Depression, getting tired, conscience slowly stripping my sanity away.

by easyreader1970 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • easyreader1970

    Hi, folks. It's been a while since I've posted here. I've been trying to figure out a way to live inside my mind.

    I'm not going to post my entire history again, but here's the deal.

    I am a baptized, card-carrying forty-year-old Borg member. I no longer believe in a god of any kind. I am an atheist. I tried to leave the Witnesses when I was 23, was guilted and shamed by my mother into not doing so, convinced myself that there was some value to the Witnesses, and remained one. I did a decent job of blocking out logic and not critically thinking for a few years until my brain threatened to implode under the pressure.

    I have been dealing with depression lately, and very painfully so. Last year, though I didn't actually contemplate it to the point that I tried to find ways to do it, I thought about suicide. People said it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem but I didn't (and still don't) see this problem as temporary.

    I have three kids and a wife. I not only despise the Witnesses, but all religion. I think that it is a blight on humanity. The problem is that I love my wife and kids. My wife, like the rest of my family, has given themselves over to the Lie and allow their thoughts to be one with the Borg. My wife is a Zealot and she would let them cut her heart out on an altar in the Kingdom Hall if they asked her to.

    Some people have suggested just going through with the eventual divorce that would occur, but I really don't want to put my kids out like that, either. Either I stick around in excrutiating mental pain, but be a father to my kids or this ends in disaster. I can see them on weekends or a couple of times per week, but that's not what I want. And I'd never get custody, what with no support system. My wife has her family and mine to help her support them whereas I have nobody but myself. I'd rather it not come to that.

    My wife doesn't care about thinking critically or science. She's otherwise a very intelligent person, as many Witnesses are. She's never going to "come around" to my way of thinking. The kids I think eventually will see the Lie for what it is. They are open to my preaching to them about scientific things.

    But back to me. I feel my life slipping away day by day. I have lost all joy and all interest in just about everything. I just try to make it through each day. I've not gone to a therapist of any kind because there isn't much point. I already know what the source is. I just can't stop it without making a bigger crater. The depression of ruining my family and "joint custody" of my kids doesn't seem like a better fate.

    I no longer have pleasant suicidal thoughts of me just being permanently at rest. I have this depressing vision of my growing old in a world that I can't fully partake of or enjoy.

    And I've even tried to look up psychological information of how prisoners cope with life sentences, but I've not been able to find anything. The only information I have found is on prisoners who will eventually be released. This is discomforting to me.

    EDIT: I would like to also point out that my sister's ex-husband left the Lie a couple of years ago. He left my sister and their daughter. He sees her once a month and during holidays and this is what I am trying to avoid. I don't want the family destroyed. Further, both his family and my family hate him. He is little better than Satan himself in their eyes. But he seemed to be okay with that, went and got remarried to another woman, moved to a different city, etc. I can't see myself doing that, not in a million years.

  • penny2

    easyreader, so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any answers but many others are experiencing similar problems if this board is anything to go by.

    I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist because you need to be able to talk to someone about your problems. Even though a therapist can't change your situation, they may be able to offer suggestions on coping or how to see things in a different light.

    Thinking of you.


  • cyberjesus

    easy I hear you. Are you taking any medication? When I went to the lowest point I had to take it and that helped a lot. I understand, I am sending you my phone number, call me and we can talk on the phone.

  • lisaBObeesa

    Look, I don't think she can leave you for leaving the witnesses. What if you stopped going to meetings, but didn't talk about why? You can stay married (and in your kids lives) AND be 'innactive'.

  • flipper

    EASYREADER 1970- I'm sorry you are going through such a depressing time. Like Lisa said you can stay married to your wife- just don't go to the mind controlling meetings. There are som, or many, on the board here who still have believing JW spouses. True it is NOT easy - but your saving grace is that your minor children listen to you expound scientific reasoning with them. Many of the younger generation jW's are leaving the cult. The % is 2 out of 3 born and raised in leave between ages 18 & 35. 66 % . Some of your children probably will as well entering adulthood. Don't give up hope. They will need YOU their father to be there for them if your wife started shunning them for their views.

    In regards to getting professional counseling- don't be so quick to dismiss the importance of that ! Many here on the board have needed a professionally trained & college educated Psychologist or therapist. There is no shame in doing that to save you sanity, marriage, or family relationships. Be sure to get a therapist who understands the workings and dynamics of cult mind control. That will be essential.

    I wish you the best friend. Please get some help. I'll PM you my number also if you ever want to talk and need a friend. Hang in there and take care

  • flipper

    Easyreader- You have a PM. Check it. Thanks ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • jamiebowers

    I remember you well and have frequently thought of you. You know you have major depression and that the cult is the source. Now find a therapist who is familiar with cults and can help you sort out your life. I would think that the first thing he or she will do is to help you establish enough of a sense of self to where you don't care what people, (especially cult mind controlled wingnuts!), think of you.

    Once you start treatment and, more than likely, medication, you will have a legitimate reason to stop attending meetings and field service. Aside from your wife, all you have to say is that you have health problems. If your wife can't accept that, then she has bigger issues than the Watchtower. Please get help. If for no other reason, do it for your kids. Living as you are now, you're teaching them not to be true to themselves.

    Good luck. Please keep posting.

  • lisavegas420

    You're playing the lead role in your life. ...there is no dress rehearsal.


  • thenoblelodge

    How many more lives is this cult going to destroy.

    You have been offered good advice and support from some very experienced posters, please listen to them.

    You are not on your own, don't ever feel that.


  • Lozhasleft

    I agree with some of the suggestions here...rather than staying in as you are and dying inside...surely by using the 'depression' you could retreat from the Org's activity but continue to reassure your wife and kids that you love them? In itself that wouldnt bring the elders and the family down on your head...and although you'd have to be assertive that 'at the moment you need to back off from the pressure in the Org, and you dont want to discuss it' would give you the breathing space for as long as you could keep it up and enable you to stay with your family....

    It would mean living yet another double life of course and you'd have to restrain your desire to express your real opinions and feelings about the Org, and that may seriously inhibit you finding peace ...but its another option to staying in and coping with the current mental torture.

    Stories like yours make me so angry - decent people having to face such terrible choices to hold onto loved ones and their dignity....its so despicable....please consider getting a counsellor of some type so that you can share this with someone in safety to give you some release....


    Loz x

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