What made you leave?? What were your core reasons?

by safireblu64 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • safireblu64

    Hi there, I am pretty new to this forum, this absolutely wonderful forum and I just wanted to know what made you all leave? What were your positions, responsibilities and at what point did you know you had to leave? And are there any persons here from Ontario, Canada?

    Here is my story:

    I am now a resident in Toronto which I came to from Nova Scotia seven years ago, and in short I lost twenty-eight years of my life to a religion that owned me since I took my first step, and every step thereafter and I refuse to only see the light on the day of my last breath.

    I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to know that there are others that understand where I am coming from. There is nothing worse than being alone. I knew the day that I asked myself honestly "Who am I?". I was in private honestly looking into myself and when I burst into tears because I did not know the answer or what the right answer was....I knew that I was lost. At twenty-five years old I knew then I had absolutely no sense of who I was, or what I had become. I only knew who I had to be......who I was expected to be....as my years of service, pioneering and being known as a "pillar in the congregation".

    Now that I have chosen the course of "fading" as it is called by others, I am concerned that once I fade, will I be thrown back to square one in that I will no longer be able associate with my family/friends if I decide to disassociate myself? I plan on writing the Society a letter and letting them know that I actually want to annul my baptism (since I was 10 years old) and that I simply want to be viewed and treated as someone who has never taken the "truth" and that I simply want to be recognized as no different as one of those they find behind the doors in the field ministry. I will also beat them to the punch and let them know that their rebut of "you know the scriptures therefore you know the difference" is of absolutely no significance to me, because as far as I am concerned I have been manipulated, persuaded and coerced by the forces of mind control to unconsciously nod my head to the explanations the WTBS give with absolutely no room for self thought or any questions against it. You want to talk about machinations of the devil! Is that not in itself the very epitome of sinister machinations? It is because of THEM that I do not know the scriptures, I only know what THEY think they know, or profess to know. I am trying to know the scriptures, the holy scriptures, not that of the NWT, but of the holy bible as it resonates within my heart and within my individual intellect and reasoning. It is because of THEM I am haunted and tortured by fear of misreading or misinterpreting the scriptures and paying the penalty of such by an annihilation in Armageddon. It is because of THEM that I am desperate to find the knowledge of God, to find the truth, and find what is 'right' and I am pummeled to tears because I do not know where to begin because I am suffering emotional paralysis spiritually speaking.

    Everything in my life everything that I have ever known it to be has been nothing but years of hypnosis to keep me from seeing reality to put it lightly. The minute, the very second that I raise my hand to ask a question I am spiritually handed my dose of medication to keep me 'sane', and the more that I have tried to fight it, the more they convince me I am crazy, that I know better and that I am weak and letting Satan into my heart. Every excuse and explanation they give is shoved in my mouth with my hands tied behind my back. And now I am dying within myself minute by minute in my solidary confinement praying that God knows my heart despite that they insist on telling me that I am unrighteous and treating me like a leper.

    Here I am doing all that I can to do what is right, and please my parents as I have "disowned" them, and 'left my family'. As I am going to the meetings and my mother talks to me, I am guilt stricken because I see the hope in their eyes and hear the happiness in their voices. I had been in a car accident earlier this year and I have had to depend on my parents to help me as I am unable to work, and I cannot drive so I depend on my parents bringing me to my appointments and physio while my fiance is at work. Knowing that I am putting on a smile for them, I am being eating away inside because I know what my intentions are. I am forever grateful for my parents being here for me, and putting aside my disfellowshipping on the account of emergency circumstances. I am saddened beyond all words however because my mother constantly speaks of how wonderful everything will be once I am back, how we will go out in service, have tea and crumpets, and how we will all go together to the conventions and assemblies. It breaks my heart that I know I have no intention of going to any of those, and it breaks my heart that she is so entrenched in her dreams, and it kills me that I cannot fulfill them. Before my mother remarried, it was only she and I. And my mother has stuck by me all though my life, she has been by my side anytime I ever needed her. She absolutely has been an incredible mother who I honestly could have not asked for better. My mother and I have seen hell and we have been there together and back on many occasions, but we together with the whole world against us, bravely pressed on and became ferocious in strength and rebuilt our lives together under the watchful eye of the Watchtower Bible Tract Society. Honestly who knows where I would be without her. I guess in a way I feel indebted to her and somehow my remaining in the 'truth' is part of fulfilling her dream and repaying her for all she has done for me. Unfortunately, I do not how to separate her dreams from my life. I feel obligated......responsible for her happiness. Absolutely torn. Nothing killed me more than when she cut a lock of my hair "to remember" me by on the night I was being announced. I had never seen her fall into a million pieces as she then did before my very eyes. I saw her heart rip out from her and I stood there hopelessly helpless......knowing that I had caused it. Never in my life would I ever cause such devastation intentionally, and here I just crushed my innocent mother under my foot.

    That night haunted me for months....truth be told, it still does, and the letters of pleading for my return under my apartment door were too much for me to bear. However, the days and weeks, months and years that I lead a perfunctory life only left me feeling hollow and barely in existence which too tortured me psychologically, emotionally, and affected me physically. I suffered for years from bulimia and clinical depression, I had absolutely no control over my life or anything in it, and the only thing constant was paranoia. After leaving the organization I took measures to better myself, to find myself, and to start over from scratch. The one and only time in my life that I had found inner peace was months after I left, mainly because for the first few months I suffered from increased paranoia and adjusting to the reality that I really was all alone. I had nothing and no one. My apartment and my job was all to my name. I adopted a little kitten and she became my family, my friend, and my confidant....and I eventually began to one by one pick myself up dust myself off and reintroduce me to myself and to life. No, not an easy task, but by far the smartest, and most essential move in order to remove the scales from my eyes. That is one of the many reasons that I feel so incredibly torn, because I know where my inner peace resides, however that is also the place that my heart breaks. How is it that an oasis can both be your haven and your hell? Much of my decision to return for my reinstatement is so that I can somehow merge the two and form a treaty of peace, and break the chains of spiritual confinement and be freed from the relentless torture of guilt and sorrow. But now that I have begun such, I fear that it may only be a matter of time before I will be faced with the crossroads of fulfillment of dream and repayment, or fulfillment of self and inner peace. So now while I stand here in my haven, I cry at night in my hell.

    There really are no answers that can form a direction in which I am to take that will soften the blows to either my heart or to my family's heart....namely my mother's. I can only hope and pray that God will fortify me with the determination I need, with the witnesses against me, to again bravely press on, ferocious in strength, and rebuild my life......under the grace of his mercy, forgiveness, compassion and love.

  • elm

    Hi and welcome safrieblu64,

    I was also a pioneer here in the uk, and I believed at the time I was doing the right thing, I was showing Jehovah that I loved and believed in him by going round the door's full time, attending all the meetings etc..

    But why when I was serving god did I feel so unhappy. Then I started to think for myself (which is never encouraged), and with the help of this site and everyone that post on here, I realized that I was following the watchtower's beliefs without question whether it was right or wrong.

    I like you and we wont be the last feel that I have wasted 25 years of my life. Taking one step at a time everyday is a new begging I'm not saying that everyday is easy, it's like starting to walk all over again, sometimes we fall and stumble, and sometimes we try to walk to fast.

    remember this you don't have to walk on your own everyone on here has something to offer and if you need a hand to hold now and again, I'm only a few words away, I have felt the guilt like you do and know that at times it is hard.

    Much Love Liz

  • Bungi Bill
    Bungi Bill

    Like you, I am new to this discussion board.

    I was involved with the JWs from a teenager (baptised in 1972), and during the last four years with them, was an MS.

    Increasingly, I felt I was being obligated to defend the indefensible. Probably, one of the final straws was an Awake article in 1991, about how far a JW is permitted to go in defending themselves from physical attack. At that stage, we were living in a high crime area; I had two teenage daughters, and the statistics for rape were extremely frightening. The "counsel" in this Awake article was impractical, to the point of being utterly ridiculous.

    - there is nothing like the cold light of day to wake you up to reality!

    There were plenty of other things I had been prepared to overlook and parrot The Party Line:

    - To name a few: Failure of Prophecy (1975 etc), the WTS downer on education (which had inflicted considerable hardship on me and my family).

    However, it got to the point just how long can you keep doing that? - and for what in return?

    This was not an easystep to take - like you, there was the matter of family - and to break with the JWs cost me my family.

    My JW background in a nutshell!


  • wobble

    Welcome, one and all !!!!!

    I was born in,and stayed in for 58 years until 2008. In my time I served briefly as a regular pioneer, often as a "vacation" poneer as it was known, and served for many years, on and off, as M.S, never Elder, always refused.

    I ceased F.S in 2007 as I could not see the 1914 doctrine as having any support in scripture.

    I walked away in 2008, no longer able to stomach the GB putting themselves in the position of Jesus.

    I then examined the WT religion in all aspects, and found it to be founded on lies, maintained by lies,fear and mind-control and about as far from the "Truth" as it is possible to be.

    It is interesting to use the search facility on here and look at similar threads to this, it seems that nearly everybody has a different "trigger" that finally made them leave,either mentally (some still attend) or in reality, but all felt that "things were not right", often for years before acting on the feeling.

    If there was just the one or two things wrong, then maybe it would be worth staying and working for change from within, but as the whole thing is rotten through and through, the old saying applies "You cannot polish a turd !"

  • Newborn

    Welcome Safire!

    I was born and raised a JW, I left 2y ago. I was so un-happy and stopped believing in a loving god. After that...it was like the curtains were opened in front of my eyes and I finallly saw "the truth" abt the whole thing. I'm soo grateful to be where I am today. FREE!!

    Good luck. I hope you can still be close to your mother. I understand it must be terrible for you. This is one of the most devious things abt the JW. They seperate families

    Write here as often as you like and feel the need to. We're here for each other.



  • zombie dub
    zombie dub

    At at even more unbearably boring than usual Tuesday night meeting I decided to read the book of Romans from start to finish as something to do.

    I had never read anything form start to finish before as I found there was never time to actually read anything besides the singles verses chucked around here and there, although JWs are meant to do their own bible reading I found with a full time job, 3 meetings a week, prep for those meetings, FS and all the other stuff to do I had zero free time, and if I did it was a saturday night at which time I just wanted to chill.

    Anyway, I read it and all and what I read didn't gel at all with the 'good news' JWs preach. Actually it seemed very loving and basically said 'try your best'. At that point something clicked.

    For years I'd put up with people acting badly, putting it down to imperfect behaviour, same for the obvious lack of love. Lots of things doctrinally didn't make sense, but I shelved them.

    I think reading Romans along with also studying the Revelation book at the time, where it was obvious the WT had no idea what it was talking about, made me realise JWs didn't have the truth at all.

    I was set to move congs as had just got married, missed some meetings due to the wedding, then honeymoon, then was ill for a bit - it resulted in about 6 weeks away and enough to shake off the brainwashing.

    I looked into some of the doctrines in more detail, which ended up in proving to myself that the whole thing was made up, and then by extension realising that the bible was just as made up, and ended up agnostic.

  • OnTheWayOut

    When I came in as a young adult, I had previous exposure to JW's thru my JW mother when I was little. It was the only real pathway to God that I knew.
    I came in thinking that God had spared me for proclaiming Armageddon shortly. All the pieces were in place what with the 1914 generation being so old (late 80's) and the 1975 excuse about how long after Adam until Eve was created, hence the delay.

    I know that sounds like I joined for a shorthaul and needed Armageddon soon. But it ain't my fault that this is the basic cult formula for entrapping people.

    Anyway, I became an elder right before the 1995 change in "this generation." It shattered my delusion just enough to say that I needed to assume I was going to die "in this system" and needed to make changes in my short-term style of living. I allowed my wife (yes, as a JW I had control over that) to go to college and put all my effort into getting a career instead of just another job.

    Although it took really ten more years to fully open my eyes enough to know there was more problems than "the generation," that was the key. A series of injustices caused me to further question the WTS, then I went to a District Convention where a GB member was speaking. I realized I didn't even know his name and I was promoting the GB teachings every week. I finally had enough nerve to simply Google "Jehovah's Witnesses" and found what outsiders were saying about them.

    I resigned as an elder and faded quickly. It's a strain as my wife is still a JW, but we have a strong marriage. I am a wee bit cautious about my anti-JW life because my JW mother has indicated that she won't shun me as long as I am not DF'ed or DA'ed.

    If I hadn't faded out beforehand, the 2008 flip from "wicked generation" to "anointed generation" would have caused me to say "WTF" and walk out of the Kingdom Hall. The "overlap generation" is laughable.

  • designs


    I remember the brothers huddleing over the 1995 'Generation' change, it was so obvious an about face but everyone was trying to put a spin on it rather than face the ultimate conclusion that we had been Had once again.

    All the best with your family, its a delicate walk on eggshells at times.

  • LV101

    nothing made sense -- no love, the EVIL, dirty cliques, GOSSIP, jealousy, envies, heavy burdens heaped on members and if the good news was so important and the end so close --- why the hay weren't they broadcasting on radio/tv. a couple of them seemed quite knowledgeable w/bible and this was impressive and hung on trying to learn. hated the clone brainwashing -- type of house/where to shop to fit in. being hounded to help losers out (pioneers) who were too lazy to work.


  • safireblu64

    Thank you all for sharing your stories.... please keep sharing because we are all in some way or another relating to each other, and leaning on each other is what is going to get us through these horror and slowly but surely we will derive the strength from each other to rebuild our lives, and that is the aggape love that Jesus was talking about.

    Love and blessings to all.

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