Parents who can't see the truth about their kids

by MMXIV 22 Replies latest jw friends

  • tec

    Just to add: Dealing with it as a family is working wonders. I am amazed at how little it actually takes to turn a child around. (I mean, it is a lot - but it is so worth it to actually see noticeable and immediate results. To see that my son has lost the resentful/angry/defensive look that had just become a part of his face.)


  • wasblind

    That is so wonderful that you and your family are working it out

    and that your son is in a better place because of it.

  • tec

    Thank you, Wasblind.



    Thanks Tammy,

    Really good advice. I was thinking it was already a lost cause but clearly not! Just the small problem of the parents doing something about it. My ability to influence, however, is zero. I'm non blood relative and as an ex-JW have been partially shunned by these JW's. Said something they didn't like a while ago and got ignored for 3 years - and that was when a JW so likely to get cut-off if I go past pleasantries.

    Thankfully this is suburban UK so no guns anywhere.

    The dad is totally an emotional abuser - nasty piece of work - not sure if violent or not - certainly nothing I could go to local authorities with. Don't think he believes the truth - always trying to get out of meetings, ministry and at best does the minimum but loves it as a way of controlling people so will never leave - and one of the most pious people I've ever met. Shocking role model.

    Next time I see the kid I'll try and get his attention and keep him interested in something - if he knows there are people out there that are kind to him - may help in the future.


  • tec

    MMXIV - I think that's the best you can do from the outside. Don't give up on him - even if he seems to treat you with resentment and disrespect; how could he know any better than what he's shown at seven years old. If he continues on his path, he may end up doing something that will grab the attention of the police anyway. Hopefully while he is young enough that someone can intervene WITHOUT any kind of record or juvie type situation.

    Sometimes the involvement of the police is a BIG wake up call for parents. But most of the time those same parents have to be willing to work with worldlies to help their child.

    I feel for the boy. I really do.

    Just do what you can - and remember to always keep your calm, even if those around him are not. Show a real interest, and set the best example you can on the few times you are around him. Sometimes the smallest thing gives them something to think about.


  • wantstoleave

    There could be many reasons for his behaviour. Could come from low self esteem, simply being bored because he is intelligent or perhaps a learning disability such as autism. Autism, high functioning, exhibits in many ways. I know autistic kids who are so bright but yet so bored at school that they lash out. It can be solved by addressing their sensory needs. He needs an outlet, and for him the only way he can control it is to lash out in violence. Given a different outlet, he may stop what he's doing. He could also be reacting to things at home, or perhaps even in the classroom. What is he like with his teacher? Do they have a good relationship?


    update: I've looked after my nephew now for a few full days and taken your advice - worked hard to try and build self esteem. Did lots of fun activities, praised the good things that he'd done and when he tried to create an issue so as to go into a tantrum I distracted him. Exhausting especially given how little he wanted to contribute.

    Sadly the one overriding factor was how aggressive he was. He'd scream, throw himself around, hit himself hard frequently. When playing near other children he'd move towards them and then try and knock them over. The other children were always much smaller than him - he never tried it with kids his own size. We fed animals and then behind my back he threw stones at them. As a little girl came down the slide he threw sand in her face.

    These were all things he did whilst enjoying a nice day. The grandparents quickly got defensive when his behaviour was drawn to their attention. In fact they came out with some BS that it had just started in the last week - but clearly he's been a bully for a long time.

    I won't give up on him but I'm left in a bad mood after the time I've spent with him. Not because he's so destructive, unhelpful, ungrateful, negative, exhausting - all of which are a result of how he's been brought up, but ultimately because I don't feel his parents really care or his grandparents care. In fact I get in trouble for pointing out what he's like - they think I'm negative and got it in for him??!!

    Should I be making an issue with the grandparents about what a bad example he must be as a JW kid? Is that the only way I can get through to them? (I don't want to bring up the JW thing if I can help it - no knowing what that'll unleash).



  • carla

    While I agree with what has already been said, counseling, etc.... I would add my personal opinion is that jw's teach arrogance and maybe the boy is picking up on that too. Add persecution, the childs own fears, feelings of both insecurity (his own) and superiority (only jw's are worthy, all his school mates are dead meat), parents excusing it all and you will have a bully. Childhood in the jw's can really be hell can't it?

  • AwSnap

    I was a bully. I used to watch those Jerry Springer episodes when theyd send the kids to boot camp, and I'd cry when nobody was looking. Everybody said how awful those kids were (and me), but was it really my fault? I had no control of my raging temper, but my parents gave me junk food all the time. Milk, ice cream, chocolate...etc. There was no consistency in my discipline. One day, everything would be fine. The next day, I'd do the same thing and get my butt whipped like crazy.

    These days, when I see bullies, I look straight to the parents. And, of course, if JWs are involved....THATS..A...BIGGIE.

    btw-i'm not a bully anymore

  • Caedes
    He hasn't been exposed to violent video games or TV

    No child has become a bully due to playing violent video games. Sad that this kind of nonsense is trotted out so regularly, even more so when this particular case has nothing to do with video games by the OP's own admission.

    If a parent doesn't know what their kids are playing that is always a failure of parenting, blaming 'violent video games' is a lazy cop out.

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