Growing from boy to man is a perilous journey. I really feel for you both.
I have four sons ages 21 to 30. Bullying in every aspect has been felt or perpetrated in their midst. Their physical size is a factor, at least somewhat. The oldest son is 6'3", muscled up, and the weight of a butcher hog. He worked as a bouncer for several years. Clubs have reasons to hire big men--It is a deterent to some trouble. But my other sons are not so large--no clubs would look twice to hire them (Not that I want that!) They are more like my husband and myself. My youngest son is strong but not so heavy, not so tall. He is not going to get big. Everyone at one time or another has tried to bully them -- inschool and others when they were grown and had jobs.
The men get together and talk about fighting and respect. The ex-bouncer has some stories he tells of moments when he abused the power to dominate. In general they are not given to violence and fight only when attacked. But within the family there have been horrendous moments of bullying--each other. I think sometimes I have given birth to Cain and Abel. This is probably not the place to hang out all the dirty laundry even though anyone who has enough of it has a hard time hiding it. But we have survived each other and seem to have come to peace after so many years.
Ask me what I think is the main issue? I think is is rooted in knowing and holding to a sense of intrinsic honor.
Some of my family men have skewed ideas on what honor consists of. They say because I am a woman I don't understand. I think I do understand from the flip-side of a man's honor: They used to view my honor as only the reflected honor of a very honor-conscious husband. My dignity did not belong to me unless my husband chose to give it. And he did not always give it. These kind of disonances in a family are damaging. Children love their parents. My husband is a facinating, hard-working,intriguing and protective person. He is an uneven family man. He moved to the old farm away from the remaining children and me over ten years ago and saw nothing unusual about his living arrangement. I have had a few of my kids go into counseling.( I'm sure my mothering was impeccable) But one thing I am certain of, when we each find the core of our honor it must be something that cannot be robbed nor robed by any one else's actions. We own our power and our worth. And it doesn't matter how big we are or whether we are a man or a woman.
Maybe your son would enjoy these 8 cardinal attributes that a great scientist used to teach along with his chemistry classes. George Washinton Carver was black, born a slave and was orphaned. He was a sickly child who didn't walk until he was 4 years old. He knew about bullying and racism. But he gave his help generously to the world--black and white. He taught as these principles to his students:
1. Be clean inside and out.
2. Neither look up to the rich nor down on the poor.
3. Lose, if need be, without squealing.
4. Win without bragging.
5. Always be considerate of women, children and other people.
6. Be too brave to lie.
7. Be too generous to cheat.
8. Take your share of the world and let others take theirs.
O, and one other thing. There was one thought I tried to instill in all the kids and in the end it has helped them slowly come to some peace. Her it is: If you are bound to raise hell and to do shameful things, at least make yourself tell the truth about what you did. Whatever else tell the truth. If you don't like hearing yourself say what you did, say it anyway. If you hate hearing it, hate saying it, then you may decide not to do it. But don't lie. At least that. It may be the only rope you can throw yourself to climb out on later.
Tammy, I too will pray for him and for you. Tell him that he will make it. Just because this is happening now doesn't mean his life is derailing. It's just tough to grow up. I know you are a good Mom. He's got to be a good boy.
We love you. Maeve
