Comment on Loneliness

jgnat

One of the great lessons this board gave me is the cruelty of shunning by the Jehovah's Witnesses. It is inhuman. The toll it takes on a person cannot be underestimated. Hence, the good advice many give here to build some outside relationships before exiting the society. I'd like your comment on a favorite author of mine, if it resonates with your experience.

Loneliness seems to be an essentially human experience. It is not just about being alone. Loneliness is not the same thing as solitude. We can be alone yet happy, because we know that we are part of a family, a community, even the universe itself. Loneliness is a feeling of not being part of anything, of being cut off. It is a feeling of being unworthy, of not being able to cope in the face of a universe that seem to work against us. Loneliness is a feeling of being guilty. Of what? Of existing? Of being judged? By whom? We do not know. Loneliness is a taste of death. - Jean Vanier (Becoming Human, p. 33)

Mad Sweeney

Lonliness really affected my wife even while IN the Borg, but after quitting it has been really difficult for her. We are slowly getting acquainted with people on the outside but it isn't easy. Thanks for the quote and the thread. Lonliness is an often-overlooked factor in people's seemingly irrational decisions such as staying in the Borg even when one knows it's false.

mindmelda

I was rather lonely AS a Witness, much of the time, because I wasn't ever terribly active (I had three small children in ten years to care for, and two of them had minor to serious developmental problems).

I got occasionally consideration, and I do have quite warm memories of a handful of Witnesses over the 34 years I was involved who were terrific friends and people who helped me in times of need, but other than that, I was largely ignored, particularly by the elders. Probably a good thing in a way...I'm glad I pretty much escaped their notice 99% of the time now!

When I "got out into the world" I found that the percentage of people willing to do good for me and to me and with me was actually higher. I've over all received more support, encouragement and consideration from "worldly" people. Isn't that a pisser?

I've also met a lot of worldly people who are total jerks of course, but again, no different than Witnesses.

Which only proves to me, personally, that whether a person is a mensch is a very individual thing, may only in some cases have to do with their religion and is definitely not the soul possession of Jehovah's Witnesses.

jgnat

Thanks, mad. My best wishes for you and your wife as you find new friends. Good comments all about loneliness within and without the society. When acceptance is based on performance, most people will be too busy taking care of their own salvation to stop to help others.

Mindmelda, your comment about being a mensch a very individual thing is my experience as well. Telling for me was a barna study that found that the social statistics - such as divorce - from evangelicals were no different than society as a whole. People are the same everywhere. Just some say they are differenter than others. What matters is action.

YouTube, Good Samaritan in Lego:

http://www.youtube.com/user/spudster45#p/a/379391773CD69747/0/JYV69rWkOfI

mindmelda

I had to work pretty hard at first to overcome the fears I'd had implanted in me since I was about 12 years old about "worldly" people. I try to remind myself that some of the nastiest treatment I've gotten has been at the hands of Witnesses, so could it be any worse among other people?

But, it's amazing how the brainwashing can still kick in every time I meet a new person and get to know them with casual chit chat or whatever...sometimes I find myself going throught that WTS checklist of what every wordly person is in their view...either a thief, a liar, an addict or a morally deficient fornicator!

LOL God, as if Witnesses don't do any of those things. Over the years I knew quite a few who drank too much (addiction) lied their asses off, stole money from me or defrauded me, and were constantly thinking about how they were going to get their next piece of tail.

The danger is believing that they're bastions of morality who would never do anything bad to anyone. Ha.

babygirl30

I am a MAJOR extrovert! Always had tons of associates inside/outside the org, and so leaving was hard - but socially, I probably came out 'on top'! A lot of people do end of leaving the org with no social backing...and so they leave a bad situation TRULY alone and without anyone to talk to, bounce ideas off of, cry to, etc. It's SAD!

Kinda ironic, but when I told my parents that I was getting DF'd, my mom was the most upset. She later told me that she spoke to the elders who made the decision and BEGGED them to rethink their judgement because she KNEW I had a lot of associates OUTSIDE the org, and my NOT being able to associate with JWs meant I would probably never come back! LOL - hahahaha - little did she know she CALLED that one!

Finally-Free

Loneliness is a feeling of not being part of anything, of being cut off.

That sounds like me. I often have people around me at work. I have a couple of friends. I have a huge family and extended family. But I spend most of my free time alone, by choice. That's because I feel like I don't "fit in" anywhere or that I'm a part of anything. I've tried getting involved with politics, churches and charities, but inevitably something comes up that conflicts with my personal ethics which leads me to discontinue my involvement.

At least I have my birds, and we agree on everything. (except their cashew quota).

W

cult classic

"Loneliness is a feeling of not being part of anything, of being cut off"

jgnat - that was a touching quote and gave me perspective on how I've been feeling since leaving the borg. that pretty much sums up the depth of my emotions right now.

VoidEater

Comment: Loneliness can be a symtpom of guilt (as many things can be), but that isn't the whole ball of wax. It's just one take, one facet, one manifestation.

The animal that is hurt and alone may feel what we call loneliness. The lack of the Other at that point of time is a real impact on life. And the key to loneliness is finding a lack in solitude.

Solitude can be lonely, and being in a crowd can be lonely. Our thought processes, our needs, influence the experience, the emotion. Animals may not have our thinking apparatus, but mammals at the least have the physiological machinery for emotion.

I think, without the abstract thinking we have, most animals find no lack in solitude (generally). We make up a lot of stuff about solitude that leads to loneliness. And sometimes, guilt (which is a feeling of failure) makes us lonely in a variety of ways.

peaches

loneliness====it has been extremely hard for me....when i left,,,i lost everything...marriage,,,family,,,,friends,,,,money,,,,,as alot of people on the board have....i am trying to make new friends on the site here...and also in my community....but it again has been tough...it is hard to start over and change the MIND SET of witness thinking....25 plus years of EVERYTHING IS A SIN....eeeekkkkkkkk!!

but,,,i am happy,,,,,and slowly learning,,,growing,,,,etc etc....i am older,,,so change is a bit slower than for some i am sure..HOWEVER....it is still non the less change and for the better....i can truthfully say...."I am glad to be alive"......those words would not have been spoken 3 years ago....

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