by billie jean 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • billie jean
    billie jean

    Hi, I haven't used this for a long time, due to the feeling of not needing to. I've been getting on with life, fine, for some time now. so been out 10 years, parents and other family still in.

    Well I guess I'm just asking how you cope, really, my family are becoming worse with me, and my son, (who has autism), little by little, and just the general putting the JW life before everything else, including me, my child, life in general, simple things and keeping us at arms length, it's really hard, as i have a relative trying to dig dirt on me, spreading it round the family in order to try and cause more upset for me.

    So just a simple question, on how you've all coped in this situation.


  • RR

    Everyone copes differently ... like me, I could care less, I left in 1994, never looked back, left my whole life behind, friends and family, I have a niece and nephew I have not seen since they were in diapers. Out of sight, out of mind.


  • MsDucky

    For me, I'm having a hard time cutting the cord on my twin daughters. We were close before they became baptized Witnesses. Over the last three years, they've become more distant. I don't see them often and when they do come around they're not the same children that I knew. Sometimes, it feels like they're strangers; but when my other daughters are around they kind of let down their guard and talk about old times. They laugh and have fun.

    I have to learn to look at it as if they have grown up and went on with their lives. It's hard; but with time I think that I won't be so upset about it.

    I don't know what to tell you. You have to find your own comfort space with or without your family. I guess, in time, you will make a new life with new family and friends.

    I'm still working on it. For some of us, we may never stop wanting a relationship with our closest family members. I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more help.

  • quietlyleaving

    good question Billie Jean. I have a few things I enjoy that I can engross myself in till the cloud passes over and it does eventually. They bother me less and less nowadays but like you I still want to stay close to my family.

  • nelly136

    on one side of my dysfunctional jw family i found the less i saw of them the more i liked it. so i dfd them and moved. its been over 10 years and my only regret was i didnt do it years sooner.

    but everyones different, what works for one doesnt work for all.

  • Balsam

    So long as your not disf'ed or disassociated the JW's will never leave you alone. I've seen them dog and spy on witnesses that haven't gone to meetings or service in 10 years. Their self-righteous idea of themselves prevent them from caring about you or keeping you in the fold. Sorry for the trouble but that is how it works. I was disf'ed 9 years ago and no longer have any contact with any of them. I did manage to get my two sons out of it, their disf'ed too.

    Leaving our loved ones is the hardest thing you'll ever do, and learning that your loved ones love you less than you love them is heartbreaking. That is what cults do to families.


  • mrsjones5

    I have keep my parents at arm's length. Speaking to my mother only depresses me, hubby says I'm out of sorts for days after talking to her and he's right. I don't need the meaness and the snide remarks right now so I don't talk to her. My father's not much of a talker but he's so hardcore dub right now that it's hard to be in the same room with the man.

    I've got better things to do, like take care of my man and my family. This board and the friends and family I have on the outside are my comfort and support.

  • exwhyzee

    The situation you describe is probably the hardest thing about making any big change in ones life, especially a change that tugs on the heartstrings as much as religious beliefs do. Getting ones friends and family to allow you to move out of the "You" they are comfortable with and into the "You" that you are now is a difficult thing especially if they have been taught to purposely shun those who make any changes in regard to God that they don't agree with. The more you protest or try to explain, the worse you make yourself look to people who don't know both sides of the story. (this is why the British royals never explain or appologize for themselves on anything.)

    You said you have been getting along fine for the past 10 years. Take a look at what has changed to make you feel differently and address that thing or those things specifically. You can't force anyone to accept you, in fact the more you try and the more you want them to, stengthens their original resolve.

    It seems like there are 4 choices.

    1. Go on as you have been and hope they come around. Get to a place where this shunning business is truly irrelivent to you and only something of meaning to this small group of people you once knew. Try hard to understand where they are in thier own personal development that allows them to treat you this way and behave toward them (whenever contact is possible) as you would have if none of this had happened.

    2. Go back and be who they want you to be because you have revaluated everything and now truly think they do have the truth and you have come to appreciate the value in it.

    3. Go back and be who they want you to be because the benefits are worth it even if you don't agree with everyting. Who says they have to be or ever have been 100% right or that you have to be a 100% in agreement with the current understandings. After all God knows our hearts and he knows what it is like for you in this situation.

    4. Go on as you have been and do everything you can think of (without appearing too pathetic or needy) to win them over. But remember, no one wants to be part of someone elses strategy to acheive an end result. This is what they have been doing to you with the whole shunning business.

    With each choice there are pros and cons...rewards and sacrafices. Life is a muddle at best and most people are doing the best they can, calling the shots as they see them and hoping for the best.

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    Hi Billie, I know how you feel, it is like the ultimate rejection. I expected friendships to change but didn't really expect the withdraw of parents and in laws, especially from the children to the extreme that it has been!

    Since I can't change my parents and other extended family members. I've tried to change my attitude. I view them as the pathetic brainwashed people that they are. My parents have missed out on their grandchildren finally getting a life, sporting events, band concerts, parties, birthdays, prom and graduation. How sad, it really is their loss. NMKA

  • WuzLovesDubs

    How very loving of them to, instead of trying to build you up, are trying to dig up dirt on you to make you what....want to RUN BACK? Is that what someone is supposed to do to encourage someone to come back? JWs have the mentality that they are personally in charge of ruining the lives of anyone who dares to question, or god forbid LEAVE the Borg and life the life God gave them! They are miserable human beings and wont rest until they can take someone else down and make them miserable too.

    Your best revenge is to live a good full life with your children. Show your kids that the opinions of others dont matter and people who find fault with you or them are just very unhappy themselves and should be pitied.

    You cant change them...but you can put up protective walls around yourselves including not allowing them access to your children. That is your right.


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