhoods.
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  punkofnice

  I left about 6 to 7 months ago and 2 of my kids followed me. The JW's are not the true religion!

  I felt very nervous about it because I felt at least within the JW's they were controlled to avoid drugs and a whole heap of things that kept them morally and physically clean and safe. Or so it appears!

  I still feel difficult about some of the things they want to do and lads they associate with because of the moral aspect.

  However, I've resolved to ride this out as I want them to grow up in a normal society but I still advise them on being morally clean. I think I relied on the JW publications to do this for me.

  It's a balance I guess.

  I'd rather them learn for themselves, make normal mistakes, do non JW stuff and realise it's no fun, than be given JW rules and regulations where they grow up controlled and unhappy with the threat of god killing them or being DF.

  ....am I even making sense here?
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  NomadSoul

  By reading your first paragraph you seem to imply that you did the best for them by taking them to the meetings? Sounds familiar, like the parents of kids that do bad things excuse themselves by saying they took care of their children by taking them to school and feeding them.

  Sorry to sound too judgemental, but sometimes people are going to do bad things no matter what their parents do.
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  Found Sheep

  Do you think if they stayed JWs they would have a better work ethic? They would probably pioneer and use that as an excuse to only work part time or as little as posable. No guilt for getting them out.
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  Mad Sweeney

  It isn't easy to find the balance between order and chaos. Is the JW life more ordered than most non-JW paths? Certainly, but one gives up freedom when one submits to forced order. Often, when one escapes the strict order of a cult, he may go in the opposite direction and life becomes pure chaos. That isn't good either. Freedom needs to be tempered by wisdom, and that doesn't happen overnight.

  Good luck to your family. If you continue to love and nurture them they will eventually settle down. Don't feel bad for helping them gain their freedom, just help them learn how to manage it.
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  saltyoldlady

  Dear Lifeisgood - you will probably be surprised to see me offering a post in response here - but truth is I have wondered if it is a good thing that my 17 year old grandson is not pulling close to the WTS himself. His mother, my daughter, left and has a great deal of bitterness about the organization - her former husband, the father is still active and yearns with all his heart that my grandson would get baptized. I even find myself wondering if it is a good thing he is rejecting the organization. Of course my example only adds to his mother's and strengthens his resolve to resist baptism vows. But here are the observations I have also made - he is in the custody of my daughter now thanks to an ugly $25,000 pricetag and a week long custody trial. At the time my grandson really wanted to go live with his dad. I don't honestly know where his preferance is at the moment because he is fairly tight lipped about those subjects.

  But of all the five children in the family - my daughter inherited her new husband's family of four other children - about the same age as my grandson, and my grandson has many advamtages over the other children thanks to his first 11 years of active involvement in the WTS system. He has learned discipline, respect, polite manners, a humility and willingness to cooperate with others. He does not shirk his share of responsibilities in the family and reaches out to do more than his fair share to alleviate stress for others and help in times of crises. I don't think it is because he has better genes, or is a better person. I think it is because of the training he encountered as a young person. Being in the organization has a stabilizing influence. While I am joyful about my freedom, in fact I worry about my grandson's. It does not appear to me that he is pulling toward spiritual concerns or a spiritual life. While I do not espouse the WTS way as being the correct route at the same time I feel there needs to be an anchor for the young people and I wonder if he has that anchor.

  I guess the way I see it there are good things and bad things about the WTS - and I want him to have the good things. I suspect too it is really the behavior choices of your children that saddens you - not truthfully the fact that they left the WTS organization or refused to join up with it. If you sensed their lives were bringing happiness because they were learning to love and serve others you wouldn't have a moment's sadness. And as much bad as we saw in the fruits of the WTS we still want to pursue what is right and good, moral, responsible because it is the satisfying route of life.
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  tenyearsafter

  lifeisgood,

  I don't know if leaving the JW's has any correlation to your children's work ethic. I am assuming they are in they mid-20's? My son had a similar attitude, and it seemed to be quite common among his friends. I don't think they were lazy so much as feeling "entitled". I blame myself for this to a degree...but not because I left the JW's, but rather I made it too easy for him. I paid for college, let him live at home after college and tried to give him "all the things" that I didn't have growing up. I have talked to several friends (who were never JW's) and they experienced the same challenges with their kids.

  The good news...they seem to wake up at some point. My son is now married, has a good job and seems to be pretty squared away. Don't give up on them...

  TYA
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  troubled mind

  You really do not know how they would of turned out had they remained JW's either . You may think if they had stayed in the confines of the religion they would behave better.However many young people rebel as they get older ,and end up DF'd from the Witnesses. They could be just as screwed up . They are adults now ,and it is up to them to act accordingly . The youngest one in College seems to be headed in the right direction ,correct ? Each are individuals and will follow their own path,religion or not. We left when our youngest was 18 ,and the other two were in early 20's. They have all decided on their own (we did not influence their decisions) to stop being JW's . From our personal family experience leaving the religion has had no bad effect on our kids lives .
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  wyorobert

  I've asked myself the same question about a different religion. I am here because my wife is a former JW and my life is impacted by the shunning and all the other fun things that inadvertantly create drama, whether we play along or not. I was raised in a religion many think is a cult and left after a careful study of what I believed.

  Since I had a similar experience with my children, I think you are feeling bad because you now bear the responsibility that your religion once held. You didn't have to guide or direct them because it was all laid out for them to follow. A sort of paint by numbers plan that was suppossed to keep them in the company of good people and close to God. It is likely that you don't really know what to teach them now or how to guide them. Since they now recognize that all those years were wasted, it also gives you a bit of a credibility problem in trying to teach them at this late stage. I also think that you may have wanted them to believe in something you cannot. I am happy for my children that they are able to feel close to God in their own way. Everyone's experience is different. Who am I to judge them. Maybe in some small way you wanted them to have that closeness, even though you new you could not. I have no belief in God, but it is silly for me to stand in judgement of those who do.