Feeling really sad

by NiceDream 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • NiceDream

    My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We were married really young, and tried to make the best of it. Recently, I began listening to my lingering doubts and realized I've been so unhappy because I was living a lie. The "truth" isn't the truth to me anymore.

    The other night, my husband said "if this isn't the truth, then I don't think there is any truth." He said he wasn't sure if he was saying that because he was in a bad place or not. I told him it was ok to have questions, and that we could research together, because I feel the same way. I then told him about blood transfusions and he left because his brain couldn't take it anymore.

    We then had our DC, and although we arrived late and missed part of the sessions all 3 days, he still felt fortified by it. We took turns walking around with our child, so I didn't think he got much out of it as he was barely in his seat.

    He doesn't go on service, doesn't do any personal study, no family studies, no daily text, sporadic meeting attendance, but he prays at meals. I finally asked him why he doesn't do more if he feels it's the truth and he had no answer. A few years ago I asked him to study with me because I was feeling spiritually weak and he wouldn't. I'm not blaming him though, because I know I'm responsible for myself.

    He then told me that he's unhappy in our marriage, and that I wasn't the same person he knew before we got married. After we got married he thought I was miserable (which I was). I told him that's because I was trying to be someone I wasn't. My parents didn't make me go on service every Saturday like his parents did, and like he expected me to. I went on service with him, but I guess not enough.

    After our wedding night, we moved to another city where we had no friends. I went from living at home to being a wife and wasn't prepared. It took some time to adjust, I was only 19 and never did my own laundry before! For the most part we got along great.

    My husband doesn't know how to communicate, and he realizes he needs to work on that. He had to be quiet growing up because his Dad worked at night. And he had no friends in high school because he could only be friends with Witness kids.

    I feel really sorry for him, and really do love him. I want our marriage to work, but I don't know if it's possible. We have a child, and I don't want to put our child through divorce. My child adores my husband and I didn't want to take that away.

    Thank you for listening to my rant! I feel so trapped right now.

  • laverite

    NiceDream -

    Hugs to you and your family! Marrying at 19 is so incredibly young. I have only recently started posting on this site, but I have found many wonderful people here who bring comfort and provide support. I am completely confident that there will be many people here who provide you with much needed support. You aren't alone. There are others who share your experience, too. I'm not in a relationship and I'm gay. So I don't have any special words of wisdom for you based on any experiences I've had that might be helpful.

    I just wanted to say welcome and to send a hug your way.


  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    The primary doctrine is that the WT was selected to be God's sole channel of communication. As long as he believes that, he will be in conflict with himself and is in danger of jumping right back in boots and all, and turning his brain off to anything that contradicts that doctrine.

    Target that doctrine. Gently. Gently. Gently. Gently. Gently. Don't frighten him off discussing it with you.



  • tec

    I want our marriage to work,

    Does your husband? I'm not asking to be short with you. I'm sincere. Has he expressed any thoughts about wanting to end things - or fix things?


  • cyberjesus

    do both of you still believe the JWs to be "the truth"?

  • NiceDream

    Thank you for the replies. My husband still wants our marriage to work, but thinks it will be difficult because he views me as an unbeliever. I told him that I still believe in God and the Bible and everything, I just had the question about the operation of the Holy Spirit and the latest generation change.

    He still believes it's "the truth" and I don't. He doesn't want me to ask the elders my question because he feels like they don't have any different information on the generation change then we know.

  • Lozhasleft

    Nice Dream - Oh dear its understandable that you're sad. To be fair though your hubby doesnt seem to be so strong in the 'truth' himself either. He may be disappointed with both of you as well as possibly the Org itself?

    If you love him and think he loves you I think its worth the fight, personally, like you say there is a child involved here too. I would suggest that for now you shelve the discussions re the Org and as BS said go slowly, and let him learn for himself...but meanwhile

    Focus on being happy with him...start talking more....do things together and as a family...show him you love him....make the time outside meetings really pleasant and good as best you can....I hope it will re-energize your marriage and you can build on that....

    Loz x

  • jamiebowers

    Did the two of you have any commonalities aside from being jw before you were married? If so, build on those. If not, find things you can do together and as a family. Srengthen your bond first. Then read Combatting Cult Mind Control, and work on helping your husband to think critically. If the two of you work at it, you'll be okay.

  • cyberjesus

    your present is most likely what is gonna be your future. we wait and wait for things to change but the only thing we can really change is our present. One good thing to ask yourself is: are you ok with your present? can you live the rest of your life like this? only you know the answer to that question.

  • NiceDream

    Thank you for all the advice. I will keep working on things slowly and gently. He is a very critical thinker, but it turns off when it comes to "the truth." I'll focus on our family and try to strengthen our bond and see what happens.

    CyberJesus (I like your name), that is a really good question and a difficult one to answer. I'll have to think about it some more.

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