My brother is now being trained as a Circut Overseer.

by Voices 31 Replies latest jw friends

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  Voices

  I received a phone call from my mother (who is still a JW, but VERY accepting of me still as her loving son, even though i was disfellowshiped for questioning the oranization AND choosing the bible over the watchtower at that time). She makes normal talk, just regular stuff pertaining to situations of ours. About me coming to visit, and or her coming. We're solidfying plans and everything and she says 'oh but i'm gonna be alone for 3 months with your sister' ....what? why? 'you're brother is going to NY to study' .....i was like 'oh! ok...?' ...and i thought he was going to a university cause he was studying architecture. And she says 'He's going to be a circut overseer' ......i was like WHAT THE F#%@.

  i didn't object...I said 'oh ok...well alright..' And i became upset... Here was my life...outside the jw religion suffering from PTSD and BPD trying to get therapy for all that bullsh*t..and my brother is getting more and more praise...getting up into the religion more...and now a circut overseer. Now he's going to go and be praised by everyone and i can already hear the voices of people saying 'see? at least out of the two brothers, we got one good seed' ....and if they saw me, they'd be like 'look at him, he has long hair and a beard, so WORLDLY' (even though I believe Christ had long hair and beard, even if i'm wrong, it doesn't make it 'wrong' to have long hair and beards )

  And I confess I became jealous....Not because he's to be a circut overseer. But it felt like everything good is happening in his life, while i suffer with ptsd and BPD and living a life of shit. i don't do drugs, i don't drink (i've been fighting that craving for a few years now) ...not that i am an alocholic, but one day i had a bad day, andi really wanted to drink...and i realized i was trying to drown my problems, and i made the deicision not to jump on that. I've come close...but i'm good. And of course my girlfriend doesn't want me to drink.

  You see, my brother is the 'alpha male' ...somehow, the 'alpha male' trait dodged me. He's got so many things going for him, and i gotta deal with this bs therapy thing. People would say 'well your brother is definately not in the clear either, he probably has the same problems' ... somehow it's different. He's getting things...confidence...self-esteem elevation...positive affirmations, positive things... And i'm stuck in negativity. I'm so upset. And then t here's the idea 'God and it's ALL set on the jw religion!...it's part of the Advesary's plot!'

  I got too much 'sin' in me and 'bad habits' that i can't seem to break...So it's all my fault anyway...But hell, not liek it freaking matters...

  I'm SICK of being me. If i was anyone ELSE but me, ..maybe i'd feel better.
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  miseryloveselders

  Sure you're not being overly self conscious?
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  LostGeneration

  I'm SICK of being me

  I think we have all been there, done that from time to time. I don't get the alpha male thing you are describing, as Im not that way either. But in reality, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing other than the fact you escaped from a cult because you found out the truth about them and now you won't bow down at their altar anymore.

  How do you know your brother isn't in his own prison? Deep down, I think most JWs resent the life they are living. Sure they won't admit to it, but it is the real truth. I can't count how many times I resented my upcoming weekend becasue it was ruined by service Saturday, Meeting Sunday, oh and throw in a JW social event to really ruin the last few hours of peace I had carved out for myself. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I was a CO, even more meetings, service, and BS to deal with. All for what? A big fat, lie.

  Don't envy him...be sorry for him.
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  Alfred

  Voices...

  Simply put, we ALL have way too many sins, which is why Jesus died for us all... so don't sweat it. Besides, between you and your brother, only one of you had sufficient sense and foresight to realize this is a family-destroying cult... That being said, I'd say you're way ahead of your brother in this complicated game called life... so you shouldn't get caught up in all this BS and you certainly shouldn't care what JWs think about you... at the end of the day, only God's opinion matters... that's my 2 cents... good luck
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  minimus

  Voices, you have it way over him and you don't even know it! C'mon, man! Get with the program. YOU are in the driver's seat. Don't envy him. Feel sorry for the huge waste of life that he's offering the Watchtower Gods!
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  Magwitch

  You are being too hard on yourself. It actually sounds like you have quite a bit going for you

  • Your mother is still loving toward you (even though you are DF'ed). This is huge! You must have a wonderful mother
  • You have a girlfriend that cares enough about you to voice her objection to alcohol
  • You are free of any substance abuse

  Let your mother and brother enjoy what seems like a blessing, everyone is entitled to a little happiness. Be happy for them.
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  superpunk

  I think those are perfectly legitimate feelings to have. Even if the feelings are there because of how a twisted organization and community treated us growing up, they're still legitimate.

  I kind of felt the same way about my sister, until I made a conscious decision to stop caring about what these people, and my own family, thought of me. Had to cut them out of my life completely, lest I be sucked back into their downward spiral.

  I think my dad had kind of the opposite thing. And so did my wife when we were still in. No matter how much they toe'd the line and did the JW thing, THEIR parents always seemed to be alot more concerned with what their DF'd children who made terrible decisions were doing.

  Of course, maybe it's all just a matter of perception and natural sibling rivalries kind of overtaking us.

  Either way I hope you can find a way to make it better and easier on yourself. Does no good to do otherwise.
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  Lozhasleft

  Dont envy him...he's going to be in one hell of a mess if he wakes up...meanwhile he's wasting his brains and his life, while you are recovering yours.

  Loz x
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  Gayle

  I do think most JWs are so unhappy with themselves from within also in their way. They constantly quote Paul, "What a miserable man am I." They don't like their own identity and strive miserably to cling to a (cult)ure to distract themselves, to clone themselves into some unrealistic world with promises, promises for their future that never comes. Many are taking anti-depressents too.

  So getting praise and a kind of corporate ladder climbing may give some kind of false boost, only in reality to leave emptiness in the long run.

  Hopefully your brother is not a 'partaker," so as not to be a potential Governing Body guy later! Yikes,,didn't mean to depress u about that thought. :(
• 

  Voices

  MiseryLoves: "Sure you're not being overly self conscious?"

  The people I know that started us out on, for years i've been thinking that's what THEY are thinking. We were VERY well known in our congregation, because we were trying to 'serve jehovah' ......there's a huge story as to our struggling....we were popular cause of our 'struggle' ...because our parents weren't jw's.. we were the 'brothers' known...etc. And it's those people that know our story, that are hearing this, that i consider still to be some of my family...that i know are thinking this...Almost like i can hear their voices.

  LostGeneration: I don't know how or if he feels the imprisionment. But I know what he IS recieving. Praise. To someone that suffers from GREAT lack of self-esteem, and can't see straight through the anger and confusion...Believe you, me.... Praise.....confidence...self-worth...friends...'family' ...means the world...

  Alfred: Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It's just troubling that i'm struggling here...and there's a huge despair in my sins...and entrapped and slaved by it, that it's bothersome.

  Minimus: I don't envy him being a C.O. I'm jealous that i'm struggling and wanting things like self-worth, confidence, PRIASE and positive affirmations, etc...that I DESPERATELY crave and need...and he gets them for free! WHILE I STRUGGLE MY ASS THROUGH THERAPY.

  Mag: Yes i am thankful of this, But I just want my ptsd and BPD and depression gone. i want my misery gone, I want confidence...in addition to all that I have. To bring about my PEACE of mind and heart. My girlfriend...is a touchy subject though.