by wannabefree 28 Replies latest jw friends
Reading the post "how long did it take you to leave", I can't help but be envious of those of you who refer to leaving as a "we" event.
I know it has been said that women tend to react to feelings/emotions along with logic, can you help me with ideas that got you to feel something was wrong? What should I work on planting with my wife?
Thanks.
For me my husband discussed the 607 date thing with me and showed me a bunch of secular proofs. It was just enough that made me understand the 1914 date was wrong and made me uncomfortable to go out and preach it. My conscience bothered me and I kept putting off preaching and with all that time on my hands I started investigating other things. It was easier for me cause i missed a few meetings because of it and not a single bro or sis called to check up on me so the lack of christian love, me being away from the hall some time, and the evidence I was finding against the organization was what sent me down a whole scary new path. I would say it was a good three months before I could admit out loud what I was being taught was a lie. Thats kinda my short summery. I pray the best for your wife!!
Things that worked on me was first the lack of freedom of conscience . My conscience said treat my df'd family members still like family ,but of course that is not approved by the society .
The thought that one day one of my son's might become df'd, and I would be expected to shun them tore me up inside .
The dishonesty of the no blood policy ....when in fact it now is all fractions are acceptable ,but we still don't take blood ......That kind of dishonesty that could make someone lose their life over a stupid manmade rule really ticked me off . I was mostly mad at myself for believing it so long, and putting my life, and that of my childrens in jeopardy.
Over the years is was becoming clearer and clearer that this was a society of men taking emphasis away from Jesus, and elevating themselves .
Unhappiness over the fact I was never going to be able to be considered good enough .
The first time it was because I didn't like how I felt after my judicial meeting (about something that happened over a year before, private reproofing). My ex (an elders son) came out without scratches, but I felt really embarrassed and exposed and that they asked unnecessary questions. It made me very uncomfortable to be in the same room as them all. My ex was able to comment in no time at all, and no one treated him any differently. It really bothered me! I was annoyed I had to go through that, because I felt like everyone has a 'dirty little secret' even the elders, and who were they to judge me? It left a really bad taste in my mouth, and I did not want to go back, or talk to the elders that were on my committee when they came to see me at my home and work. I was glad to move.
The second time, I had been going for a few months to a new congregation where no one knew me. There was something about the material that was being covered that really bugged me. I guess because I had been away for over 2 or 3 years I was used to thinking for myself. It just seemed like no matter what the discourse was, all I heard was rules. The same rules I heard when I was younger. Dress and grooming, not marrying an unbeliever, go in service, no fornication... it was the same scriptures, the same topics, the same ideas... That kinda bugged me. Not that I was looking for new light- but I wanted to be educated more in the scriptures. When they would quote a scripture, I could easily recall what it said without looking- because they were read so often. It bothered me that all the talks were the same, I wanted to have someone just pick a random scripture and talk about it, not refer to a study article or footnote in an Awake! But everything was still the same. I remember hearing that the JW's are great because they use their bible so much (that came from a talk), but I didn't feel like they were. It also bugged me how everyone would ask if I had studied my Watchtower and my Ministry School stuff, my bookstudy, bible highlights, personal study... I had NO time to read the bible for myself. I felt like I was bombarded with articles of how to think, and act, and speak. Not to mention, someone volunteered to 'study' with me. She told me not going in service made me blood guilty- so I would have to make myself go to please Jehovah. (Like an insincere 2 hours a week would be pleasing!) I did not feel like going in service.
My husband (non JW) and I went to visit his family for a week (they are not religious) and it was so refreshing to be with people who were genuinely happy, and who didn't shun their children. It was eye opening, as in the congregation people are very quick to give you the low-down on everyones lives. It bugged me how even my elders-wife-pioneering study was a gossip and complainer of the other woman/DF'ed/young ones. The lack of sincerity and love really bugged me, and I decided I'd had it. Bye bye for good.
Sorry if I sound complainy!
That's a good question. For years I noticed how worn out my family was doing the witness thing. I just started telling my family that it's ok to take a break. If you don't want to go to the meetings you can just say , "hey i'm tired this evening I don't want to go" I would tell my irregular family members that they shouldn't try to do it all, just go when they felt like it. I could see the burden being lifted. Of course most of them are super dubs so they thought my advice was way off base. But a couple have listened and they seem happier even if they are not completely out. Me and hubby just totally took the pressure off of ourselves and allowed ourselves to voice our concerns without having to make any decisions about anything.
That's in addition to the other crap we got tired of with the org.
Anything you can say or do to help her get in touch with her feelings would be a great start. We are trained to disconnect from our feelings so that we no longer recognize when we are not happy.
Cult Classic
BTTT
I am very interested in more replies on this topic. Thanks to those that already posted.
-mentallyfree31-
Anything you can say or do to help her get in touch with her feelings would be a great start. We are trained to disconnect from our feelings so that we no longer recognize when we are not happy.
I 100% agree with this. This is the most important thing in my experience and what I have seen in my extended family.
Frankly speaking (sorry if this offends), the elders treated me like a pussy while they themselves were dicks.
I may have been a sister, but you just don't treat people that way.
I had a brain and that is a scary thing for a dick to deal with in that misogynistic atmosphere.
Anger at how women are treated in the congregation moves me to speak that way.
Where to begin??
Growing up in the time of "women's lib" and observing the emancipation of women from more traditional roles and acquiring equality in the workplace really made me dissatisfied with the whole Headship™ thing in the WTS in particular (and all religions in general).
Probably around early 1985-ish, the WTS printed an illustration in the Awake! with a husband and wife comparing pay cheques. The wife dressed in professional attire, with a big smile on her face looking at her big fat cheque, with the husband dressed in labourer's overalls perturbed at his much smaller pay cheque. The caption was along the lines of encouraging the wife to "dumb down" so as not to make her husband feel emasculated. I started wondering if talent was indeed a gift from God, why would anyone discourage another person from achieving their potential, from using their "gift" to the full, on the basis of whether or not they had a penis? If a talented educated woman was required to "dumb down" to protect her husband's oh-so-precious ego, at the behest of their shared belief system, wasn't that the same as all of them collectively insulting the gift that God had given her? Why not encourage the couple to aspire to their individual and collective potential, instead of trying to coddle the man's insecurities by keeping the woman shackled to mediocrity?
Then there was the Awake! article - circa March 1993 - on the topic of Surrogate Motherhood - Is it for Christians? The WTS determined that a woman's body was the "property" of her husband - even if she was not married. The unmarried adult female had to save her body for a man to use and become his property, she did not have the right to decide to offer a gift of a child to a childless infertile couple who desired a family by in vitro fertilization. Doing so was deemed to be adulterous, and a defilement of the marriage bed.
Then there was the ground-breaking scientific evidence that homosexuality was not a choice - it was genetic. I asked a lot of JWs whether a person who honestly felt that they were born gay but who was willing to remain celibate "to follow the rules" would be eligible to be baptized. ALL OF THEM said NO. They felt that the fact that a person believed themselves to be gay was wrong in and of itself. It didn't matter that they were willing to abide by the rules of sexual conduct - it was the ATTITUDE that was sinful. To me that was like saying that a person had to change their eye colour or their skin colour in order to be accepted. They actually would prefer to have a gay person "change teams". They prefer for a gay person to live a LIE, by getting married and having children, rather than remain single, celibate and honest about their orientation.
Watching the goings on at the meetings started to make me see they weren't following the bible's message of love. The constant repetition of info that didn't encourage but made me sad & frustrated. The way they treated my former husband when they came for a shepherding call. They tried to make him say something that would be against the org but he was too smart for them. I think the things that appeal to women are the same things that appeal to all when you finally reach a boiling point you just want to leave. You look at the assembly programs & see people being used for an example that didn't go out in service with the congo. It just started to add up in my head that it was wrong.
Kit
