Happy BURRRR. . . . Day??

by southern.finesse 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • southern.finesse

    My girlfriend was raised in the midst of JWs. She never went to the KH while we dated but she did attend assemblies once a year. Birthday celebrations were never an issue for us. We took romantic trips, dined at fine restaurants, exchanged lovely gifts, and velvet cake w/white icing became her favorite. But from the very moment I made her my wife, birthdays were of the devil. After we exchanged vows, my birthday came 1 st . I spent it alone at a restaurant.

    Exactly how should I treat her birthday since it is quickly approaching? Should I even acknowledge it?

    Please comment.

  • cantleave

    Ask her what she wants you to do?


  • s0rt3d

    Yep - agree with Cantleave: ask her what she wants. She might now be feeling uneasy about celebrating. You won't know till you have a chat!

  • wasblind

    " But from the very moment I made her my wife, birthdays were of the devil "

    Awwww, she did the ol' bait & switch

    you have a long road ahead of you now

    you either turn full fledge JW or else

    your best days are behind you. She knew

    if she had of shown her true colors she might

    have lost you. She got you now, it's a whole

    new game

  • southern.finesse

    @ cantleave, she didnt ask me what I wanted to do on my birthday and I celebrate them. So why should I ask her "what you want to do" when she "claims" not to celebrate?

    @s0rt3d, i believe ill lose more respect for her if she did want to go out and paint the town.

    @wasblind, ive realized it now that I do have a long road ahead of me. She knows i'll never be a JW

    This is really what I don't understand, she is convicted in her mind not to watch rated R movies, get up a 6am on Saturdays to publish, and watch all her associations but wheres the conviction when she disrespects and over talks her husband?? She doesn't celebrate 4th of July, but she wanted to go out and see the fireworks. Memorial Day we were out with her "30 years of studying mother" BBQn at the city park. Get off the fence so I can clearly see which side your on. We have been married only alittle over a year now and it's hard for me to adjust to all of these changes overnight.

    I want to take my wife out and allow her to enjoy the day of her birth, yet if she is taught not to celebrated. . i should be obligated to respect her beliefs. . RIGHT??

  • wasblind


    I understand how you feel, and it's just like you stated, where is her conviction

    when it comes to her husband ? If these things were not an issue before the marriage

    and then she flip the script afterwards, you were mislead. You should not have to oblige

    anyone who have deceived you

    what she did to you reminds me of their so-called bible studies, they offer you a bible study

    but in reality that's just so they can get a foot in the door, to brainwash you with their

    literature. They flip the script, you don't study the bible, you study their literature

  • jamiebowers

    Please say that you two don't have kids yet, because once they come along, all hell will break loose. The most important issue will be the ban on blood transfusions. Other things like her and her jw friends and family telling your offspring that Daddy is going to die at Armageddon will also loom large. If you don't cut your losses now, please don't ever have children with her.

    Welcome to JWN, btw. Good luck and God speed.

  • southern.finesse

    @jamienbower, I/we don't have any children but in the future I would like to have some. I would like to have some, but the differences and the future issues I KNOW we will have makes me ill. ESP, if I feel this way now. . . putting children in the mix will only complicate things more. So should I just had over my future intentions on having children? I told her off top that if we were to have any, they were forbidden to step foot anywhere near a KM!!

    Can I please have more input from others on the board? I greatly appreciate all the responses.

  • jamiebowers
    I told her off top that if we were to have any, they were forbidden to step foot anywhere near a KM!!

    That will be next to impossible, and if you happen to divorce after having children with her, it will be impossible. The best you can hope for is obtaining rights to make educational an medical decisions for the children after a very expensive custody battle.

  • GLTirebiter


    Jamie is right on both posts. I've been down those roads, and urge you to not follow. Don't bring children into the marriage until and unless both parents are on the same page for how they will raise them. Rearing children is stressful enough without having to deal with the WT pressure on every parental decision.

    When children come, she will be pressed to go straight to the KH with them in tow--she can't deny the kids a moral, theocratic upbringing, or else they'll be destroyed on A-Day. And the same goes for her, if she doesn't raise them as good JWs. And the same (if not worse) for you, if you aren't supportive enough--i.e., baptized, attending every meeting, on service every Saturday, and "reaching out" for advancement in the congregation. She may want to quit working so she can "stay at home with the kids"--translation, take them out on weekday field service and build up those service hours. The kids can only have other JW kids as friends--you musn't let them get entangled with any "bad associations" like scouts, 4H, sports or clubs.

    You need to be honest with each other, shore up the marriage bonds, make meaningful agreements, and respect each others' boundaries. It can't be one-sided, but with the WT pressure on your wife it will take a lot of effort to prevent that. But if you don't, can it really be a marriage partnership?

    As for her birthday, follow her lead whether to be high-key or low-key about it, but "nothing" is a poor option even if she says that's what she wants (think "no-winscenario"). Look for ways to tell her she's special to you that don't exclaim"Happy Birthday", but don't ignore it completely either.

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