I did spend more than 3 decades of my life willing myself to have faith, trying to believe, wanting to believe, and sometimes even begging to believe. As hard as I tried, it didn't "click". I thought it was a failing on my part - surely if god was there all the effort I put into belief would have had some results,
I know you try to be a good person Skully. I've caught your vibe for years. For me, I stopped trying to be good almost altogether after I left. I really sank my teeth into the Org. and got nothing in return but failure and rejection from those I loved. You are a better person than I. That is not just blowin smoke either.
For what it is worth, faith is not something we give God, it is his gift to us. When we will ourself to have faith, we take the credit for that and our own will becomes an idol. Many JW's weild great powers of the will, I've seen it. But it is still an idol that must be torn down.
Colossians 2:23 Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility,...to the satisfying of the flesh.
For me I reasoned that all my teenage rebellion years were enough of sowing my wild oats and that God should have revealed himself fully to me at the time I thought I was ready, when I became a bonafide Witness. I was really miffed, even after being saved that God allowed me to go through 8 years as a Witness and another 7 to 8 years lost as a goose before he saved me. In time, I learned that for me, the hold up was my family. I'm half Sicilian with a strong clanish instinct. I just couldn't bear the thought of saying goodbye to my mother forever. Every single member of my family is a witness along with hundreds of realitives. I was content to let them believe that I was weak, instead of experience God and never see them again.
Jesus wasn't bowing smoke when he said that anyone not willing to hate his father and mother and even his own soul was unworthy of him. God always tells the truth. Eventually, I had to make a choice.
For others it may not be family, it might be their will or something else that is the hold up in keeping Jesus from being the sole object of worship. One thing is for sure, as a JW you were not approaching Jesus himself. Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man cometh unto the father but by me" . He also said that "ALL authority has been given me in heaven and earth." A person MUST do business with Jesus. He also healed people in order to prove that he had "the power to forgive sins". Only God can forgive sins. Whatever the essence of God is - that was the stuff that was in the man Jesus. He was God Skully. And Christians love him very much because he has revealed himself to them as fully alive even after he died.
There is no loss of dignity or self in worshipping God. In the proper context, it is very natural. But, make no mistake, He will not share his throne or take the #2 position with regard to another person, corporation, your will, my family, or anything else in the universe.
I wish you all the best.
