Saddening and Inspiring...

by IronHill 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • IronHill

    Ok, so we received our new copy of Crisis of Conscience (since my previous copy was lent out and never returned) and me and the wifey have been reading it together for the past couple nights. I have read the book before, and know the shock felt when you read about certain things in the organization. My wife hadn't read it, and was curious, mostly because everyone here was saying it was an important book to read.

    Even though we both decided to disassociate 3 months ago, my reasons were more because I know the witnesses dont have the truth, while hers were more because she felt restrained by the religion. She admits to having lingering thoughts and feelings of guilt for leaving perhaps the only true religion. Last night I was witness to something I myself experienced, but have never observed in anyone else. See when I read CoC I remember the shock, disbelief, anger and loneliness that came from learning the truth about the "truth". I have since moved on and accepted and have been happier no longer feeling captive to that religion. My wife was not there yet. After we finished a chapter last night, she asked me to stop, and sat pensative for a minute. She then went through a roll of emotions, anger, sadness, shock and realization. Her anxiety went out of control, she felt a wave of fear, and loneliness and ultimately cried. All I could do was hold her and let her cry, assuring her that this was the scary part of letting go but that things would eventually get better. This was the difficult part, but after this it will all melt away. The fear, the guilt, the feelings of this organization being directed by God.

    I remember going through those emotions alone, angry and upset, crying by myself, feeling betrayed. I feel for her, because I understand what she's going through, but at the same I'm glad I'm here to help her through it, and to make sure she's ok.

    It was an emotional evening for us, and I just wanted to share.

  • snowbird

    Thanks for sharing. I went through similar emotions after reading CofC.

    Anger, shock, horror, and then, finally, unbelievable sadness.


  • Quandry

    It is great that you have each other.

    It is theraputic to talk, and talk, and talk.

    Take things slow. It is hard to digest all at once. I remember the range of emotions, also. Mainly the great sadness, as snowbid said.

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    Unpleasant as it is, you do have to go through those emotions and you come out the other side feeling liberated. Thanks for sharing. NMKA

  • IronHill

    no more kool aid - That's exactly what I said to her last night. It's the first step of recovery!

    snowbird and Quandry - I too remember the sadness...and even though I no longer feel it for myself, I am still sad for those in my family who are still in.

  • mrsjones5

    I know it's heartbreaking for some. I have total empathy for the sadness. Being raised in it and I guess not that deeply tied to it (though some aspects of my life are still controlled by it, i.e. family), what I felt the first time I read that book was relief, sweet relief combined with anger and frustration because my parents and other members of my extended family are never going to leave the madness and I can't do a damn thing about it.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    How wonderful that she is taking these steps and that she has you to support her. Don't worry if she wavers a bit. it will settle down

  • IronHill

    mrsjones - I know exactly what you mean!

    Lady Lee - Thanks for your words. I experienced those feelings alone (my family thought I was crazy), so I definitely understand where she's at, and am here for her.

  • snowbird
  • LoriJis

    This is the wifey....i have to admit this has been a real eye opener for me. Like my husband said I was feeling guilty for leaving and deep down still believed somewhere maybe it was still the "truth" but at least I was doing what I wanted with my life when I DA'd - which was hard to do. But after last night, I am so shocked and hurt that I don't believe it. This was only chapter 3 (i think). I can imagine once we finish the book how I am going to feel. My husband told me that it's something I have to go through and honestly, I have a lot more respect for all of you who told me to read it and said how it's changed your life. I will soon get there and feel the liberation all of you feel (i hope)....

    I am thankful my husband is there with me through this.. It would be hard alone and I feel sad that he (as many of you) had to do it alone.

    Will keep you updated......

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