i couldnt help myself and i talk to my mom this morning about some of this stuff. i didnt mean to but it just came out and before i knew it i was crying and arguing with her. well not really arguing but getting excited. i dont think she knew i was crying but maybe. (shes blind)
she was just sitting at the kitchen table alone and i went in and asked her what she thought of the watchtower article saying its ok for wives to celebrate xmas with their unbelieving husbands if their conscience allows them. she said she didnt see the article so i told her what mag it was and what it said. she said she didnt understand it either and that it sounded very strange to her too. i asked her how it could be wrong for one person to do things like shop for presents and go to a holiday party and not wrong for someone else. and i asked her what the scriptural basis could possibly be. she said the scripture that says 'wives be in subjection to your husbands'. i said 'so then if a dh wants her to do something unchristian then its ok?'. she couldnt answer and said it didnt make sense to her but if they put it in the watchtower then there has to be a scriptural basis for it. i started talking to her about how can they keep making changes all the time. she said 'the light keeps getting brighter'. i said 'the scriptures say the same thing they did the last time they quoted them so how can they change the meaning now?'. she said that they pray on the matter and intensely discuss the scripture and if jehovah reveals new light to them then the old meaning can change. i said then what about all those people whos lives suffered, familys cut them off, lost friends ect because they were disfellowshiped for doing something that 'new light' says is now ok. she said 'well i dont know anyone who was disfellowshiped for celebrating xmas, you arent supposed to do it but you dont get disfellowshiped for it'. i said maybe not but you are disciplined, lose your privledges, and are looked down upon, even shunned. and what about other things they have changed that used to get people disfellowshiped how can they do that to people and not go back and say 'you are now welcome back because 'new light' says what you did was ok'? she said well i dont know what other things you mean so you'd have to show me. then i asked her if its ok to pray for a df'd person and she said if you feel they're heart is good you can pray for a df'd family member but not for others. i said well according to the new watchtower shes wrong they have changed that too. she asked have i been on apostate websites and i said no i am looking up and researching stuff because i need to know for sure about this org. after the way i was treated when i was df'd i cannot believe that there is any way jehovah was behind it. she said that she feels they (the brothers on the committee) were wrong in my case and that jehovah would rectify it and they would have to answer for jehovah for what they did. i said that they were just doing what the society told them to and that the whole society in my opinion wasnt under gods direction. i said that i was thinking of coming back but i needed to understand how jehovah could be behind an org that hurt people by kicking them out and then revealing new light after their lives are in shambles, so i was researching and everything i read makes no sense and doesnt fit with jehovah being behind it. he would not do that to people who love him and try to serve him the best they can. i said that every watchtower article i read now changes something..how can that be? she said that again about the 'new light'. i said 'mom, jehovah is perfect why would he keep making mistakes that cost people happiness and marraiges ect and then reveal new light? he would reveal the truth from the beginning! she said that the GB was not perfect and made mistakes and that Satan also had to factor in. I said 'Satan gets into the watchtower mom??! you are telling me that satan can influence what is written in the watchtower??. she said yes since they are imperfect satan could influence them but that jehovah was very involved in the watchtower so i shouldnt start thinking that satan was taking it over. i told her that i didnt think at all that jehovah was involved but that they were making up all the rules themselves. she asked me if i was turning against the organization. i said no i'm just telling you what i think. she said so what am i supposed to do not go to the meeting?! i said no i'm not saying that. she got mad and said 'so what are you saying that you dont think this is the truth?' i said no i dont think it is. she said so what do you think the truth is? i said i dont know. i dont know if i'm right or wrong but i'm just saying what i think. she said she was glad i said i didnt know if i was right or wrong. i guess she figures there is still hope for me.
anyway i the conversation got more animated than i am giving it credit here and i couldnt help crying but i dont know why. i really wasnt planning to talk to her at all. but i did and now i guess its out there. i did make sure not to mention any of the stuff that i know from rays book. i almost wanted to puke though when she kept saying that the GB meditates on the scriptures, intensely prays on them and then interpretes them for us. if she only knew the truth.
i had to go to work so i dont know what she is thinking about me. i guess i'll find out when i get home. i hope she didnt tell anyone else what i said. i will have to be more careful next time not to open my big mouth. i know i shouldnt have but every time i see my mom alone i want to sit down and talk to her now. its too hard to put on a pretense. i am looking into a roommate possibility so maybe i will be out of there soon. i hope so.
but do you all think that she responded like someone who has doubts of her own and could possibly be reached?