Hello. I've been poking around this site for a couple weeks, and found it interesting reading other people's experiences. Before I start, I just want to mention that I still have high anxiety about the religion and do not want to be thought of as apostate. I just wanted to share my story.
I'm an only child that was raised as a JW. Before I was born my mom got baptized so that my dad would marry her. Besides attending the occasional meeting and Memorial, she was not practicing. My dad on the other hand was as serious of a JW as you could imagine. Still to this day I've never met somebody with more of a pure heart than my dad. He was genuinely a good human being, doing what he thought was best. Growing up, my dad engrained the religion into me and used heavy amount of scare tactics. Example: telling me graphic stories about JW's being persecuted by Nazi's and that the same thing was going to happen to me, and that it was a shame that we'd be in the NS without my mom. This is all very heavy info, after all I was just a boy. In his mind, he was just preparing me because he wanted me to stay strong and make it. I did listen intensely to these stories and believed, which I'm pretty certain lead to my severe anxiety and panic attacks. I remember as a child watching the news and having panic attacks.
My dad always nudged me to get baptized but I always put it off, mostly because I had anxiety about being in front of everyone in the pool. Around the age of 15 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol with my other witness friends. I remember partying at the age and just hoping Armageddon would not start. I always made a promise to myself that when I was done with my "party phase" that I'd get back on track. Well, that never really happened. I had two stinks in my early twenties of going back to meeting and studying. I'm 32 now and have known for the last few years that I would not go back. I would get my weekly call from my dad telling me to get back into the truth because the end was SO close. This obviously did not help with my anxiety issues.
My folks, like many, did not prepare at all for their financial future. My dad was a painter (construction type) and never expected to get old. As my parents entered their 60's it was quite sad to see. My dad's body was starting to break down from the lifetime of hard labor and they were falling deeper into debt. It was a vicious cycle because they were basically living off loans and my dad could not longer work full time. My dad was also suffering from heart problems, which I contribute greatly to eating fast food all the time, due to it being cheap and quick.
As I mentioned the financial issues were adding up. In 2008 my dad committed suicide. He had a life insurance plan, and figured this was the only way to help my mom. I was in complete shock for months. My dad was such a firm believer and I could never imagine him even allowing doubting thoughts enter his mind. (He was also fearful of the internet, so I don't think he read anything online). He was the last person I could ever imagine killing themselves.
I always knew that my dad felt such great disappointment that I was not a practicing JW. He basically groomed me as a child to either become a pioneer or go to bethel. I don't blame myself for his death, but it did hurt me profoundly when he wrote in his suicide letter that he was a "lousy father."
Now that I'm in my early thirties I feel like I have catching up to do. I started going back to college part time and just try to move forward with my life. Thanks for reading my story.