A few months have passed since my relationship with my wife took a turn for the worse. Yesterday I finally questioned her about what she wants as for the future. I know she will always stick with the WTS, no matter what. I only wanted some reassurance, that her obediance is not a mindless one, and she will try to see reason behind stuff. But alas no luck. As I found out, she will indeed follow them without question. She said if a direction would come telling her to move to a specific place, she would do it without hesitation. I have no idea where she took that idea from, but it kind of scares me, as it reminds me of the really extremist cults like in Jonestown. I see she would do it.
I also saw that I completely lost my wife . She has very little left of what she was a long time ago when we married. There were much-much less controling in our lives back then. Even though she's half born-in (from the mother's side), she had a pretty normal teenager life, she told me about it. Not a life of debauchery, but a normal, balanced life, with "worldy" friends, "worldly" music, some minor missteps that highlight the teen years, etc.
There is none of that left in her. She abhors even the idea of going into the middle of "worldly" persons (except of course for work or preaching) - she has "higher standards". She never listens to any music, except kingdom songs (plays them every day at work, on headphones thank God) and classical music. In our younger years we went together to rock concerts, for crying out loud, and it was actually her who took me to her favorite rock band concert.
I just don't know if I can live with her any more. On the positive side, reading some of your experiences here, she at least is half-respectful, she is generally a kind person even now to me, and she does what she can around the house. If I were a mindless drone I could settle for that, I know many women would fare worse in those areas than she does. But a marriage is supposed to be also a spiritual bond between persons. There can be not even a shade of such thing now.
I feel the WTS has robbed me of my younger years, and robbed me of my wife, killed her and replaced her with a robot. I sort of have a huge part in all this, as even though I knew fully well how mind control works, I played right into those bastard GB's hand with my behaviour. I just can't play along like all is fine, and drop tiny droplets of doubt to her. It's just not my style. Now I have absolutely no chance of doing that any more, she knows well my feelings about the whole scam, and shuts down her mind at my first word of just about anything. Yesterday she said it would be better not to be born at all than to hear one of my theories. I was only trying to show the difference between God and a human corporation. But now through my acts her "faith" in the GB is stronger than ever.
Although she obviously denies it, it's clear that WTS = God. Several times she asked how am I not afraid to talk like that about God's Society? It's inconceivable for her that someone actually thinks the WTS is not God's society, and even if it were, there are absolutely nothing in the Bible supporting that you can't talk bad about God's society. Quite the contrary, the OT is almost nothing but trashing of God's chosen people. The Bible always favors those who act on their conscience instead of following other men blindly.
She sees the whole deal as me asking her to choose between me and God. I have stressed it innumerable times, even had it once repeat it three times one after the other, so she understands: I'm NOT asking her to choose beween me and God. I only ask her to think. Of course she thinks she does, but the facts prove otherwise.
I once asked her, if the Watchtower would print an advice telling her to cut her ties with me, would she follow it? She kept saying for half an hour, that "why would the Watchtower do that? There's no reason." -"So", I say "if you're absolutely sure the WT would not ask that, you're free to say you won't follow it, as that would never happen". Yet, no, she just couldn't say the word. By now it's clear whatever the WT prints is sacred for her. Yesterday similarly I asked if she found something in the Bible that contradicts the WT, what would she follow? Once again she gave no direct answer, spent a whole lot of time explaining how she would research, etc. But the premise was she already found out it was against the Bible. She knew she can't say she'd follow the WT, because it wouldn't be a truly faithful thing. But she couldn't say she'd follow the Bible either, because she knew it was not true. So she evaded the whole thing.
This is what bothers me probably the most: she's really a nice person inside. Even through her mental conditioning she still couldn't just outright lie and say she'd follow the Bible. Also there are many, actually christian traits in her that are natural. Yet the legalism and control of the WT takes over more and more, and I'm afraid it's simply beyond hope. And I just can't take it any more. She's not my wife, she's the GB's wife through and through. The GB has defiled our marriage bed, had killed the person I love and made my life as miserable as possible. I know it's not a very christian thing for me to say, but I'm kind of sad that there's no literal Hell, because simply falling from God's grace is too little punishment for those power hungry bastards who ruin thousands of lives anually.
Sorry about this incoherent rant, and thank you if you actually read it. It's just that so many things are on my mind right now, and I don't know what to do.