Sorry about the mishap on my previous post. Anyway I've been a member on this board for quite a while but mostly just lerking. I've given just a tease about what my deal is on a previous post but this will be a little more in depth. I am not a JW and never have been but I feel as if I have been a JW and have recently been disfellowshipped and am now being shunned. This story may be a little different and some what complicated but just bare with me. I've been married for 19 years and my wife and I have 4 kids. We met each other in high school and since we had 3 out of 6 classes together we eventually became friends. We both had some family problems when we were in high school and we would talk to each other about them and many other things. Our personalities meshed well and we seemed to be more open with each other than with anyone else although religion never came up. We weren't best friends... but... just friends. After Graduation, we pretty much said our good byes and maybe I'll call you sometime stuff... and left it at that since we both were in exclusive relationships at the time. When the girl I was dating and I broke up, I decided to try to get in contact with her because, well... we got along so great maybe there's something there I should explore and see what she's up to. She had broken up with the guy she was dating just a couple of months before and so it kind of seemed like destiny. We went out a few times, just as friends along with other mutual friends we had. After a while we started dating each other exclusively and then eventually we became serious. Now up to this point, religion still hadn't come up but it was about that time when it would become more important if we were going to become serious. I was a Roman Catholic when we started dating exclusively and I casually asked her what her religion was and she pretended not to hear me. I thought it was strange because there was nothing destracting going on but then she changed the subject. Now, I come from a very large Catholic family with extended family pretty much all Catholic and so there was never any religious tensions when I was young. However, I was at an age too when I started questioning things as I was coming into contact with more and more good people with different beliefs. She finally told me that her mother and grandmother were JW's but that no one else believed in it and her father had been inactive for a few years. I asked her what she believed and she told me that she wasn't sure. I was young and naive and so I just left it at that thinking that in time, she'll come around. I was open minded enough to entertain other points of view and felt that this would be the mature way of looking at things even though I hadn't questioned my beliefs to the point of giving them up. We got along so great and it seemed as if we had some kind of a spiritual connection that I never had with anyone else. I had very little knowledge of most things spiritual but I knew that JW's strayed from what most of Christianity taught. I didn't know enough about all the different theological debates to have a strong opinions one way or the other but I wasn't ready to seriously question my own beliefs either. We were movin too fast, as young lovers tend to do and put ourselves in situations where it was near impossible to keep hormones under control being 18 and 19 years old. Anyway, you guessed it, she ended up getting pregnant. I loved her and wanted to do right by the situation so we got married and I was hoping for the best that someday we could become united spiritually and start doing things the right way eventhough I was becoming a little spiritually confused myself. Now, we didn't get married in the Catholic Church, which was a huge disappointment to my grandparents who were very devout Catholics but I was becoming less and less secure in my own faith. After we got married her mother started putting the pressure on her to study with the JW's and in time, she announced to me that she would. I felt a huge crush, not knowing what to do about it because I knew how unorthodoxed the JW's were but I was still unsure what to do with myself but that just seemed like too far of a stretch. To shorten this story lets just say that she studied off and on with the JW's for years never commiting to getting baptized. One by one, her father, her sister/husband and a couple of cousins fell to the JW's like dominos and I was the only hold out. Because my wife's family live out of state and all of my family and extended family are in the same county, I felt bad for her and would spend every single vacation I have ever had in the last 15 years visiting her family and going on vacations together, mostly camping. I know her family had been trying to win me over by killing me with kindness, and it almost worked. I found myself many times through the years being drawn closer to her family. I enjoyed spending time with them, as annoying as some of of the JW stuff was. Such as asking us to visit on weekends only to find they were at some convention somewhere leaving us at home by ourselves with our kids. Stragegically leaving Watchtower Mags. in the bedroom they let us stay in at their house that says "Do you want to the the Truth", stuff like that. At the same time, I was studying different Christian doctrines on my own independent of anyone teaching me. After years of being passive with our spirituality I began to truely research and investigate all things JW once she got baptized because I wanted to be united with herso bad, I had come to a point that I was willing to open myself up the the possibility. But I wasn't going to just sit down in a bible study with the JW's, oh no... I was going to study it on my own. I really have to say, that I was surprised just how little I knew all of those years. Now, so many things that had confused me through out the years about my wife and her family started to make sence. Especially hearing and reading all the stories of EXJW's, so may similarities in personality and character traits and family dynamics that I have seen. I know now that so much of what confused me through the years is common among those affected by this religion. I have seen my wife change, even the look on her face has changed. I feel like shaking her and trying to get her to wake up, and yell out "this religion is bad news can't you see that." My wife uncles and aunts are all messed up, either on drugs or in jail and I believe it's because they were so scared by this religion that they believe they can never live up to it and have given up on themselves. This was a long, slow and sometimes painful process because my wife was being indoctrinated while not commiting to be baptized because I wouldn't even give it a chance. There was just something in my gut that never allowed me to be open to the JW religion for myself. I had an Uncle who converted to the JW's about 30 years ago and the whole extended family believed he did it because of pressure from his wife. Just a side note, his kids are not baptized to this day and he was reproved because his son had a blood transfusion when he had a transplant about 15 years ago to save his life. I think they were on probation, or whatever you call it because he even had a birthday party for my grandmothers 90th birthday. We all thought that was strange since we knew he was a Witness but he almost got disfellowshipped over it. Anyway after being married for 17 years having 4 kids and teaching my kids Christian values, my wife decides to get baptized 2/2 years ago with the JW's. I was in shock because I was sure she was just confused and pacifying her mother but... no, it was much more serious than that. We rarely talked about religion all of these years because she knew I wouldn't buy what the Watchtower was selling and yet, I wasn't too vocal in being against it until recently. I've told her I've done my own research and I refuse to follow her into the Org. Her family must know this too because they rarely call us anymore, especially her mother. The last time we visited them was about one year ago when the longest we ever went without visiting before was about 3 mos. They don't seem to want to visit us either. When they do call, they do it when they know I'm at work when they use to call in the evening when I'm home and they would give me greetings, not anymore. I now believe that all of these years my wife was pacifying me because she knew I would object once she tried to take the kids to the Hall. She told me she waited so long to get baptized because she wanted to make sure she was doing it for herself. In her early years of her studying with them, I decided to not get too negative about it eventhough inside I was totally against it. I decided to let her do what she needs to do and that eventually she would see how rediculous this religion is. I was way wrong, I had totally underestimated just how strong of a hold the Watchtower had on her. Since her baptism 2 1/2 years ago, she has been spiratic in her meeting attendence. When she goes to the conventions she seems to get gung-ho for a while and then it seems to wear off and the spiratic meeting attendence kicks in again. I would say that this year she has only been to about 6-8 meetings. When I've talk to her about what has attracted her to the Watchtower Society, she just says, "because it makes so much sence." Well that's pretty much where we're at right now and all I can do is to keep on plugging along day to day. She knows I refuse to let the kids attend meetings but sometimes she takes my 5 year old daughter with her because I get off of work late on those meeting days but it's pretty rare. So, there you have it, that's me...
This is my story
by SAHARA 21 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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ziddina
THERE you are!!!
Thought the "camel" spiders had gotten you...
WheW!!!
Zid
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ziddina
Hmm. After reading your story, (too quickly; I'll have to go back again when I have more time...)
It sounds like your wife doesn't really want to be a JW.... But she's "stuffed" that reality way, way down under the programming...
I'd just let it ride, for now... But that's just me talking... You'll get much better advice from the others on this board; they've been thru the wringer/to Hell and back as a result of this religion, and they'll know much more than I...
But - it sounds like she's just barely hanging on to the cult... Whatever you do, DON'T give in to the temptation to "knock" her off of her 'perch' - although you don't like having her in this cult, at least she's not insisting that the children all be raised in the JW religion...
If you become too active in trying to separate her from the JWs, it will look like - er, "could" look like 'persecution' to her...
And there's nothing that feeds that rabid cultic fanaticism like 'persecution'... 'Persecution' would make her feel "righteous" - make that "self-righteous" - and that's not a place you want her to go to...
Try asking questions, and especially - ESPECIALLY - if she wants to really talk about her doubts, fears, uncomfortable feelings about the cult, listen without making any additional negative comments...
That way, her discovery of a route out of the cult will be HER accomplishment - and much more solid, that way.
Hope this helped??? Zid
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SAHARA
ziddina- Yeah, I believe in her heart of hearts, she doesn't want to be in this religion either but I also think that she is so against anything else that she may feel this is her only option. Through my researched, I've learned and read others say how careful one should be in confronting or just dealing with loved ones who are JW's but I've been dealing with this for a long long time and it really is draining. I have kids to teach, which I do and my wife doesn't try to indoctrinate them, "yet". You see, I understand that faith is a very personal thing, even between and husband and wife, and I've done my best in walking that tight rope in allowing her some space and not feeding into the Persecution complex, while trying to let my kids learn about life. I have them playing in sports and other activities in school so that they can be exposed to people and ideas outside of the comfort zone of just being around people who think and look like them. It's a real challenge but I'm doing my best.
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Quandry
Thanks for your story.
It seems as though once her parents realized that you weren't going to become a convert to JWs, they dumped you, instead of feeling that you are part of the family. I am so sorry for that.
On the upside, why don't you and your family go on a vacation all together to someplace fun for the whole family? You will be making memories with your children, and may be able to have good times with your wife that don't involve JW speak of any kind. If she gets away for awhile, and really has a chance to relax, it may help both of you.
Little by little, maybe you can win her over with kindness!
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SAHARA
Quandry - That's exactly what happened with her parents. Not only do they realize that I'm not converting, but one thing I forgot to mention was that my wife's sister and her husband were trying to study with my son over the phone behind my back. When I confronted my wife about it and said to her "you know how I feel about this, and if I wont accept this for myself why would you try to do this behind my back by allowing your sister to study with him by phone". My wife apologized and said that she should have told me. I talked to my son about it and asked him if he wanted to study it and he said maybe later. I was outraged that this was being done and you can believe that once my sister-in-law was told to stop, the word went up to my wifes parents. There has definitely been a change in what her family's attitude towards me. They now see me as an opposer and don't look too kindly at me anymore. I just can't believe that after everything I have done for them and my wife, they would drop me like this. I knew that would happen once I finally stood my ground and made it clear how I felt.
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SAHARA
Quandry - That's exactly what happened with her parents. Not only do they realize that I'm not converting, but one thing I forgot to mention was that my wife's sister and her husband were trying to study with my son over the phone behind my back. When I confronted my wife about it and said to her "you know how I feel about this, and if I wont accept this for myself why would you try to do this behind my back by allowing your sister to study with him by phone". My wife apologized and said that she should have told me. I talked to my son about it and asked him if he wanted to study it and he said maybe later. I was outraged that this was being done and you can believe that once my sister-in-law was told to stop, the word went up to my wifes parents. There has definitely been a change in what her family's attitude towards me. They now see me as an opposer and don't look too kindly at me anymore. I just can't believe that after everything I have done for them and my wife, they would drop me like this. I knew that would happen once I finally stood my ground and made it clear how I felt.
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Black Sheep
Hi SAHARA, welcome to our nightmare.
You must protect the children from the cult. They are at a very impressionable age. Pop down to the library and check out this book. If you think it is suitable, buy a copy and use it to give your kids the tools they need to see through faulty reasoning. They might need this if it all goes wrong and she goes batshit crazy about 'saving' her kids from the devil.
There is nothing religious about the book to put your wife off it, and she should be encouraged to join in with the family when you use it.
Teach Your Child How to Think ~ Edward de Bono
Good luck
Chris
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cyberjesus
Welcome to the board, I am sure what you wrote is very interesting, how about some paragraphs? That would make it easier to read for some of us with onebigparagraphopiasymptoms