I have been raised a Jehovah's Witness and when I was 25 years old I decided to try and discover things for myself. Something just was not sitting right with me. I had been a publisher since I was 4 years old and I gave my first talk when I was 6 years old. I was baptized at the tender age of 10, and every year I auxiliary pioneered and then at age 18 became a regular pioneer. Although I hate to say it, something just was not right. Anytime I thought I found something that was contradictory to what the bible says, or I felt that there were doctrines being added to the bible, or taken from between the lines of the scriptures, I was told that it was Satan that was making me think these things, and that If I were to listen to these things that it would make me apostate.
Eventually, at the age of 25 years old I simply found myself leading a perfunctory life, simply going through the motions that were expected of me. I have always had an extremely close relationship with my family, my mother was my best friend, and needless to say when I left it was absolutely devastating. I lost my family and my friends and everything that I had built my life around, and everything I had ever known.
I see the folly in leaving Jehovah, and leaving the bible. I certainly was more in darkness when I had absolutely no spiritual direction and I fully admit that. But even though I long to do what is right and to live my life by the bible and according to Jehovah's standards, I am absolutely beside myself trying to find the real truth. The guilt was far too much for me to handle in terms of leaving my family, I was constantly reminded that I "left" my family, I "disowned" my family....when I swear I didn't. I just didn't know who I truly was I only knew what people wanted me to be. It was so horrible, I was constantly tortured in my own personal hell. No one will listen to me, no one would hear me, no one would save me. I've tried to talk to my mother time and time again but it's absolutely futile. She is a regular pioneer and has told me she trusts the WTBS with her life! She defends them to a fault. So I decided that living without my family is far too much for me and they are so set in their ways and faith that they will never waiver and just accept me into their lives without sharing their beliefs....actually...their title and as an accepted sister within the congregation.
I am currently engaged to a wonderful man who has been coming to the meetings with me, but there are things that have been bothering me to great lengths. There are teachings of the JW doctrine that I simply cannot explain to myself, let alone my fiance and his family. I see a lot of contradiction and I see a lot of twisting but I am deathly afraid of saying anything or thinking anything. I want nothing more to just get reinstated so that I can be with my family again. I'd even keep going to the meetings but I just cannot shake that I see things simply because I'm on the outside looking at the big picture. I keep thinking that if my mother were to just step outside with me and look with the open mind I have that she too would realize a lot of things.
I am so confused as to who is right and who is wrong. There seems to be so much importance attached to who is right. The Witnesses proclaim that they are the righteous and anyone who is not them is simply unrighteous unless they come to accept the teachings of the bible as they have accepted them. I find that almost egotistical. I am sorry to say that, but I thought Jesus died for ALL of mankind. Even though the Witnesses project a humble demeanor toward their neighbour and each other, as well as in the Kingdom Hall, did Jesus not say that he who exalts himself will be humiliated but he who humbles himself will be exalted??? Is not proclaiming to be "the ones whose worship God approves, and whose prayers are heard" exalting oneself?? Is that not right away in direct contradiction to what the bible itself says??? I'm sorry but I just do not know why there is so much importance and emphasis on who is right and who is wrong. It almost seems that in contrast to their humble demeanor that their proclamation of the things they do and they things they are no part of is almost like boasting. Shouldn't the only thing mattering be that they uphold Jehovah's Sovereignty, Jesus as King, and look to Jesus as ruler of God's coming new kingdom rather than looking to man made governments? As you can see I still have a lot of questions.....and yes they have an answer for everything, but when you think about the answers...even as cleverly thought out that they are, and even as subtle as their power of suggestion can be.....that answer only raises yet another question and in the end...it's simply a cleaver answer to hopefully shut you up. Pardon me for saying that so abruptly.
Almost every religion claims to be the "right" one. I am simply beside myself trying to figure out where I am suppose to go. I am terrified of being one of the ones that in final day says " Lord Lord, didn't I prophesy in your name, perform many powerful works in your name, and expel demons in your name?" and for Jesus to cast me off as a worker of lawlessness.
All I want is the truth. No bribes, no gimmics, no guilt trips, no scare tactics.....I simply want to know what the bible requires.
Can anyone give me any answers??? What are we all to do? It's not a matter of not loving God, Jehovah and Jesus and the holy spirt, and all that is responsible for inspiring the bible and the scriptures but I am beside myself trying to figure out where I am to go. Where am I to take my children, or do I need to take them anywhere? Is there such a thing has a reformed Jehovah's Witness? Or just deciples of Christ? Please help.