How to tell my mom im moving out?? Need advice please

by cia112 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • WingCommander
    WingCommander

    Ok, so you're 22 right? Then what the hell is the problem? You are not a minor anymore, and are not required to answer to "mommy" as to your every move, thought, action, or location. Want to go out tonight with your boyfriend? Simply pick up your keys and leave!! When will you be home? When you damn well feel like it!!!

    If you are in some situation where by your mom supports you while you're still in college, then remove yourself from said situation by moving in with your boyfriend. During the day while she's out in field service or at work, simply rent a moving van and have your boyfriend help you load all of your possessions into the van and move. Leave a letter stating in short, "Dear Mom, thanks for your help these past 22 years, but it's time for me to be on my own. Also, I'm tired of having an apocalyptic cult's message crammed down my throat constantly as well as your never-ending guilt trips and noseiness. Love, Daughter. PS: Don't call me, I'll call you."

    I just can't understand how people over the age of 18 are still under the thumb of their dogmatic, a-hole JW parents. Fugg 'em!! They'll miss you more than you'll miss them, I promise.

    And you'll live happily ever after, The End.

    - Wing Commander

  • cia112
    cia112

    Thank you for all of your advice, my boyfriend graduates soon from college and i will in 2 years, our plan is to move out by the next year, so we are saving up money til then...and if things dont work out i will deff not move back in with my mom! i guess we'll have to work things out, i know things are going to be very different and difficult but you have to start somewhere, i cant always be in my moms clutches, her always telling me what to do, about me and my boyfriend we'll just have try and make things work, thats what a relationship is all about...

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    When I was your age, moving in with a boyfriend was the rage. Life experience showed me it is a bad choice. No one is against romance. Perhaps b/c of the cult, I found myself hating my mom's lifestyle yet being more emotionally drawn to her because of it. It is called a trauma bond. The idea to move in with a girlfriend(s) is excellent advice. I feel it is very important for all women to learn life skills on their own. After at least one year, you will be ready to move in with your bf b/c you truly love him, not because it is new and a shortcut to independence. This is so important for ex-Witnesses. We are taught to be deferential, have low self-esteem, fear rejection, and don't have vast resources.

    A little sophistication is good for romance. I'd call this the antidote to being the gender that is preyed upon more often. When I was in college, all I wanted was bliss with a boyfriend. Fortunately, for me, I attended law school. Starting friendships were difficult for me after the Witnesses. A boyfriend seemed the answer. Immediate intimacy. Instead, I was exposed to a difficult culture where hooking up was the exception and people went on traditional dates. All this in the midst of Greenwich Village, NYC. These years are crucial to developing patterns and skills. With my paycheck, I realized I no longer needed a boyfriend to have fine wine, china, travels, attend Broadway plays. It made a vast difference. I found I felt sexier and that I was a true catch. I went from beggar to chooser.

    Rejection from family b/c of the Witnesses was a major theme of my young life. I was willing to sacrificie my beliefs rather than lose love. When you are young, you lack the experience to truly know circumstances are temporary. I had physical symptoms from the stress. It seemed so odd. I was a top student, I volunteered for acceptable social causes, I was outgoing. In short, the world loved me. Witnesses detested me. Rather than basking in the acclaim of my fellow students, my education was ridiculed. College was the turning point of my life. No way could I ever be a Witness again. There is no way of predicting how your mother will react. I believe you are concerned with her approval. It is exquisitely painful to pick up the keys and leave. Independence is a better framed goal than young love. Young love can wait a few months. You need to plan concretely what you will do if she rejects you. It is a major life trauma for anyone. Personally, I've been in active in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Any Witness family qualifies. I was so severely damaged before I reached eighteen. It can get a little bit culty too but you can select what you want and leave the rest. I met other people who were raised in cults. It is a great place to vent, to seek validation, and to learn alternative behaviors. "Worldly" friends will not understand the consequences of being raised as a JW.

    This site is a great place, too. Many people here have faced the same ordeal. I predict it will be very hard to leave, harder that you can imagine right now, esp. if mom is a true JW. I can assure you that the reward of leaving is so great words can't do it adequate justice. Your life can be so rich. I've been out since sixteen, many decades ago. Sometimes I pause what I am doing and reflect what my life was like as a Witness. Despite severe adversity, my life is blessed.

    Another point is that someone sought advice for an employment situation to cover time as a Witness. I can't fully formulate it here but the same traits that make Witness life hell can be very valuable traits minus the mind control. I struggled so hard. It was a finite period. Life was better than I ever imagined it could be as a Witness. And I've had unusual adversities. Walk is my advice but walk smartly.

  • cyberjesus
    cyberjesus

    undercover has spoken wisely.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    Life experience showed me it is a bad choice.

    Hm, I don't know. I lived with my boyfriend for a year before we married. Last December 5th was our 18th wedding anniversary.

    That's us to the left about 6 months after we married.

  • Judge Dread
    Judge Dread

    "Mom, I'm moving out". Simple.

    Now, quit college because it doesn't seem to be making you smarter.

    JDW

  • Sam Whiskey
    Sam Whiskey

    Here's an easy way, "Mom, could you look up the number for U-Haul in the Yellow pages for me?"

    Seriously though, I hope all goes well for you.... it's not easy to do.

  • Snoozy
    Snoozy

    I'm with JD.. you're 22

    Your Mom is a JW and you can go to college?

    Snoozy

  • Scully
    Scully

    I left home when I was 20. It was one of those rites of passage that was more or less expected - you finished school, got a job, saved a bit of money and then set out on your own. It helped that the job I got was several hundred miles away - that made commuting rather difficult, and moving to the new town a necessity.

    You may have to accept that your mom isn't always going to like your friends, your job, your boyfriend, etc. It won't matter who it is, or what it is, she's probably thinking it isn't good enough for her "baby girl". If that's her thought process, you're just going to have to ignore her complaining.... unless you want to ask her "Mom, you raised me and gave me the guidance you thought I needed to become an adult. Now that I am an adult, you're just going to have to trust that you did your job right. I love you. It's time for me to show you that I can do this."

  • skeeter1
    skeeter1

    Band on the Run gave some wonderful comments, as the other posters here did as well.

    When it is time to finally leave or to start a family, I want you to know that you can't please your mother. And, if you try to please her, you will be hurting yourself and your family.

    I don't think it's a wise move to move in with your boyfriend. Get a female roomate(s). Get through school. Work many jobs if you have to. Get through school. Become a chooser and not a taker, as Band said.

    Skeeter

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