I've always been a "spiritual" person. I've been an avid bible reader since as early as I can remember. I read the bible cover to cover for the first time when I was about 17 years old and have read it at least twice more since then. I don't recall how long it took the first time, but it was over the course of at least two years.
I was baptized at 11 years of age. At that time, God was real to me, it seemed illogical for life to exist without intelligent design, and the religion I called my own seemed to adhere 100% to the bible. At the time, I considered the bible to be the "word of God," infallible.
I progressed after baptism. To the point that I eventually was appointed as an MS. I even served for a time at Patterson Bethel 2001-2002.
That was my first exposure to the hypocrisy. I saw fellow Bethelites saying one thing in public, and doing another behind closed doors. In public, they would appear to be morally upstanding. However, double lives were being lead. Drunkenness, foul language, inappropriate jesting, porn, etc.
I became disillusioned and questioned if it really was what it appeared to be. Was this really the "truth?"
I didn't do much questioning of doctrine at the time, just of the personalities of fellow believers.
Because of this, I got over my disillusionment and became active in the faith once more.
However, recently, that has changed.
As y'all know, occasionally JWs have "refinements" of doctrinal understandings. This religion has made a lot of predictions over the years. Predictions that sound scripturally based, and then change when the original prediction didn't pan out.
Recently, there have been quite a few refinements in understandings about bible prophecy.
I used to subscribe to the view that this was a good thing. I felt that it was humility on their part to admit when they were wrong.
However, I now think it feels like an attempt to retain power and control over followers that may start to see the failures of promises.
The GB is currently ignoring vast amounts of archeological evidence about 607 vs 587 in bible history in order to keep their power that comes from claiming to be "God's earthly channel" of communication.
At this point, my faith is shaken. I have researched the archeological evidence and have found the Society's position on that evidence to be flimsy, at best.
And, because of this, my faith in other beliefs is shaking. Is the bible prophetically reliable? If God exists, does he really approve of this organization?
I still can't help but feel that there must be a higher power, an intelligent designer of life and matter. I also feel that the lessons the bible teaches are beneficial for life. Love your fellow man, love your wife, obey your parents, be peaceable, mild, kind.
But what about all the other specific doctrines? I don't know anymore.
Like Brother Knorr was said to have said once, "All I know for sure is that Jehovah is God, Jesus is his son, and Jesus died for our sins." That's kind of how I feel.
But, doubting these other details about my faith also makes my faith in those basic things have a shaky foundation as well.
Right now, I am still outwardly an "uber dub," but on the inside, I am torn up.
Normally, if someone feels the way I do, you just decide that this faith or church isn't for you and move on.
However, my whole family is in the truth. Wife, Father, Mother, Father-in-law, Mother-in-law, Sister, etc.
So you can see why this challenge is a struggle. I love my wife, my family and my wife's family. However, in order to have a meaningful relationship with them all, I can not communicate my doubts about the faith or leave the faith. If I were to do so, I would not only be persona-non-grata to them, but they would also suffer emotionally.
In addition, the only friends I have are heavily invested in this religion also.
At this point, I feel trapped. My choices are either go with my gut, my brain, and stop wasting my time on this bull crap, or to grit my teeth, and pretend to be a believer and say all the right things in order to not disappoint family or friends.
What will I do? How will I face this challenge?
As of now, I have no idea. But, putting down all of this in writing has been somewhat therapeutic, and I'm glad I have done so.
Thanks for listening and any insight y'all can provide would be appreciated.