Thanks everyone. I don't know what I'd do without you all.
Help Please - Wife Misses Friends, Wants to return to KH
by Mad Sweeney 41 Replies latest jw friends
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tec
I just hope she sees through their BS and drops it again after a few meetings.
Many times, after we leave something, we forget all the reasons why it was so bad. Sometimes that second look, after a new perspective, settles the matter once and for all in our mind.
So I don't think this is an unreasonable hope on your behalf. I think its very likely.
Tammy
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Coffee House Girl
Everyone has already said what I was thinking, I hope you can use this summer to get closer as a couple-maybe some nice cookouts at the beach-just the two of you??? I always hated the cong. get-togethers & do better in smaller social settings, I love a nice outdoor activity for two like tennis, I liked the art class suggestion.
It takes time to make friends, I really havent much either, but I have a hard time with that sort of thing- I hope she will come to her senses in time
Good Luck!
CHG
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mindmelda
Wait until she goes back and gets the two predictable reactions, like I did when I went back briefly after 3 years of no meeting attendance.
Reaction 1: The gushers who hug and honey you and try to love you back in. Well meaning in a misguided sort of way, but where have you been the last 3 years? Where were all my hugs and "we love you"'s then? Not once did you stop by my house and offer hugs and friendship and it's not like it was out of the way...I used to live next door to the KH! Literally next door and not one of these people ever came over to even have a cup of coffee with me. Pfffft, how phony can you get?
Reaction 2: The "get your weak substandard stinky butt away from me lest you contaminate my relationship with Jehovah" reaction. These are the holier than thou types who will treat you like a leper if you come back after a hiatus, as you are weak and unworthy of Jehovah, and they might catch spiritual weakness from you. You've been out in the ebil world and you might even be demonized. There has to be some horrible reason you haven't been coming to meetings. You're probably an apostate...we're watching you like a hawk. You need to study with an elder and his wife for at least 6 months and start going out regularly in field circus before our perfect selves will even talk to you again.
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asilentone
I get that reaction number 2 in one of the Kingdom Halls I went to.
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Mad Sweeney
I anticipate my wife is going to get a nice mix of both 1 and 2. Thanks for posting that; it's a reminder to prepare her for it and make sure she's aware of the implications each sort of greeting holds.
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PSacramento
Having new friends and having BONDs and sharing things in common with them are two totally different things.
She may miss the need to have soemthing in common, she may miss the "fellowship" she felt as a JW and those are very strong feelings.
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mindmelda
I sometimes think that JW behavior appeals to the potential addict in all of us .
I sometimes wonder if you don't have to have some sort of mild to severe emotional insecurity or neuroticism to be a JW in the first place, not that that's not fixable...it is...I admit I'm neurotic as hell, or was until I got a boatload of professional help, and so is my mother, who dragged the whole family into it..she's like a poster child for OCD and all sorts of neurotic behavior, and was an emotionally and physically abused child who will rarely if ever admit it...her parents were saints in her view even though her siblings tell me otherwise....she's got the perfect mentality to be a JW if you ask me.
You get "loved in" like a drug pusher giving free samples to get you hooked, then they make you pay for it with "good works" and if you don't do everything prescribed, love and approval is withheld, so you'll do anything to get it back, or you just sit there jonesing for it all the time.
It's also rather reminiscent of abusive spouses or signficant other relationships. You're romanced in, then the abuse starts, but it's your fault, and then they're sorry they were mean and you get flowers if you behave as expected again.
It's all pretty sick stuff, when you think about it, but everything about it is designed for you to think everything that's wrong is wrong with you, not them.
One of the best mechanisms I found to cope with the ex Witness thing was to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. Being raised by a nutbar JW is scarily similar to being raised by an alcoholic...and for some people I'm sure that overlaps.
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Mad Sweeney
Returning to an abusive relationship is a VERY APT analogy, mindmelda.
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moshe
A horse will run back into a burning barn and people will return to the comfort zone in the KH, even when they know it's a bunch of hogwash. . I agree with OutLaw, this problem will solve itself. All you both have to do is to always tell the truth. That's right, be honest about you true beliefs and the JW's will help your wife see their true colors.