I need help! Do you find it difficult pretending to keep your family?

by im stuck in 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  im stuck in

  Yesterday and today have been extra hard days. As most of you know I am trying to releive my wife and family of the burdens of the Watchtower, thus staying semi active in the org. Recent happenings in the world have caused the witnesses to tighten the grip on the peoples minds. I have lost alot of ground on the things I have proven to my wife that are wrong in the org. She is now constantly saying I must return to Jehovah with her and get protected by Jehovah.

  I am getting sick of trying so hard and am on the brink of either returning (gag) or walking away from her and everything else. If I were a younger man the decision would be easy. But they have taken our youth and I just don't see it as being that easy. I think I am too old and tired to start over with another wife. So where does that leave people like me.

  I must admit that when I beleived that it was the truth I was pretty happy, but after learning of the lies and deceit of the Watchtower I could not in good conscience serve them anymore. Teaching lies and deceiving people into nothing but a publishing company. But now though free in mind I find that I have what seems like a big hole in my life and heart.

  I know that there must be others like me and some that have lost so much more. At least I don't have children to shun me. (thanks to the borg)

  I am college educated and not a stupid mind numbed robot, but I am having a very difficult time of this. I was in the position of being a leader in the cong for many years and had many people coming to me for help, but it seems now that I can't help myself. So I guess I am seeking help from any in a like position. I know that there are many here considerably older than I. But I am completely bewildered about what to do with my life. Should we keep pretending and live out the rest of our lives semi in the org or make a complete break at this point. I am sick of the rhetoric I get from my wife about sticking with the org and jehovah will protect me. I know that it is not true that he is not interested in this org at all. I love her so much and it breaks my heart to see her taking their side and not being reasonable and understanding. She has been and still is a pioneer longer than I was an elder.

  I have been considering seeing a therapist but I am not sure of that. So I guess I am asking for your help can anyone give me any suggestions on how to handle this?

  Stuck in
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  lifelong humanist

  im stuck in

  Doing the right thing is often not the easiest option - in fact, it is usually the most difficult.

  Try to be patient. Realize that achieving a worthwhile goal is worth a lot of pain and grief along the way. Persevere in your resolve to continue working to assist your loved ones free themselves from the WT. Even if you seem to be failing, keep planting those seeds.

  Good luck in your endeavours!

  Incidentally, I've been trying for 8 years to asssit my JW wife leave the cult. Some days are better than others. Progress seems very slow, but I'm never going to give up!

  lifelong humanist

  PS I've started quite a few threads on this forum over the last couple of years asking for help to 'free my wife' from the cult - you might like to read some of these...
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  undercover

  As long as the mate is still indoctrinated to even a small degree, there will always be some bad days.

  Even as long as I've been patiently working to free my wife, with some success, there are times when she slips back into JW mode. Just look at it as a 3 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing. It might be a temporary regression, but at least in the big picture, you're still moving forward.

  Good luck.
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  brotherdan

  I am getting sick of trying so hard and am on the brink of either returning (gag) or walking away from her and everything else.

  I am with you on this brother. But you have to remember that you would be miserable going back. The fact is, you can't go back to the way it was before when you believed all of their bull. You will destroy yourself.

  I have gone through this same feeling. I had to realize that my wife was worth fighting for. And it will all be worth it if she can eventually see what a dangerous organization this is and see that I loved her enough through it all to stick by her side and not give up.

  You are where I was about 6 months ago. I've gotta tell you, it DOES get easier. It sounds like your wife has not yet accepted your position. While we both have chosen to remain "in" at this time, we can't back down so much. My wife is slowly begining to accept that I do not believe this is the truth. Things have lightened up GREATLY. And now I am getting to share alot with her mother. Her mom is now getting to the point of being disgusted with the organization. I couldn't have ever foreseen that happening!

  The point is, stick with it, buddy. You can do it! Show your wife how much you love her, and that you love her enough to go through this horrible pain of trying to stick it out with her even though you know that this organization is tearing you up.
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  brotherdan

  I find that I have what seems like a big hole in my life and heart.

  Also, you DO have a big hole. You have to replace it. My faith in the Bible and in Jesus Christ has helped me immensely. I don't know where you are spiritually, but remember that religion and spirituality are two VERY different things. Right now all that has happened is that you have had one of the biggest parts of your life ripped out from under you. You haven't replaced it.

  I urge you to read "In Search of Christian Freedom" by Ray Franz. After reading Crisis, I was left with that hole. But after reading "In Search" I felt so refreshed and ready to move on in my relationship with God.
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  bohm

  just a suggestion, if you wife has gone into "hard core dub mode" due to external factors, perhaps it would be a good idea to let the subject rest for a month or two and let her cool off, while you did something that you liked and made you grow? perhaps volentier work?
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  Lion Cask

  Hey there, im stuck in. Situtation here is different. She's been in for over 30 years, I never was. It has been a contentious issue since day 1 and my approach over the years has been poor. I get angry, she respectfully, often tearfully, defends her faith in God and the WTS as if it was the same. To her it is the same. That is her reality and to let go of it before she is ready would be as traumatic as an amputation. My approach has changed over the past few months. It's been less emotional and more factual, but gaining real ground isn't apparent. Still, I will continue the conversation for as long as it takes, even though there are days I feel exactly the way you do. Like giving up and going away someplace. But I won't do that, and neither will you. You love her, she loves you and nothing is worth giving that up for. Nothing.

  Here's the advice part, since you are seeking some. You might want to ask yourself, is this issue so important that you will break your heart and hers over it? Is it because the WTS hurts people and you just want it out of your lives? Well, you can work on that. Be a good man. Let your words and actions be beyond reproach. Spend more time with her. Love her unconditionaly but let her know your conviction that the WTS is not what it represents itself to be is strong and you are no longer able to allow it to be the third person in your marriage. But also let her know that you will allow nothing to come between you, not even this. If she is going to leave the Watchtower, it must be of her own accord. If she leaves only because she loves you she will be unhappy in life, and if she's unhappy you will be too. She needs to know that you are not her enemy and you need to know that she is not yours. Your enemy is the Watchtower and your goal, even if it takes you years to accomplish it, is to undermine the WTS bit by bit and ultimately free her from its grip.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I tried being "stuck in" the organization and couldn't do it either. I had to fade away to complete inactivity or go bonkers. Now, religion and "the truth" are virtually off limits to discuss with my wife and mother. No other JW's call me because of my inactive status and I say "Good riddance." You might be able to find some neutral ground with your wife (and perhaps others) but it definitely sounds like you need to get away from that Kingdom Hall. If you lose all others but retain your wife and your sanity, stopping the pretending might be worth it. It's not "attacking" their beliefs, it's just not discussing them.

  I did (and still do) see a therapist because of issues that I never dealt with before becoming a JW. Those issues were not supposed to be a big problem because the end was so so so close. Well, those issues and the feelings of being duped by WTS, having my thinking rewired all wrong, made professional counseling necessary. It can help with the marriage too.
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  AudeSapere

  im stuck in wrote: I think I am too old and tired to start over with another wife. So where does that leave people like me.

  Do you *need* a wife?

  Many single people live happy, productive, fulfilled, and relatively stress-free lives.

  -Aude.
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  Lozhasleft

  If you love your wife as much as you say then you must fight for your marriage surely? Make a stand about your loss of faith in the org and keep trying to reach your wife? I'm not suggesting it's easy though.

  Loz x