How do you not care

LoriJis

Here is my dilemma.....i am the type of person that gets upset when things are unjust and people act unfair towards me or my family. But here is the problem. As you know, we have been DA and my husband's ex-wife (who was just reinstated) and his family (who live in the same apt bldg we do) cannot stand me. My husband has the type of character that if you cant change something or someone why get upset. Here's an example, we needed quarters to do laundry and he said we can ask my mother....this woman hates me and i cant stand her either. But since we have been DA'd, things just get worse with us. I'd rather drive to the local Wawa and get change than ask for anything from her. But my husband did and i got really upset. The same type of deal goes with his exwife.

My attitude is affecting our marriage and i know he's right. I should just not even care. He's great at just letting things slide and being the bigger person. I, on the other hand, am not. It's affecting our relationship. So here's my question to you, how do you go from being the type of person - which ive been all my life - who is like that; who doesnt wanna give in; who wants her way to be noticed and could give 2 shits about anyone else but also doesnt want them to get over on her or her husband - to being the type that just is the bigger person and let's things go....

I dont want my relationship with my husband to suffer because of the way i am...but how do you change? How do you not care anymore? How do i become the bigger person and just deal with it. The problem is that i not only say how it bothers me but i show it too. I get upset and it ruins the day. I suggested, i just wont say how i feel or show how i feel. But does that really work? Can i truly hide how i feel to be the bigger person here? I dont know how to do that - how to change ones personality.......

Please, some advice would be nice. My husband is wonderful and i don't want him to suffer anymore because of my feelings towards these people who honestly i shouldnt give a damn about.

StAnn

You have your relationship with them, on your terms, and let your husband have his relationship, on his terms. You guys are individuals. You don't have to be in lockstep, you know.

I can sympathize. I despise my in-laws. My husband tolerates them. He's a better Christian than I am. But I don't lie to them and I don't accept their stupid little excuses for their conduct. It's no secret to my in-laws that I don't like them and it is based upon their conduct. If my husband wants to be friends with them, fine. There's no law saying he can't visit them without me. And there's no law saying that we all have to get along.

No religious issues here, just that they completely ignore and neglect our kids because they are handicapped. Our boys are the only grandkids they have, the only ones they will ever have. They are terrible, terrible grandparents but they were terrible parents, so it is to be expected. I don't tolerate it well.

Don't worry about your husband and don't try to control him. Set your own parameters for your relationships and let him do the same.

StAnn

cult classic

It's not necessarily being the bigger person or better christian because something affects you in a different way than someone else. You're just more sensitive to bad behavior. The problem is that you get upset and it ruins your day. You have to find a better way to cope. If you can't alter your reactions to your mother, you'll have to limit contact until you find a better way to respond. My mother and I have a severely strained relationship. So I understand how you feel.

Cult Classic

Lozhasleft

It must be pretty difficult for you if his mother hates you and he continues to be friendly with her....I sympathize. Its true that he has to be himself but there's a loyalty issue here surely? I suppose the best you can do is to try and ignore it all and take a back seat without comment to keep the peace...

Loz x

yknot

Tell your hubby you love and appreciate his methods........(man has some sincere patience, great quality)

But these methods are not natural to you.....so don't try and copy them.

You are hurt and mad.......be hurt and mad until those feelings subside.

Keep a 'distraction' (magazine, book, take up knitting--anything!) for an easy reach to funnel you thoughts away from said people or situations.

(make a point to keep two rolls of quarters in the house at all times)

You can't rid yourselves of the negative people right now but that doesn't mean you can't put some serious distance between yall.

......lastly talk about why you are feeling the way you are feeling...... until yall reach a place where yall can move or things change.

If hubby isn't home or you feel it is just a 'vent' he has heard a thousand times....... well this is a forum, us gals will give you some support!

Mad Sweeney

You're a bigger/stronger person than you think. I couldn't live in the same town with my in-laws, let alone in the same building.

Soldier77

I think you should read Steve Hassan's books. It will help, you don't need to change your personality, you need to recognize mind control and the tactics they use to dominate you as a person and eliminate that. I think once you recognize that, you will have a lot easier time standing up for yourself and your husband.

Hang in there and use the tools found on this site to cope, there are people on here with so much insight, caring, and wisdom.

IronHill

I will attempt an objective comment here:

I tend to see things this way; If you can't change them, you accomplish nothing by letting them upset you. I know for a fact my family and hers are so indoctrinated, that in their minds, the way the treat us, is the way God wants them to treat us. So I accept it. I certainly don't understand or like it, but I know that I can't change it.

Lori sometimes you seem to take things personally, and that's understandable. But like Cult Classic said, there must be a different way to cope with the frustration.

OnTheWayOut

You have your relationship with them, on your terms, and let your husband have his relationship, on his terms. You guys are individuals. You don't have to be in lockstep, you know.

I have to agree with that. You get all upset at his family and he doesn't get upset. The perceived problem between you and your husband might be that you think he should be upset and he thinks you need to just let it go. While you know that insisting that he be upset won't just happen, he probably thinks that you will eventually get used to things and not be so upset.

Try to deal with his family in a civil fashion. Make it a mission to have a better marriage. But don't bottle it all up. Work out, take walks, tell your venting stories to your friend or family member.

peaches

oh god,,,,glad it is you and not me....been there,,,done that......big hugs.....

How do you not care

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